Dealing with Introversion

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Again dauler, thank you. I can totally see myself saying something like "That person is busy" and not talking to them. I'm going to have my girlfriend at the show on Friday, and I think to make it a little more interesting, I'm going to let her pick who I talk to. That way, I have no say in it whatsoever. Keep the posts coming, they do help.

[MacGuyV]

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Introversion is great. There's nothing wrong with it or negative about it. There's a common perception in modern society that extroverts are "better" than introverts somehow, and there is really no basis for it.

Don't worry about what your girlfriend wants, worry about what you want.

Caring too much about what others think of you will probably go away with time. Especially as you get involved in more social situations and develop a more solid sense of self. If you and the people you are close to respect and appreciate you, then other people will cease to matter so much.

A lot of people may want you to "sell yourself" or force yourself to "get out there." If it feels uncomfortable, that doesn't always mean it's a bad thing. But if it doesn't feel like who you are, my advice is not to do it. As long as you feel good about yourself and feel good about being yourself, you should do fine.

Starting conversations is hard. But most people, the vast majority of extroverts, are very bad at it. Some of the best conversationalists I know are introverts. You probably don't consider the weather or the latest sports game to be particularly interesting topics. That doesn't make you boring, on the contrary. "Small talk" has a strong tendency to be light and superficial.

I don't know your personality, so I'm not sure exactly what you should say. But I would recommend finding something relevant. Rather than asking the same damn questions (what do you do, where do you live, interesting god-damned weather we're having huh?), try to find something interesting about the person or environment and ask about it. Comment on the clothes they're wearing, or the beer they're drinking, or listen to a conversation and wait for a pause to join in. If you can't think of anything, don't freak out. You can always be inane, too. "Pretty cold out, huh?" may not be the best option, but at least it gets things started.

Don't worry if you feel cheesy. Feeling cheesy can mean you're doing very well. Pay more attention to the people around you than to yourself. It may take some effort, but work on it. Look at what they do and how they do it. Don't worry about analyzing it too much, just try to be aware. Instead of worrying about whether you're saying the right thing, listen to what they're saying. If you really pay attention you'll notice that most of them aren't pulling off any amazing feats, they're just babbling.

The more comfortable you are, usually the more successful you'll be. Sometimes going into a bar and just sitting quietly and observing is the right idea. You don't have to always be "on," you'll just exhaust yourself. And observing people helps a lot. As an introvert you're probably a good listener, so get the other person talking. Let them tell you about what they're interested in. Offer insight and validation. And learn from them, that's a great benefit.

In conversation, when they say something don't just take it at face value. Try to keep in mind why they're saying it. How do they expect you to respond? Watch the body language. Tight and closed language means they're probably not very comfortable. If they're open and smiling and making lots of gestures and leaning in close, then you've established a rapport and are done with the hardest part. Don't be afraid to say what you think! Sometimes it's worth it to be careful with sensitive subjects, but even then the only way to learn tact is to [censored] up sometimes. Definitely express your opinions when they aren't offensive, chances are you have some very compelling things to say.

If you get rejected, shrug it off. It's much easier said than done, of course, and at first it may seem hard. But as time goes by you'll realize that every "success" is worth about 20 "failures." You will probably come across as a geek. Don't worry about it, it's great! Don't listen to these "PUA" snots. Just be a geek. You'll appeal more to the kinds of people who find you interesting. And there are probably more people interested the same things you are than you think. And in time you'll probably go through an "ugly duckling" experience without even realizing it.

And don't worry about "crutches." Use what's useful. Go out with friends if it makes you feel more comfortable. Going out alone to meet people is pretty hard no matter who you are. Drink a few beers if it loosens things up. If you're really nervous in social situations it can be a great tool. Go to classes and events. They give you something to talk about and provide a low-pressure environment compared to bars. And above all, if you don't want to socialize with them, don't socialize with them. If you're just afraid you can overcome that, but if you really don't want anything to do with them it's trouble getting involved. Stick with birds of your own feather if you prefer, there's nothing wrong with that.

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Great post Madnak.