Your best wasted story

[Keystone]

[ QUOTE ]
While Im probably going to regret telling this....


I once was so drunk I forgot to pull my pants down in the bathroom. A large mess ensued. It was nasty and I didnt drink for like 4 months after that. On a side note I discovered how awesome showering when drunk is and do it all the time now.

[/ QUOTE ]

That's a hilarious story. Reminds me of the Artie Lange comedy DVD where he recalls a time that he tried to [censored] in the woods while on heroin and he [censored] into his pants then pulled his pants up and got back into the car.

Drunk showers are amazing. Now you must drink while showering. Even more amazing.

[johnbeans]

Relevant background: It’s three years ago. I’m eighteen years old and working at Steak N Shake waiting tables. Most of the female servers are 17-19 and very good-looking. The atmosphere amongst the servers is extremely flirtatious. Lots of verbal jabbing, light wrestling/tickling, and small food fight type stuff. At this point in my life I’ve just recently started drinking on a regular basis (1-2 times a week).

So I’m at work and talking to this girl (a strong 8, 8.5 on her good days) about drinking and different kinds of alcohol. I mention how I have a bottle of Raspberry Smirnoff and just my luck; it’s one of her favorite kinds. As always some light, but harmless flirting goes on throughout the rest of the shift, and at the end of the night she suggests ganging up on my bottle of Raspberry Smirnoff. Lucky for me at the time a bunch of my friends shared a house together and everybody was welcome to swing by whenever to hang out. After arriving at the house I started to mix us up some drinks (1 parts vodka, 2-3 parts lemonade) not a very sophisticated drink, but it masks the liquor well and gets the job done. We quickly polish off about 4 of these drinks each and start taking shots. The whole time we’re just sitting at this table drinking/talking.

She suggests we play some sort of card game, and since this was right around the time I got hooked on poker, I of course suggested Holdem. After playing for about 10 minutes where the loser of the hand had to take a shot she suggests making the game more interesting by playing for clothes. I’m a pretty decent at handling cards and can pretty easily give myself AA/KK/A-paint and my opponent rag-rag/rag-x after about 5ish shuffles (this is extremely easy when playing heads up, but becomes increasingly harder the longer handed it gets). I take her desire to play for clothes as my cue to start taking advantage of said abilities. It doesn’t take me long to get her down to her panties, and at this point we’re both pretty trashed from the vodka. Sometime around now a good friend of mine, resident of the house, and fellow 2+2er either comes down from upstairs or come in from outside. Seeing the expression on his face was pretty satisfying. I would have readily gotten her down to her Birthday suit, but she insisted on settling the rest of this battle for clothes over foosball. Again, poor decision on her part. I’m one of those guys who beats the [censored] out of people who don’t play foosball, but will usually lose to those that play the game extremely well. Somehow it gets decided that my buddy and I are going to play foosball and the winner makes out with my delightfully drunk female co-worker. My buddy is one of those guys who doesn’t play foosball, so even though I’m drunk and he’s sober, I take him down without much resistance. Either before or after our game he plays her in foosball, wins handily, and makes out with her. It’s determined that he is better at kissing. I’m drunk, so kudos for him. Furthermore, somehow it gets decided that if I beat her in foosball she’ll [censored] me. Well this girl wasn’t much of a foosball player either. So we go in the other room and do the deed for what I believe to be a good 30 or 45 minutes. The sex was unfortunately not that good since we were both pretty wasted. To top it off she gave a terrible BJ, and I didn’t even finish. I’m probably missing some bits in pieces of the story since the whole thing is a little hazy, but perhaps my friend will patch up the rest.

[booger]

staggering home during my college days and taking a shortcut through a parking lot. Then it hit me, I've got to take a massive dump. I'm leaning against a car trying to hold it but know it's going to come out. To my delight the car is unlocked so I crawl in and lay sideways on the front bench seat a unload a 12" steamer. I then wipe my ass on the driver's side and jump out. I continue my trek home with some guy yelling at me from his balcony. funny as hell at the time.

[NA_kicker]

[ QUOTE ]
I have a few wasted stories that don't involve hospitalization -

I went after work to a local irish bar where I started knocking back Rumplemintz - long story short - meet cute girl, scare her off probably with the 9th Rumplemintz - meanwhile, my friend Adam is there with my two coworkers - I'm in friendly territory and according to my friend Adam I am as lucid as a priest on Sunday - coherant - everything -

everything past that is a fragment - apparently I stood up, landed on my knees and was so drunk the staff almost called detox on me - my coworkers/friend got me to a hotel where I passed out and showed up late for work two hrs the next day hungover in the same clothes -

closest I ever came to totally blanking out suddenly - and it was like it wasn't there and then blam, it was there - I quit Rumplemintz shortly thereafter - and my friend ended up getting into something with one of my coworkers which I didn't need to know about but did anyways - (thank god it wasn't the married one) -

-----------

played a gig one night where I played for 90 min acoustically at a bar, downing shots of whiskey - about 5-6 over 90 min - probably closer to 7-8 -

I had from 75 min to 2 hrs and after 75 was content to go the 2nd hr but at about the 90 min. mark, my friend says it was like I suddenly forgot how to play guitar - LOL - a classic rock and roll moment - I had to be driven home from that gig - that happened twice -

-------

oh yah - Labor day - drank too much - went in friends dimly lit bathroom to throw up - did - turned on light - lid was down - damn. - cleaned it up and flushed - clogged toilet - but I didn't realize this cause I had left the apt. in shame at that point -

yah - thanks for reminding me why I quit again. an obscene tolerance up until a point and then I was in serious danger - LOL -

RB

[/ QUOTE ]

I know you post here more than me and I know a lot of people like you, but these stories are lame as [censored].

To me, you are just that creepy old guy who is in a band. You probably never understood that people are laughing at you and not with you. These stories are pathetic.

[AlphaWice]

[ QUOTE ]

My friend Mike was working that night as a bouncer and he politely asked us to leave after I asked some chick if she would show me her [censored] if I gave her a quarter. "That's all they are worth bitch!" I say too loud as I spill my delusion all over the bar.


[/ QUOTE ]

Love it.

[Keystone]

This chick sounds like a huge whore. I like her.

[Steven_Q_Erkel]

too many to come up with my best so i'll go with the most recent.

I come off of a plane getting back from a week of retarded nights in toronto and get home at about 1am, my roommate and I decide to have a party that night so he tells 1 girl on msn the day of the party and nobody else...by 11pm we had about 100-150, a little over 200 at the peak maybe around 12 pm I do a run of the house...

Backyard about 50 people just bbq'ing listening to music...walk inside a ton of people in the kitchen, go through the living room there are a ton of girls going absolutely nuts to this techno music we threw on dancing on tables and couches, you had to wade through like 70 people to get anywhere it was great...go to the frontyard, I guess a fight started and there were 20-30 people just fighting on the lawn, i'm like "what". I look to my left and see 1 of my roommates jumping off the patio railing and elbow dropping some guy, look to my right and i see my other roommate covered in guys trying to kick him while my other roommate is pushing people off with a 2x4, hitting some guy in the face. one of the guys I know even took a bite out of some guys back, he had to go to the hospital for stitches and shots he was missing a giant chunk of skin from his back it was just out of control.

The most ridiculous party we've had so far.

[pmuir10]

[ QUOTE ]
I expect someone to say "wow, why open the thread then?" but seriously, people who tell "OMG LOL THAT ONE TIME I WAS SO DRUNK LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED ROFL" stories are among the biggest [censored] ever.

[/ QUOTE ]

are you kidding me?! this thread is [censored] priceless

[Keystone]

[ QUOTE ]
staggering home during my college days and taking a shortcut through a parking lot. Then it hit me, I've got to take a massive dump. I'm leaning against a car trying to hold it but know it's going to come out. To my delight the car is unlocked so I crawl in and lay sideways on the front bench seat a unload a 12" steamer. I then wipe my ass on the driver's side and jump out. I continue my trek home with some guy yelling at me from his balcony. funny as hell at the time.

[/ QUOTE ]

I am speechless

[guids]

Ya, that guyb just saved the thread.


not mine but a friends:

the kid is a queer, nice guy, but he is gay. he went out to a gay bar one night w/ some of his friends, got super hammered, and ended up going home w/ this other dude. gay sex ensued. 6:30 am, the guy is awoken to loud bells, not sure exactly where he is, he assumes the guy he went home with lives near a church. The guy he slept w/ isnt there, but there is a note on the dresser saying that he had to go to work early, and he will be back about 8am. Kid goes back to sleep for an hour, then wakes up when the sun starts to rise, looks around, and sees a ton of crosses and religious artifacts. He went home w/ a priest...he is in a rectory.