Some dude called my cell phone looking for my fiance

[Farfenugen]

I love these people who think OP needs to go back and apologize.

Are you such a bitch in your own relationships?

If anyone isn't thinking about the daughter its the (ex)fiancee. That is where all responsibility lies.

I'm tired of these goddamn men(term used loosely) grovelling to their women even when all the blame for a problem is on her. You sound like 50's housewives. You are the women in your relationships.

[Quercus]

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I love these people who think OP needs to go back and apologize.

Are you such a bitch in your own relationships?

If anyone isn't thinking about the daughter its the (ex)fiancee. That is where all responsibility lies.

I'm tired of these goddamn men(term used loosely) grovelling to their women even when all the blame for a problem is on her. You sound like 50's housewives. You are the women in your relationships.

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Even OP, the poster child for OOT, has admitted that perhaps kicking [censored], screaming and hollering and storming out was bad form. If I scared the hell out of a 3 year old, I'd like to think I'd be man enough to apologize for it. If I couldn't swallow my pride and do it, I can assure you that I wouldn't think of myself as some sort of superhero to the male gender.

Does saying "I'm sorry I flipped out - I promise it won't happen again. Now, let's talk about where we go from here" really make someone a 50s housewife in your opinion?

[context]

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Why are we having a custody discussion?

OP has shown a greater desire to be reunited with his steel toed boots than with his daugher.

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True. However, OP stated that on the night in question, he told his ex. that he was taking their daughter with him (as he was storming out). There are other allusions to his wanting custody in other threads - admitedly I've not read all 341 (to date) posts so I don't know exactly if OP has stated that this is his intention. But hey, it's OOP, let's talk about it [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img].

[FishNChips]

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Wow. Just, wow.

First of all, I was merely pointing out that some people were coming off with this "better-than-thou" attitude because they THINK they'd be able to control theirf feelings in this situation. "OP, you kicked a door. CONTROL YOURSELF!" ...it's laughable coming from 19 year olds who have never been in a serious relationship, or even had a girlfriend.

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I'm not some 19 year old and I'm not acting holier than though. I think his immediate "who the [censored] was that!" shouting question totally set things off wrong and I can't imagine shouting at my wife like that for a phone call that I know NOTHING about. I have also stated several times that there is almost certainly some backstory stuff that we don't know that might help explain this behavior a bit more. But we still haven't got that yet (and never will, I'm sure). Kicking the door was a mistake. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have done the same in that exact scenario, but it was a mistake.

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I agree that he needs to be civil b/c of his daughter. But being "civil" when your "civil union" has just been turned upside down is pretty tough. It is perfectly fine to blow up and then leave...come back after a day or so and discuss things like adults. But to imply that him kicking a door is some kind of character flaw is just ludicrous.

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Kicking the door isn't a character flaw. He shouldn't have done it though. Didn't help the situation. Also we still don't know what the call was about and neither did he. Sure, all the info we have now it looks 99% like it was a call from her "on the side" guy. But there's 1% that its not. Leaving and coming back later makes sense.

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He needs to apologize for shouting at her? What good is that going to do? This is a woman who is laying in bed with another man. If he apologizes to her, she will laugh and hand him a scissors so he can just castrate himself. You are basically saying he needs to act like an adult, while she acts like a 4 year old. The yelling already occured...it was a NATURAL reaction. He can't help it. She should know this. An apology is really just a waste of breath at this point.

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I disagree with this entire paragraph. All of it.
So if I do something wrong I shouldn't apologize for it? Say I'm not looking where I'm going and I bump into you in a grocery store. It was just natural to be looking at the incredibly delicious apples on display and I bumped into you. Apologizing isn't any good. You're pissed off and think I'm a total a-hole moran, so why bother. She should just accept that he's a screamer and never expect to be apologized to when he yells at her? Maybe that's why she's bangin' someone else? Why does everyone associate apologizing with weakness/pussiness/castration. Mature men apologize when they make a mistake or do something wrong. His shouting is totally wrong here. He should apologize for that. Lowering your behavior to the level of those around you is pretty [censored] stupid too.

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I point out that I never hit women b/c I know most people would assume somebody who kicks a door also hits a woman. I'd be willing to bet that some, if not many of the people who claim they would "act civilly" in this situation would eventually snap and beat the crap out of her. I think it's better to attack things that aren't alive.

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fair enough - I didn't assume that, but cool. Glad to hear you'll just break stuff.

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I pointed out that I was hot-tempered b/c it is obvious that some people were born otherwise. To act better than somebody b/c you were born more able to control your reactions is like bragging about being tall. Natural reactions occur. And it should be pointed out that I have work very hard to control my temper since childhood. That doesn't mean I would not flip out if this happened to me. And no, I'm not an alchoholic. The broken finger occured in 7th grade. Yes, that's how bad I used to be.

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I'm not acting like I'm better. I'm stating that I think his shouting is wrong. Also, the first time you talked about hitting the TV you used it as an example of how to deal with women. You were in [censored] 7th grade. Can we agree that action was a mistake?

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You also need to realize that many people aren't good at procuring information from their cheating significant other, with their eloquent words. Are you like a hostage negotiator or something? Most people have a difficult time finding out answers by being polite and asking. Being polite to someone is only as good as that person's investment in you. She clearly isn't invested in OP anymore, so being polite really isn't going to get him anywhere.

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haha... no, I'm not a hostage negotiator. I just understand that when my wife and I disagree I get a hell of a lot farther by discussing the matter without yelling, using obscenities, or calling her names. Now, if my wife ever cheated on me it might be different. But my point is and has always been (unless there's a backstory to tell us otherwise) at the moment she hung up the phone OP didn't know [censored] about who the guy was and he chose to assume she was cheating, and shout a question at her "WHO THE [censored] WAS THAT!!!!" At that exact moment he was wrong. He didn't know she was cheating. He didn't really give her a chance to explain. All the stuff that happened after she went into the bedroom is much more suspicious. But at the moment she hung up the phone he was wrong.

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Follow-up question: If he's nice and polite, and she ignores him, what is his next play? I seriously want to know, b/c I'd like to be able to handle disputes better in the future.

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If he asks her "um, who was that?" and she says "no one" he can ask "why did you pretend there wasn't anyone on the phone and why did the dude know your name?" He can ask direct questions intended to get information. If she at some point during the questioning runs into the bedroom and locks the door then fine, get pissed, shout, kick the door, whatever. But he NEVER TRIED to talk to her.
Again, my guess is that this is a pretty [censored] up relationship from long ago and there is plenty of bad will and anger and mistrust that led him to assume the worst and just start shouting. I'm sure that the two of them have had plenty of shouting matches along their 4 or 5 years or whatever. Some people never get out of that mode. Sad for the daughter.

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I'm not trying to argue with you. You come off as very caring. But I think you are being too harsh on people who aren't wired to act civilly in these type of situations.

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what type of situations are we talking about? I mean his fiancee' got a mysterious phone call that at the moment she hung up the phone could have had more than one explanation and he blew up. There's not a "situation" until he yells and she runs off into the other room and locks the door.

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Chances are, you will ALWAYS be able to handle your emotions better than I. Just like one of us is taller than the other.

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I've had my moments. Lots of them. More of them when I was 19 - 23. I'm not a better person than anyone on this board. I'm pointing out that OP shouldn't have shouted her down immediately. I disagree with the door kicking, but that's at least defensible.

I'm also amused that OP played the "well, she hasn't called me yet to explain!" card later in the thread. I thought we got past that when we graduated high school? Oh well.

I hope things work out well for OP.

~FishNChips

[FishNChips]

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I love these people who think OP needs to go back and apologize.

Are you such a bitch in your own relationships?

If anyone isn't thinking about the daughter its the (ex)fiancee. That is where all responsibility lies.

I'm tired of these goddamn men(term used loosely) grovelling to their women even when all the blame for a problem is on her. You sound like 50's housewives. You are the women in your relationships.

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Even OP, the poster child for OOT, has admitted that perhaps kicking [censored], screaming and hollering and storming out was bad form. If I scared the hell out of a 3 year old, I'd like to think I'd be man enough to apologize for it. If I couldn't swallow my pride and do it, I can assure you that I wouldn't think of myself as some sort of superhero to the male gender.

Does saying "I'm sorry I flipped out - I promise it won't happen again. Now, let's talk about where we go from here" really make someone a 50s housewife in your opinion?

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QFT

[By-Tor]

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Added Bonus Guys: She has a Myspace.Com page, And this has the potential of ending very ugly for her.

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<taps foot>

[zoobird]

I haven't read the rest of the thread yet, but I'd say you need to confront her about this. Its just too odd to let it go.

[TimM]

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I haven't read the rest of the thread yet, but I'd say you need to confront her about this. Its just too odd to let it go.

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This is the worst "I haven't read the rest of the thread yet" post I have ever seen.

[NT!]

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I haven't read the rest of the thread yet, but I'd say you need to confront her about this. Its just too odd to let it go.

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This is the worst "I haven't read the rest of the thread yet" post I have ever seen.

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Read more threads

[zoobird]

I agree. I've read all of OP's posts in the thread, and this just seems really, really bad. In fact #3 on its own really does not have any ok explanation that I can think of. This sucks for OP, and doubly sucks because they have a child together.