Your best wasted story

[tom441lbk]

you like things up your ass?

[Keystone]

[ QUOTE ]
This thread [censored] sucks, that's what's up my ass.

[/ QUOTE ]

Sorry dude. I really am. I wasnt aware that every thread that is posted on 2+2 had to meet your approval. Ill PM you a draft before I ever post here again. Thanks for your understanding and I am really sorry.

I will never make this mistake again,

Keystone

[thabadguy]

My best friends birthday, sadly he has gone to visit his family when we should be getting smashed.
At about 6 pm i do a line and log in to play. 4 hours and about 1 gram later im up 16k or so.
So i break out the liquor to celebrate.Mind you this liquor was purchased by me to be drunk with my boy on his birthday, since he isnt here , i decide i will drink his share too.
3 drinks and another line later i log in for some small stakes holdem cuz im bored, drop $75 in the space of 5 mins and am berated by every1 on the table.
I call my boy at this point and the following conversation ensues
Me: "Yo, hows ur [censored] birthday going man."
Him : "Dude im sitting here watching some retarded [censored] movie with my parents"
Me: "Good for u, im up a decent bit today, ive about a gram of yay in me, and some liquor as well. I think I will celebrate your birthday for you."
Him: "[censored] you [censored] [censored]"
Me : "Im gonna go partying, then going to strip club and see if i cant tittyfuck a hottie there tonite"
Him : "[censored] that, im coming back, ill be there in 2 hours, answer ur [censored] phone if i call"
He hangs up.
I get ready to go partayyy, i shave, cut my self in 3 places, Get dressed. Call a cab and go to a club.
There i meet some friends i know, and am hanging out with them, i excuse my self to go smoke a cigarette.
I go out the back door to smoke, and this hotttiee who ive never seen before comes up to me.
Her : "Do you got anything on you?"
Me(In my best Tony Montana voice): "I got balls."
Her : "Do you have any snow on you?"
Me : "Who the [censored] are you to ask me that?"
Her : "Can i get some?"
Me : "Gonna cost you"
Her : "How much?"
Me : "I dunno, lemme think about it."
I am smoking my cigarette, and decide to give her some.
We go to the men's room, inside a stall and i break out my mirror and draw her up a line. She snorts it.
Me : "Whats ur [censored] name?"
Her : "Jessica"
Me : "Im gonna go to a strip club, u coming?"
Her : "Sure"
I leave the club and am walking with her looking for a cab, when my boy calls me.
Him : "Yo, where are you?"
Me : "Going to (name of strip club) with this broad."
Him : " Whose the [censored] broad?"
Me : " Some chick i met."
Him : " Meet me at the strip club"
So Jessica and me hail a cab and go to the strip club.
Get into the strip club, without anything happening, waiting for my friend
Get a few lap dances in the meantime.
He gets there around 1:30 am.
I buy him a 30 min "lingerie show"
He is dead sober so we get some shots to [censored] him up first, and then i take him to the men's room and do a couple lines each.
He is the kind who gets [censored] up by yay real easy and real fast.
Me and jessica are talking about random [censored] , and then the bouncer comes up to me and says, "your friend is waiting outside, i asked him to leave."
Im like WTF!!!
I go outside, and he tells me that they threw him out because he tried to shove a finger up the strippers snatch.
Me : " Why the [censored] would u do that?"
Him : " Cuz its my [censored] birthday"
Me : " Dude the [censored] lingerie show was ur bday gift, not herpes."
Jessica is watchng and laughing. We decide to go back to my friends place and chill for some.
We get there and break out some whisky, we pop in Led Zeppelin the album and are chilling.
I put my arm around the broad and try to push it up her shirt.
My boy starts laughing, and i tell him to [censored] off.
He leaves us alone and i start making out with jessica on his couch.
Soon she is topless and i do a line off her [censored].
I am like, hold on...lemme get a condom.
Shes like ok. I go to the bathroom and get a condom.
By the time i return to her SHE HAS PUKED ALL OVER THE COUCH.
I kick the bitch out and begin to clean up the [censored] couch.

Moral of the story : "[censored] the bitch before she pukes on the couch"

[Keystone]

The moral of the story is classic.

[morgant]

i have about 8 trillion of these stories....of note

was at the drift inn in the hamptons at there summer ending party. went under the deck to take a leak, woke up the next day under the deck at 10am [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

i had just gotten a job at a mobil station from a friend who worked there. we were in 11th grade. i trained on a saturday, they put he and i in charge of the place the next day. they didnt have a store front mobile mart, but it had the credit card processor, etc...we proceeded to bake out the mobile mart. we then began drinking. an old lady pulled in, i went to fill up her tank. the lever wouldnt stick in place, so i asked my friend to try, as hes trying to fill up the car, i notice the womans gas tank says full. she says 'oh my husband must of filled it up this morning' my friend says he still needs to charge her the few dollars that pumped.

he goes in to make change but didnt take the nozzle out of her tank. she left the station. unfortunately the breakaway gas thing didnt work and it broke and began spewing gas all over the joint. friend had a hard time finding the kill switch. we were then instructed by the station owner to dump quick dry on it, but we couldnt get into the mechanic shop(another story here, friend effed up and let someone take the key for it). so station guy instructs us to pour water on the gas spill.......ALERT

this sent the gas into the sewer systems. the place was cordoned by the police, the EPA was there, it was a nightmare and sobered me up pretty quickly.

i went in on tuesday to see what aftermath there was with the mobil people. i asked if i still had a job LOL. they fired me, and gave me a paycheck, less the 20 gallons of gas that spilled............

err, that was long. i will keep the rest in the vault

[Million$$$Man]

[ QUOTE ]
It's Friday night 5:00. I just got home and it has been a busy week. I have the rest of the night but tomorrow I have to work at 4:00 pm. I have a twelve pack of beer and a liter of vodka.

"Beer before liquor, never been sicker." Hogwash! My gut is lined with steel. Besides, after a good buzz starts to develop, it needs to be fed and beer is too slow. No, now is the time to chill for a few hours and enjoy the beer.

8:00 pm. The beer is gone and my buzz has quickly been supplemented by a couple of shots. I can't believe no one is ready to go to the bar yet. I am eager. My friends know to hide my keys. Pete suggests that I quit drinking the vodka straight. I add some ice cubes and swirl it around. That doesn't pacify him as he snuck tonic into my glass.

At ten I finally convince everyone to go to the bar with me. It was fall and the bars were usually hopping at that time then. It was Long Island Friday at Brothers. Compared to straight vodka, this tasted like cotton candy. For a couple of hours every thing is quiet. Then we decide to walk down the block to get some delusions, the super powerful drink that wins you a shirt if you can drink ten of them.

It always seems that all conflicts happen en route to the bar. "What's this? These men seem angry at each other. Don't they understand that I'm drunk and happy"? I approach the two strangers and attempt to broker a peace deal. Now they both want to fight me for spitting in their faces and belittling them for failing to understand. At this point I have very little control over my saliva while talking, let alone while preaching the virtues of the best way to enjoy a buzz. Alas douche bags, my entourage is too big you will have no satisfaction today as I am dragged away by my friends.

We get to the Grand Illusion and promptly order our delusions. After one I decide to take a power nap in one of the booths to freshen up. I awake, my friends say an hour later, with a pipe in my mouth. "Ha, I knew that would get him up!" I hear a strange man say. I could go for some weed. Yes, I think I'll have some. I light the bowl and am having troubles. This doesn't taste like any weed I've smoked before. "Your smoking coke dude!" The strange man says. I quickly get indignant. "Coke is supposed to be snorted you [censored]!" The strange man, who has suddenly morphed into my good friend Zach, is amused and breaks out a line. Upseedaisees! Wow! I've never done coke before. I just caught my second wind.

My friend Mike was working that night as a bouncer and he politely asked us to leave after I asked some chick if she would show me her [censored] if I gave her a quarter. "That's all they are worth bitch!" I say too loud as I spill my delusion all over the bar. We leave and walk home. On the way home I theorized, loudly, on how I could get arrested for treason that night. It must have been my racket that attracted the police. "Yes officer, I turned 21 just last month. Of course, they won't let me in with out it. Yes, we know where we are going and no, I can't tell you that. It's against my morals to recite numbers while this drunk but I would be willing to draw you a map." The cop is cool and drives me and my roommate home.

We get home to find our good friend's fiancée sitting in our house crying. Apparently our friend broke off the engagement with him and declared that she wanted to break up completely. This guy then starts to talk about killing himself that night. We argue for a half an hour. My roommate then passes out. I'm left alone to deal with this very distraught man. I'm in no condition to be doing this but I'm having a melodramatic drunk tonight so I am motivated to stay awake. I argue with him for seemingly hours. At this point, time isn't a dimension I can perceive. Some how we ended up fighting. I tell him that I'm not going to let him kill himself and we wrestle. Damn, where are my wrestling skills I honed in high school! They have escaped me as he is prevailing. I make a mad dash for the door and put my back to it and brace myself with my arms. "You're going to have to punch me out to get out of here"! I exclaim. He then winds up and knocks me the [censored] out.

I come to and he is gone. I rationalize that getting knocked out is a good excuse for stealing my roommate’s beer. Ahh, I almost forgot about the vodka as well. A couple shots are due. It's late but I've still got some party left in me. The moment I begin to wash down my first shot Jessica the heart breaker walks in through our door. She's freaking out because she just got a suicide notice from her fiancée via voicemail. She then notices my face and says "[censored] that [censored], I don't care if he does now"! I offer her a drink to calm her nerves. She is very concerned with my face despite my claims that I was in no pain. It all started with her kissing my cheek to make it better and ended with her slipping out of my bed unnoticed sometime in the afternoon. [censored] it; I never liked that douche bag fiancée of hers anyway. Just another Friday night.

[/ QUOTE ]

My only problem with this story is that it's not at the end of the thread. This story was amazing, I'm not even bothering to read the others after this one, they're just gonna pale.

[whiskeytown]

sheeeit - man, you wanted HAPPY stories?-

hell, that is a happy story - I got out, didn't I?

RB

[Keystone]

[ QUOTE ]
sheeeit - man, you wanted HAPPY stories?-

hell, that is a happy story - I got out, didn't I?

RB

[/ QUOTE ]

Good for you.

[toss]

I love these stories.

[whiskeytown]

I have a few wasted stories that don't involve hospitalization -

I went after work to a local irish bar where I started knocking back Rumplemintz - long story short - meet cute girl, scare her off probably with the 9th Rumplemintz - meanwhile, my friend Adam is there with my two coworkers - I'm in friendly territory and according to my friend Adam I am as lucid as a priest on Sunday - coherant - everything -

everything past that is a fragment - apparently I stood up, landed on my knees and was so drunk the staff almost called detox on me - my coworkers/friend got me to a hotel where I passed out and showed up late for work two hrs the next day hungover in the same clothes -

closest I ever came to totally blanking out suddenly - and it was like it wasn't there and then blam, it was there - I quit Rumplemintz shortly thereafter - and my friend ended up getting into something with one of my coworkers which I didn't need to know about but did anyways - (thank god it wasn't the married one) -

-----------

played a gig one night where I played for 90 min acoustically at a bar, downing shots of whiskey - about 5-6 over 90 min - probably closer to 7-8 -

I had from 75 min to 2 hrs and after 75 was content to go the 2nd hr but at about the 90 min. mark, my friend says it was like I suddenly forgot how to play guitar - LOL - a classic rock and roll moment - I had to be driven home from that gig - that happened twice -

-------

oh yah - Labor day - drank too much - went in friends dimly lit bathroom to throw up - did - turned on light - lid was down - damn. - cleaned it up and flushed - clogged toilet - but I didn't realize this cause I had left the apt. in shame at that point -

yah - thanks for reminding me why I quit again. an obscene tolerance up until a point and then I was in serious danger - LOL -

RB