My Wife's New "Buddy"

[Jay.]

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This whole 'anti-spying' thing is annoying the hell out of me right now. 'I shouldn't sppy because i trust her' what? No you don't trust her, you are worried because she is speaking to a guy. Rightly so.

'Spying' although not the nicest way, is just a quick way of getting full information. You either read the emails realise she is doing nothing wrong and move on with your life or read the emails realise she is and move on with your life without her. Bingo, perfect.

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I don't know what I'd do in this situation. I'm a pretty big privacy advocate but the whole cheating spouse thing really sucks (if she is in fact cheating or thinking about it). I'd like to think I would not spy on her, but in this situation, I might be tempted.

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I think as a husband he has the right to see the emails she has sent to another guy that he is too embarassed to let him read.

[jakethebake]

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I think as a husband he has the right to see the emails she has sent to another guy that he is too embarassed to let him read.

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The fact that she's refused to let him see them is the only thing that would make me consider spying on her.

[MattSuspect]

Ok this thread looks interesting, but it seems very simple.

Dude wants to sleep with your wife, do you trust your wife not to sleep with him.

So:

[CardSharpCook]

Funny how theory and practice can't always be the same. In theory, you go to your wife, and say, "Wife, this is unacceptable. This must stop." But in practice, that doesn't work so well. Wife starts saying things like, "No." In theory women like strong men who set firm rules. In practice, "you're a control freak. I can have friends."

But the truth of the matter is, your wife is looking for an emotional connection from another man. Biologically, (societally?) we can really only have one of these (of the opposite sex). Dom's views on m/f friendships are, sadly, correct. Doesn't even have to be a conscious acknowledgement of the desire to have sex. Give your wife more attention. Be interested in her as a person. Not just about touching her more. Whatever. GL, bro.

[Aloysius]

I've seen, time and time again, people bringing potentially incriminating stuff up (like these e-mails to this other guy) out of guilt. The normal response to that is "why would she bring it up if she's guilty and doesn't want to get caught" and my answer is "people are irrational and do stupid stuff like that when they feel really guilty".

Since she feels guilty (ie knows what she's doing is wrong) that's enough for me to say - it is a reasonable demand, in a marriage, to ask her to stop e-mailing this dude.

I've noticed throughout this thread you've used terms like "dumping her" and referring to the fact that you're not "good with chicks".

Dude - she's not a "chick", she's your "wife", and you guys wouldn't be "breaking up", you'd be gettign a "divorce". To me, it seems reasonable for spouses to make demands of one another for the greater good of the marriage.

Sorry - this sounds like a tough spot - but I hope you can have the courage to confront her about her weasely behavior, and ask her to think of the health of your marriage long-term (cause hopefully, you know, you've got another 40 years together) and do the right thing and end the thing with this other dude.

It is then you guys can work together on any real problems you might have in your marriage.

[jon_1van]

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Listen: half the people on the [censored] planet are guys. Any wife will meet them. Any wife will spend some time with them. Even if it's just co-workers or whatever. If you never want your wife to talk to another man then simply shackle her to the basement wall. There are better ways to deal with this though.

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I propose a "jeolousy scale". On one end of the scale we have "I'll beat my wife for talking to ANY man, even a cashier at a store". On the other end of the scale we have "I won't bat an eye if I walk in on my wife having a 3-some with 2 other guys"

Obviously both ends of the spectrum are wrong. Your goal is to be somewhere in the middle.

Assume that the OP can't be jealous/uncomfortable with his wife's actions doesn't mean he has to be in the "shackle your wife to the basement door" end of the scale.

[slamdunkpro]

You’ve got a big problem with no easy answers:

Is it a big deal? YES because it’s a big deal to you. She should respect that and stop.

Felix is right; you should express calm anger and not back down. Don’t let her manipulate you by making this about how you “wronged” her by wanting her to stop or to read the e-mails.

Spying: yes or no? If you really want to know the truth, you need to use a logger or spyware. She’s already told you in not so many words that she’s not going to be honest about the incident by trying to turn it around.

Do you really want to know the truth? If you find out what are you prepared to do? It may require you telling her to leave. If it comes to this whatever you do don’t be the one to leave

Harsh truth time: She’s your wife and you love her but…….She’s continuing to do something that she knows hurts you. This is a very bad situation. You need to look out for yourself, because she is certainly looking out for herself.

[RunDownHouse]

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But again, she's not a liar, she would never sneak around.

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These are such infamous words I felt I needed to repeat them.

I hope Jake puts this on his bump list, because it'll be interesting to see when you realize you're wearing the horns.

[jakethebake]

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But again, she's not a liar, she would never sneak around.

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These are such infamous words I felt I needed to repeat them.

I hope Jake puts this on his bump list, because it'll be interesting to see when you realize you're wearing the horns.

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Bump list? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

I would actually just as soon see this thread die. It's kind of depressing.

[RunDownHouse]

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Bump list? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

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You did such a good job with Whiplash reminders, I just assumed.

I would consider the OP staying with an unfaithful wife much more depressing than him discovering infedility and extricating himself from the situation. Its not a lock that she's cheating, but I don't think it looks good. If you had a reasonable suspicion that your wife was cheating, wouldn't you rather find out than turn the other cheek, as OP seems to be doing? I'd think that sort of distrust would completely erode the relationship, even if she was innocent.