She left me

[Boris]

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In both instances where my female friends went for marriage counseling, the counselor advised them to separate.

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Cool. Were your friends the ones wanting to leave or the ones getting dumped?

[Hopey]

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In both instances where my female friends went for marriage counseling, the counselor advised them to separate.

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Cool. Were your friends the ones wanting to leave or the ones getting dumped?

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They were the ones wanting to leave. Both were having affairs, and both admitted this to their counselor.

I'm not sure if it was a marriage counselor per se...more of a psychologist that they were seeing due to the stress they were under because of their situation.

[gusmahler]

OP,

It doesn't really matter if she's having an affair or not. She wants out, let her out. If she comes back, she does. If not, it's not meant to be. Don't try to "win her over". Just invest your time in your other interests (e.g., poker, or take up a new hobby). If it was just a stage in her life, then you'll have some tough decisions. But until that day comes, live each day as if she were gone for good.

Just be thankful that you don't have kids with her, and that you're still young enough to find someone else.

[Smackdab]

[ QUOTE ]
Sounds like a bummer dude. Don't go quietly in this. She's the one who decided to leave, don't let her push you out of the house or inconvenience you w/r/t work and commuting. I've had breakups like this (albeit not a marriage) and my advice is, beware of the real reasons. She may well be saying these things but is really covering up for an affair or the desire to have one. People don't just end a marriage without some other prospect on the horizon, or already in hand.

Sounds like there's a good chance this can go down in a civilized way, just stand your ground and hang in there. Sorry to hear it.

NT

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WOW. Just WOW. First time opening this thread and I could get no further than this. Not sure if anyone else has replied to the statement in bold but WOW.

So when I left/divorced my wife of 13 years because somewhere alomg the way she developed a nasty crack habit I must have had something else going on?

or

I discover that my wife has become a degenerate gambler and the kid's college savings won't even get them in the door at the JC, I actually want to bang the checkout girl at the market and she said hi to me?

or

I am totally unhappy with my life. In the past 5 years of a 20 year marriage we have had sex 2 times and can't weven bear the thought of holding hands anymore. I actually must be doing the lady next door?

I coudl go on and on but that statement is so wrong and misleading I had to call you on it.

[Gildwulf]

Georgia,

Sorry to hear. You sound like a really good guy.

GW

[gusmahler]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Sounds like a bummer dude. Don't go quietly in this. She's the one who decided to leave, don't let her push you out of the house or inconvenience you w/r/t work and commuting. I've had breakups like this (albeit not a marriage) and my advice is, beware of the real reasons. She may well be saying these things but is really covering up for an affair or the desire to have one. People don't just end a marriage without some other prospect on the horizon, or already in hand.

Sounds like there's a good chance this can go down in a civilized way, just stand your ground and hang in there. Sorry to hear it.

NT

[/ QUOTE ]

WOW. Just WOW. First time opening this thread and I could get no further than this. Not sure if anyone else has replied to the statement in bold but WOW.

So when I left/divorced my wife of 13 years because somewhere alomg the way she developed a nasty crack habit I must have had something else going on?

or

I discover that my wife has become a degenerate gambler and the kid's college savings won't even get them in the door at the JC, I actually want to bang the checkout girl at the market and she said hi to me?

or

I am totally unhappy with my life. In the past 5 years of a 20 year marriage we have had sex 2 times and can't weven bear the thought of holding hands anymore. I actually must be doing the lady next door?

I coudl go on and on but that statement is so wrong and misleading I had to call you on it.

[/ QUOTE ]

I was going to say the same thing, but I chalked it up to some of the posters just being too young. Yes, plenty of people get divorced without having another prospect in mind or in hand. They are unhappy, or their spouse did something unforgivable.

[Felix_Nietzsche]

To be blunt, she's cheating on you. Women tend to have the next guy already waiting in the wings. Needing "space"= its over. The sooner you come to this realization, the better off you will be. Start believing in divorce because I'm sure she is a believer. Get a good attorney and stop being a doormat "nice guy".
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Yep, you know what your talking about.
I'd say it is a 99.99% certain that she has cheated and is still cheating. The OP is too blinded by his grief to see the unpleasant truth. MOVE FAST with a divorce. Get an attorney and a private investigator (if your attourney agrees). Don't tell your soon to be ex what you are doing until the last moment.

[The X-Factor]

[ QUOTE ]
To be blunt, she's cheating on you. Women tend to have the next guy already waiting in the wings. Needing "space"= its over. The sooner you come to this realization, the better off you will be. Start believing in divorce because I'm sure she is a believer. Get a good attorney and stop being a doormat "nice guy".
************************************************** ******
Yep, you know what your talking about.
I'd say it is a 99.99% certain that she has cheated and is still cheating. The OP is too blinded by his grief to see the unpleasant truth. MOVE FAST with a divorce. Get an attorney and a private investigator (if your attourney agrees). Don't tell your soon to be ex what you are doing until the last moment.

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[chopstick]

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ALL:
Here's the thing about pushing things forward myself...I really think this would violate my belief in the sanctity of marriage (sanctity, not sanity...little of the latter obv)...Many of you disagree with that in principle, but when I made promises on my wedding day, I didn’t add: “unless some crazy s—t happens and you change your mind”…I wouldn’t have honor or integrity if I didn’t try to follow the commitment I made to never give up.


[/ QUOTE ]

That last sentence concerns me. You have effectively tied your self image, self concept, and by extension, your self worth; into a behavior with this process. What is even more concerning is that you are mixing and matching absolutes with relatives, and tying them to to your self concept, which is a recipe for disaster.

Absolute: I made a vow, no exceptions.
Relative: "...If I didn't try to follow.."

You are setting yourself up for some serious cognitive dissonance right there, my friend.

Would you give up if she started bringing guys over to the house and sleeping with them right in front of you? What if she started bearing children with other men? Somehow I think that you *do* draw a line somewhere. The question is, where is that line? And why are you tying your self concept (integrity, honor, etc) into adhering to that line?

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More importantly, I want to believe that it's not over… and if I just end it myself now I have no shot...


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This looks more like denial than hope, based on what you have already shared.

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Another tough thing is that I have very few close friends in this city…they’ve all moved away…


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What city are you in? Find a support group. Email a 2+2er who lives in the area and buy them drinks while they listen. You can solve this one easily.

[bisonbison]

good luck duder. Let me know if you ever need me to make dismissive and offensive comments about the traumatic dissolution of your marriage.