My Wife's New "Buddy"

[jakethebake]

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yep how is it that women can do something that causes men pain and still make the whole situation out to be about them?

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I believe their mothers start teaching this when they're still in diapers.

[poincaraux]

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She called back very upset. We talked about it and of course I withdrew my demand to see the email.

A quote: I don't want to be in the kind of relationship where my husband demands to read my email!

Ugh. Well, we worked out a sort of comprimise. She told me in detail the kinds of things that they talk about and aknowledged that I have a right to feel uncomfortable. In the end, if I can't trust her, I might as well dump her because I can't follow her around or install spyware to keep tabs on her. If she wants to cyber with fat guys in Sweden, so be it. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

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You have a lot of talking to do, but this is a good place to start. You should probably say something almost exactly like that to her (the phrase "I might as well dump you" is no good, though). That kind of trust is the foundation of a relationship.

She may not think this particular act is such a big deal, but she should certainly 1) be willing to cut it out because it's so important to you 2) want to spend a lot of time talking to you to work on the deeper problems.

Her saying "this isn't a big deal; get over it" is no good. The fact that you think it is a big deal means that it *is* a big deal. She should rather say "I didn't think this was a big deal, but obviously you're way more important to me than Joe Internet. I'll tell him to piss off. After that, let's have a nice dinner together and focus on the good, happy things in our relationship. After *that*, let's work on the deeper problems."

[CollinEstes]

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yep how is it that women can do something that causes men pain and still make the whole situation out to be about them?

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I believe their mothers start teaching this when they're still in diapers.

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Yeah I always find it funny how pretty much every girl I ever dated for an extended period would make you take into account her feeling with EVERYTHING you did, but she wouldn't take your feeling into account ever.

[jaydub]

This is a terrible situation. Either take dom's great advice or...

Turn it around. Make friends with ridiculously good looking women, hire a maid / nanny / whatever based solely on her assets, and just be a flirty, friendly guy. All platonic of course but it gets the message across.

I really don't see any other play because you cannot handle her having a male friend. This situation with the compromise you describe is terrible and far worse than what you started with.

Good luck.

[Shajen]

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I'm not so good at confrontation.

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Flip the script on her.

Ask her how she'd feel if you were talking to some chick online and wouldn't let her read what you were talking about.

Dude, there's some nefarious [censored] going on there. Relationships are about trust.

And your relationship lacks that.

[poincaraux]

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Of course you did [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

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I don't want to be in the kind of relationship where my husband demands to read my email!


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This was, unfortunately, predictable.

Here's my take on it. You've got a marriage/relationship problem here.

The good news is, It's not about this guy she's emailing. He's just the symptom.

The bad news is, The problem's been there for awhile now. Communication, trust, intimacy, partnership, any/all/more of these.

I'd suggest that you work hard to separate these two things...and try to focus on the real problems. Don't let her make this about to be about "your hangup with her geek-internet-friend"...that's just the surface issue. What this is really about is what others have already said...why was she doing this in the first place? Why did she wait a month or more to tell you, and why is she telling you now, anyway?

You don't really know the answer to these questions, and that's part of the problem.

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(CollinEstes)"If you want to continue sending emails to this guy that is fine, but I just think it sucks that you would choose something so trival and meaningless over the feelings of your husband."

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Just as a side-note, OP: you're getting some ridiculously good advice from an internet poker forum.

[Dominic]

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I disagree somewhat. Yes what she is doing is inapproriate and unfair to her husband. However, reacting indignantly and forcefully will cause far more problems than it solves. What's important here is honesty and compromise. You're not a jerk for telling your wife that it makes you uncomfortable to have private relationships with men you don't know. That's a normal reaction. I'm quite sure that she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong, and probably wouldn't be aware that there's a problem. You have to let her know. If you're most important to her, it won't be an issue. Dealing with this calmly, honestly, and fairly will open the door for you to discuss the other problems that appear to be going on in your relationship.

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I agree that flying off the handle may not be the best way to approach this. Do it Phoenix's way first - if that doesn't work, THEN become indignant!

[Dominic]

I do say "come to a compromise." I don't mean you need to bow to every whim your wife wants because to do otherwise might hurt her feelings. That's going way too far.

[RunDownHouse]

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Turn it around. Make friends with ridiculously good looking women, hire a maid / nanny / whatever based solely on her assets, and just be a flirty, friendly guy. All platonic of course but it gets the message across.

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I'm sure this sensible, mature, well thought out approach will lead to a great resolution and a happy marriage.

Seriously, are you 17?

[mason55]

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Turn it around. Make friends with ridiculously good looking women, hire a maid / nanny / whatever based solely on her assets, and just be a flirty, friendly guy. All plutonic of course but it gets the message across.

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