Funniest thing you've heard while playing online.

[MadTiger]

*snicker*

Sounds like my kind of guy. Wants to lay a bad beat on as icing on the cake.

[MadTiger]

Suffer them as long as you are +EV

[MadTiger]

Hahaha.

[noggindoc]

Player 1: Did you ride the short bus to school?
Player 2: No, wore a helmet and rode a shopping cart with turn signals.

[Johan L]

U have been sitting there like a big pussy, just waiting to get [censored]!

/Tony Montana modified for poker

[oddsock]

Two made me laugh out loud, both happened on the same day last month...

First was :

After a ridiculous betting action in a STT which ended in a tremendous bad beat runner runner donkey flush.

Beaten Player : Thanks
Donk : yw - i was lucky
Beaten Player : No thanks because I was wondering why I had a note on you which read "retarded XXXX"

Second was :

Player C : fu - i make my living from people like you
Player D : you a pro?
Player C : sure am
Player D : a 5c table pro? you live in a kennel?

[dfbuzzbeater]

I was playing stud and bluffed the river. My opponent called and took down the pot, and said:
"I knew you had dick in your hole!"

Though I had lost, I was laughing for a good five minutes

[bkholdem]

Playing live at foxwoods:
There was a very overweight female dealer who would ask players to help her gather chips at the end of the hand, you know, asking/gesturing them to push the chips close to her so she could reach them.

Well a little while later there is another dealer, and that minor annoyance had been removed from the routine as he could reach them himself as most can.

The table is engaging in lighthearted friendly banter and one player verbalizes the observation: He says (as the dealer is raking in the chips) "I like dealers with long arms"

Then another player exclaims: "I like dealers with big T.its."

[Gildwulf]

Here's one from a tourney:

Dealer: KidKicker, it's your turn. You have 15 seconds to act
Dealer: Regular time for player KidKicker has expired, TIME BANK has been activated
Dealer: Game #3817783463: fattyfat wins pot (3600)
KidKicker: sorry guys "real" job distracting me

[friend_]

Party Poker 5/10 Hold'em (6 max, 4 handed) converter

Preflop: Hero is SB with K [img]/images/graemlins/spade.gif[/img], K [img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img].
UTG raises, Button calls, Hero 3-bets, BB calls, UTG caps, Button calls, Hero calls, BB calls.

Flop: (16 SB) Q [img]/images/graemlins/spade.gif[/img], T [img]/images/graemlins/diamond.gif[/img], J [img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] (4 players)
Hero bets, BB calls, UTG calls $7.57 (All-In), Button calls, Hero raises, BB calls, Button calls.

Turn: (12.52 BB) A [img]/images/graemlins/diamond.gif[/img] (4 players, 1 all-in)
Hero bets, BB calls, Button calls.

River: (15.52 BB) K [img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] (4 players, 1 all-in)
Hero checks, BB bets, Button folds, Hero calls.

Final Pot: 17.52 BB

Chat:
BB: Nice river fold.
Button: Ya lucky retard.
BB: Look who is talking.
Button: Lucky moron.