12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues

[JDErickson]

I know there are some well respected people here in the psychology field. I'm hoping for some advice on my 12 year old daughter.

Basically she has been a handful from the minute she was born. Labor was long a nd tough for my wife. The first night we brought her home we almost took her back [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

She has always been defiant and required lots of punishments of varying levels to keep her in line.

She is very smart and has her own distinct ways she likes to do things. These ways are out of the norm for her age group and thus she doesn't have many friends and she struggles to keep the ones she has. She basically takes over any group she is in and trys to get them all to do things her way. Her way is a little strange to the other kids so they end up excluding her.

She is very smart but refuses to try and thus is now failing Science and Math. She has problems with math because she refuses to learn her basic facts in prior years. She doesn't do her homework and lies and tells us she has none.

She is a bit of a dreamer and has become immersed in the internet chat world. She can create her own world there. We try and limit her time but then she has meltdowns. She recently has been trying to blame her chat addiction on me since I play poker in the evenings some days.

Recently she has become very withdrawn and emotional. Her meltdowns have increased in frequency to almost daily. A few days ago she went into her room and wrote a depressing poem on her bedroom wall with permanent marker. She has started mantioning how she should just be dead and no one loves her, etc. One time she took a push pin and scratched up her arms.

She is not involved in any drugs.

We are attempting to find her some counseling now but I'm wondering if anyone has any specific advice that may help.

Thank you

[smoore]

hurry dude. seriously.

I have no specific advice for you, our 13yr old boy is just a little surly.

[DonkBluffer]

This is a no brainer, but I would definately just talk with her. Just ask her why she is feeling the way she feels and why she does the things she does, and show her some understanding and love. I assume that's standard, but I don't know..

[Autocratic]

[ QUOTE ]
This is a no brainer, but I would definately just talk with her. Just ask her why she is feeling the way she feels and why she does the things she does, and show her some understanding and love. I assume that's standard, but I don't know..

[/ QUOTE ]

This is the kind of thing that won't work if someone really has a significant problem and the adult isn't trained to handle it. I didn't have these same issues as a child, but I was very stubborn, and no amount of talking would ever convince me to change my ways.

[ElaineMonster]

I'm not a therapist or anything. But I was once a 12 year old girl. Ages 12-14 are the WORST in a girl's life. She's going to start her period. She's going to care way less about school and more about boys and her appearance. She's going to be extra sensitive to EVERYTHING. She needs a lot of special attention right now, love and support and distraction and routine. Be consistent and loving and monitor those chats - there are a lot of crazies out there who will take advantage of your daughter.

[Brudder Andrusha]

There comes a period in life when you need to be persistant.

It starts with communication.

I would recommend living without the internet and TV in your house until things sort themselves out. Remember your father's generation didn't have it and they did fine... She wants the internet - Library and skool are for that!

Her skool day can't end at 2:30pm. At 12 she has to be occupied until she practically goes to sleep - bar dinner!

She has to find sonething she likes to keep herself occupied.
Music, dance, sport - There are many things but most of all you need to guide and keep a good eye until there is trust.

I hope she doesn't runaway with some maniac with whom she might have been having a conversation on the net while you had A9o.

[4_2_it]

I have a 12-year old daughter and what you are describing is not normal. Most kids want to do well in school (even if they fail) becuase deep down they want to please Mom and Dad. 12 is a little young to be smart enough to do the work, yet still fail.

I do not know your situation and I am not being judgmental. There is something else going on in her life and either you or your wife need to get close to her and understand what's up. Do you know her friends? Their parents? Do you know everyone that she IMs? My daughter is not allowed IM and while she isn't happy about it, it has never become an issue.

Cutting and self mutilation are not normal rights of adolescent passage. She is looking for attention. If kids can't get positive attention they will resort to negative attention (my 8-year old is experimenting with this now).

Punishing her isn't going to reveal the problem. Of course, she should be disciplined when she disobeys the rules, but you have to get to the root cause.

Her school should have a guidance counselor. Schedule an appointment for your and wife. Do not let your daughter know about it. See what develops.

Do you have any other children? Could there be some sibling rivalry here? Has your family suffered some sort of life changing event recently (death, divorce, move, school change, illness)?

I wish you luck and hope you find what is causing this.

[Aver-aging]

All I can say is that you're in a tough situation. Now, I am not a parent, but I have dealt with a very similar situation for two years from the time I was 12 until I was 14. The girl I knew had the same problems, but I ran into her at the later stage of them (when her cutting became a severe addiction).

First of all, I am against counselling for children. All it does it isolate them and make them feel awkward, like something is wrong with them. There is nothing a counsellor can teach a child that their parent can't. Having gone through counselling at a young age (very few sessions though), and having one of my parents as a working counselor, I can tell you I do not see great results from it.

Your first plan of action should be replacing the internet chat fixation with something else. It need not be anything definite either, but you should definitely try to expose your daughter to new and different things (things that no one else she knows can do, that way she's free to do things 'her own way'). All this takes is exposure, take your daughter to a concert, take her out to an art show, take her out to a science lecture. The main theme should be exposure to get her mind off of internet chat. Just let her explore the world around her, and help her out along the way. This will not be easy, and probably will mean that you might have to be coy about it. 12 year old girls (and boys) have an innate desire to hate everything related to their parents (and don't worry, that's an evolutionary trait that all children have, and its very very neccessary for their independent development).

Here's an example. Two parents wanted their daughter to take up piano, but they didn't want to force it on her like they were forced to play when they were young, because they eventually came to hate it. So, they decided to take a sly route. They went out and rented a piano, taking their daughter along with them to help pick one out. Then they left the girl to just fiddle with the piano herself. She made unbearable noise for weeks on end, then eventually she became curious over how she could learn a song. The parents told her about lessons, and the girl enthusiastically went for it.

Now, for your particular situation, you may want to do something like take up painting, music, or something else yourself. If she's blaming you for her fixation on the internet, and if she's correct, she may hopefully follow your footsteps in a different, more productive path. Honestly, it seems like she's in great need of something that she can do herself, without other people. Her personality seems to scream autonomy, so her have to give herself something she can become autonomous over. She seems like she's in need of an interest to consume her time and her energy. I guarantee you that if you can find something that she might be able to become passionate over, you will find your cure for your daughter's problem. When kids are confused, and all over the place (emotionally), they usually just need something to focus on, something they enjoy.

Also, talking to her about the problem will not fix it. You have to talk to her enough to let her know that you care so deeply about her that you're willing to do anything to get help her through this. Other than that, I don't suggest going any further, because it could actually hurt your relationship with your daughter. You see, the key to dealing with other people, is manipulation. Now, manipulation has a bad connotation, but it isn't a bad act if you're doing it for the right reasons (and since you're her parent, I know you have the right reasons - you care about her). You have to be very sly in these situations, and you have to pull subtle moves to slowly change her behavior. Distract her from the internet, bother her when she chats (be a relentless jokester), come up with activities for her to do with everyone else, introduce her to things she can do alone, introduce her to fields of new interest (there are literally millions). Just do whatever it takes to slowly manipulate her into changing her patterns of behavior. You're a poker player, you know all about grinding things down.

[JDErickson]

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I hope she doesn't runaway with some maniac with whom she might have been having a conversation on the net while you had A9o.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thats one thing I am definately careful of. All internet usage is monitored and logged. Most of her chats are innocent ramblings. She has created an online personality that is not what she is in normal life.

[Nietzsche]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
This is a no brainer, but I would definately just talk with her. Just ask her why she is feeling the way she feels and why she does the things she does, and show her some understanding and love. I assume that's standard, but I don't know..

[/ QUOTE ]

This is the kind of thing that won't work if someone really has a significant problem and the adult isn't trained to handle it. I didn't have these same issues as a child, but I was very stubborn, and no amount of talking would ever convince me to change my ways.

[/ QUOTE ]
Sometimes a child just want to be listened to, not told to change her ways. Though that may happen as a result.