the most inappropriate thing you've ever said/heard

[TTChamp]

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When I was a junior at Pitt I had this serious gf. I went to NYC with her to meet the family. By an unfortunate coincidence her grand father died of Leukemia (might be remembering disease wrong, but I think this was it) right before we got there. So I end up going to the funeral with her. Obviously this was awkward.

It got more awkward because I ended up sitting mostly by myself on a couch surrounded by all the young kids there. I'm not particularly good with kids, but I was winning points with her family by just keeping them out of everyones hair.

I start running low on material with the kids so I go to an old stand by. I decide I'm going to do the "do you know if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer" joke. For those of you that don't know this joke, when the guy puts his hand up to his face you push on it and make him hit himself in the face.

So any way I say to one of the kids "did you know that if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer?" Some how a dozen or more of the adults in the vicinity hear this and the whole room seems to go quiet. Apparently Leukemia is a form of cancer.


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Wow, this was hilarious, how the hell did you feel afterward?

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It was one of those moments where you know that you really f-ed up and everyone else knows that you really f-ed up and you know that they know that you know that you f-ed up....but no one actually acknowledges it.

It was never spoken of, but everyone was chilly to me for the rest of the trip.

[jstnrgrs]

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Mild but funny stories:

1. My gaming group has just finished playing a German board game. We're putting it away, and it has one of those trays where every piece fits precisely into its own slot. We finish, and one girl says, "How wonderful is that. Those Germans. I think they may be the world's most perfect people." Host is Jewish. The girl never quite figures out why everyone else is laughing.

2. My officemate in graduate school was Chinese. There was a speech mannerism that he and the other Chinese graduate students shared. When you were talking to them, they would say "Yes yes yes yes yes...", but that didn't mean "I understand". It meant "I'm listening". They might not understand a word.

So one day (pre-9/11) we both had to fly to the same conference in NY, and he's in front of me in the ticket agent line. The agent asks him, "Are you carrying any kind of explosives onto the plane?" "Yes, yes yes yes," he says. She looks disconcerted, then angry. "Sir, I ask again, are you carrying any kind of explosives onto the plane?" "Yes yes yes", he says. The ticket agent starts looking around frantically for the nearest security guard.

I lean in behind him and whisper very slowly, "She's...asking...if...you...have...a...bomb." "OOHHH, NO no no no no!" he says.

3. Ever play the Penis Game? The goal is to see who has the guts to say "penis" the loudest in a public place. Particularly fun and effective in a restaurant with slow service.

Anyway, a group of us are in Disneyland of all places, and somebody suggests the Penis Game. We're all duly afraid of the Disneyland Secret Police (one of our group used to work there), so nobody will say it above a whisper. "Why don't we switch to a similar-sounding but less offensive word, like, I don't know...'pancreas'?", I say. "Well that's boring", says one guy, who then leans back and yells "PAAAAAAANNNCCCCCRRRREEEEAAAASSSS!!!" at the top of his lungs right in the Space Mountain line. We are given a wide berth for the rest of the wait.

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I once yelled "Testicle" at the top of my lungs at Disneyland, so apparently, this isn't that uncommon.

[ChipsAhoya]

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We were at Denny's and my obese friend asked for his homefries smothered and covered (covered with country gravy cheese and bacon). We all laughed at him and called him a fatass. The waitress smiled. When she returned with his food she goes "here's you're food fatty." Dead silence. She got an 11 cent tip.

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That sounds absolutely disgusting.

-ChipsAhoya

[Big Steve]

Standing outside of a Wal-mart while I finished my cigarette an older man with the wrap around glaucoma glasses looks at me and says loudly....

"Didn't your mother ever tell you that smoking will kill you?"

I finished my puff and replied...

"Didn't your mother ever tell you that masterbating would make you go blind?"

Big Steve [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

[CamelZoo]

not sure if it's the most inappropriate thing i've heard, but it happened recently so...

but last week i was talking to my neighbor (we just moved to a new house) who is an older white lady. she was telling me about how safe the neighborhood was and how people leaves their doors unlocked, etc. she said the neighborhood has been lucky not to have any blacks or por-to-reekans live in the neighborhood. i just kind of stood there and didn't really know what to say. i'm 1/2 persian 1/2 mexican. i was kind of stunned and disappointed to be living next door to a bigot, but at the same time it was kind of hilarious how clueless she was on so many levels.

[Freerollin`]

The worst thing I ever said was in 4th grade to an adopted kid that I was arguing with: "At least my real parents loved me." That was awful.

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...Or, as Granny so eloquently put it, loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear, "That half-monkey African n****r wouldn't open the door for me."

Nice to meet you too, Granny.

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My gradmother moved back into the neighborhood where she used to live, where my wife and I now live, after my grandfather died. Once, when I took her to the doctor's office nearby, she commented in front of the very diverse waiting room, "Ya know, when I lived here, there weren't all these negroes, and there wasn't all this crime." [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[RR]

I did not hear this, I have only heard about it. When FDR died my grandfather said "Today is the greatest day in American history." My mother was in grade school and went to school and repeated that.

[nath]

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I went to a pretty expensive upper tier college and our basketball team was playing a public universitys team away. Some friends and I went to the game to show support yadda yadda. By early in the second half we were getting beat pretty soundly and the crowd was really tearing into our team with generic insulting chants. My friend, who was hammered, stands up and yells YOURE ALL GOING TO WORK FOR US SOMEDAY.

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Geez, this was a pretty popular cheer at my college. "It's all right, it's okay, you're gonna work for us someday" or the alternative "It's all right, it's okay, you're gonna pump our gas someday."

[jkamowitz]

My dad died when I was 3. .

I was talking with a friend a while.
Him: You're a father F'er
Me: My dad died when I was 3
Him: Well you better go get a shovel.

[illini43]

At a U of I Club Hockey game vs. some team from New York.

Some guy in the Harrassing Illini screams this after two players on the other team collided and knocked each other over after missing a check on one of our guys...

"Their like the twin towers!!!"