Dumb jokes you still find hilarious

[Big_Jim]

A bear and a rabbit are out in the woods, taking a dump.

The bear looks to the rabbit and asks, "Excuse me, do you have problems with sht sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

[noggindoc]

[ QUOTE ]
A bear and a rabbit are out in the woods, taking a dump.

The bear looks to the rabbit and asks, "Excuse me, do you have problems with sht sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

[/ QUOTE ]

This joke gets me every time. One of my favorite. Eddie Murphy told it in one his stand up routines (Delirious?). Classic.

[MrDiz]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

[blinlk182]

What's red and invisible???


No Tomatos.

[JJGD83]

A Russian guy and a Czecheslovakian guy go to a zoo and are walking by a gorilla cage. There's a mother gorilla, a father gorilla and a baby gorilla. The Czecheslovakian says "Hey..watch this" and starts dangling a banana over the fence taunting the baby. The Russian guy goes "You better knock it off, you're gonna get the parents angry." Just as he says this, the father gorilla jumps on the fence, grabs the Czecheslovakian guys arm, pulls him over and eats him whole. The Russian guy shakes his head, "Idiot.." and calmly walks away. The frantic zookeeper runs up to him. "OH MY GOD!! WHAT HAPPENED?? WHAT HAPPENED!!!??". The Russian guy looks at him and goes "Will you relax....the Czech's in the male."

[speedfreek]

The medicine man is sitting in his teepee when the big chiefs' servant comes in.
"Big Chief - No Fart!" he says.
The medicine man gives him a small pill and says "Give to chief, will fart in morning".
The next afternoon the servant comes back.
"Big Chief - No Fart!!"
The medicine man gives him a slightly larger pill and says "Give to chief, will surely fart in morning".
The next afternoon the servant comes back.
"Big Chief - Still No Fart!!"
The medicine man gives him a massive pill and says "Give to chief, will definitely fart in morning"...






The servant comes in the next afternoon with a sad look on his face.
"Big Fart - No Chief!!"

[djj6835]

[ QUOTE ]
A man was at a bar, and in walked Joe. Joe sat right next to the man, and Joe introduced himself. He said "hi, I'm Joe. I know everyone and everyone knows me." So the man said "I'll bet you a hundred dollars you don't know the mayor."

Joe said "okay, let's go to his house." The two went to the mayor's house, where the mayor shook Joe's hand warmly, asked about Joe's kids, and invited them in for dinner. The man was impressed.

He handed Joe the hundred bucks and said, "I'll bet you a thousand bucks you don't know the president." Joe said "let's go to the White House." They hopped a plane to D.C., went up to the White House gate, and they were let in by Secret Service, no problem. The President and the First Family met them outside and were so thrilled to meet one of Joe's friends that they took them on a private tour of the White House. The man was amazed.

He forked over the thousand bucks, shaking his head. Joe just smiled and said "I know everyone and everyone knows me." So the man said "I'll bet you ten thousand dollars you don't know the Pope." "Okay," Joe said, and the two flew to Rome, where the Pope was giving mass in the Vatican. There was a big crowd, and the man waited while Joe went up to see the Pope. Joe came out on the terrace and the Pope welcomed him with open arms and raised Joe's hand in unison for the crowd, and the crowd cheered.

Joe looked down to see the man's reaction , and the man had fainted! Joe rushed down the stairs to help the man, and revived him. Joe said "what happened?" The man said "I was impressed that you knew the mayor, and amazed that you knew the president, and totally astounded that you also know the Pope. But when you were up there, a man standing next to me asked me 'who's that guy up there with Joe?'"



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There must be something seriously wrong with me because I read this joke four times and each time read that as erection and not reaction. Needless to say the joke didn't make sny sense the first few times I read it.

[djj6835]

[ QUOTE ]
"Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in the hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest."


[/ QUOTE ]

I cracked up at all of these. These are by far the funniest jokes in this thread.

There was a blonde driving out in the country in her car and as she looked out the side window she saw another blonde sitting in a rowboat in the middle of wheat field and rowing away. She stopped the car and stood by the side of the road watching the other blonde rowing away. When her curiousity got the best of her, she yelled out, "What are you doing?"

The blonde in the rowboat yelled back, "They told me there was a sea of wheat out here and I'm trying to get across it."

The blonde on the road yelled back at her, "Sea of wheat is just an expression, you idiot! Its blondes like you that give us blondes a bad name. How can you be so dumb?"

At that, the blonde in the rowboat gave her the finger.

"O-o-o-o-oh!" yelled the blonde on the road, "If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

[battschr]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
"Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in the hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest."


[/ QUOTE ]

I cracked up at all of these. These are by far the funniest jokes in this thread.

[/ QUOTE ]