Three jokes for the price of one

[DonkeyKongSr]

[ QUOTE ]
I have already told the turtle joke twice and got good responses both times(both male fwiw).

[/ QUOTE ]

Tell it to a female and post trip report please. We could be on to something here.

[benfranklin]

A 911 operator gets a call from a guy that says his buddy just had a heart attack and he thinks he is dead. The operator asks where he is, and he says that they are hunting in the woods, and he is on a cell phone.

The operator asks what happened, and the guy says his buddy just grabbed his chest and fell over. The operator says to be calm and take it step by step. She says, "First, let's make sure that your buddy really is dead."

There is a moment of silence, and then she hears a gun shot over the phone. The guy comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

[DonkeyKongSr]

Actually, [censored] that...

[JJNJustin]

Three men are being trained for a special division of the Marine Corps. The sergeant tells them, "For this task, you are to take this gun into that room, where your wife is sitting, and shoot her dead and show no remorse." However, the sergeant doesnt tell them that the gun is filled with blanks. The first man replies, "Hell no I'm not going to do that you cant expect me to shoot my wife blah blah..." The second man leaves exclaiming, "Eff that I cant shoot my own wife blah blah." The third one, however, takes the gun and enters the room. The sergeant hears a shot, then two more, a crash, a prolonged scream, and then silence. The man reenters and the sergeant asks him, "What happened in there?" The man replies, "Well, after I shot her the first time she didnt look dead, so I shot her two more times until I realized some moron put blanks in this gun so I hit her over the head with the chair, but she was still alive, so I had to strangle her to death with my belt."

-J

[DonkeyKongSr]

It appears the turtle joke is the most accurate gaydar ever.

[sightless]

[ QUOTE ]
Three men are being trained for a special division of the Marine Corps. The sergeant tells them, "For this task, you are to take this gun into that room, where your wife is sitting, and shoot her dead and show no remorse." However, the sergeant doesnt tell them that the gun is filled with blanks. The first man replies, "Hell no I'm not going to do that you cant expect me to shoot my wife blah blah..." The second man leaves exclaiming, "Eff that I cant shoot my own wife blah blah." The third one, however, takes the gun and enters the room. The sergeant hears a shot, then two more, a crash, a prolonged scream, and then silence. The man reenters and the sergeant asks him, "What happened in there?" The man replies, "Well, after I shot her the first time she didnt look dead, so I shot her two more times until I realized some moron put blanks in this gun so I hit her over the head with the chair, but she was still alive, so I had to strangle her to death with my belt."

-J

[/ QUOTE ]

where is the punchline?

[kurtisj]

driver is pulled over by a policeman:

Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drink driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Man: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: She's in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of his vehicle.

Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you sir, but one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Yeah, and I bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

[SpaceAce]

[ QUOTE ]
Three men are being trained for a special division of the Marine Corps. The sergeant tells them, "For this task, you are to take this gun into that room, where your wife is sitting, and shoot her dead and show no remorse." However, the sergeant doesnt tell them that the gun is filled with blanks. The first man replies, "Hell no I'm not going to do that you cant expect me to shoot my wife blah blah..." The second man leaves exclaiming, "Eff that I cant shoot my own wife blah blah." The third one, however, takes the gun and enters the room. The sergeant hears a shot, then two more, a crash, a prolonged scream, and then silence. The man reenters and the sergeant asks him, "What happened in there?" The man replies, "Well, after I shot her the first time she didnt look dead, so I shot her two more times until I realized some moron put blanks in this gun so I hit her over the head with the chair, but she was still alive, so I had to strangle her to death with my belt."

-J

[/ QUOTE ]

Heh, I almost posted a version of this one, myself.

SpaceAce