Emotional Affairs

[xxThe_Lebowskixx]

blarg,

this isn't about casual friendships or flirting, it is about being 'emotionally intimate' (however you want to define that) with someone of the opposite sex. like others have alluded to, i think emotions are tied to physical attraction and sexual desires. i don't think a man a women can be emotionally intimate without being attracted to each other and desiring each other, atleast that is my experience.

[Fishwhenican]

Have none of you ever seen "When Harry met Sally"?

All of the rules for this are in that movie.

[ QUOTE ]
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes, I know it's Hollywood and all of that but I think there really is some merit in this.

Would I be upset if my wife had a male friend that she was terribly close to and shared her time and secrets with ie, an emotional affair? Hell Ya I would, unless he was gay and that wouldn't count because then it's just like her being close to another girl which is OK because this is what girlfriends are for.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
blarg,

this isn't about casual friendships or flirting, it is about being 'emotionally intimate' (however you want to define that) with someone of the opposite sex. like others have alluded to, i think emotions are tied to physical attraction and sexual desires. i don't think a man a women can be emotionally intimate without being attracted to each other and desiring each other, atleast that is my experience.

[/ QUOTE ]

I was talking about being friends, which I think you were originally talking about too when you said that men and women can't be friends.

I think "emotionally intimate" is a bad phrase, too, in that it conflates being emotionally connected with the kind of intimacy that one would expect from a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife, as if there is no other way to share deep emotions. Yet we grow up sharing them with many people we don't want to boink -- parents, siblings, relatives, friends at school, etc. It takes a determined turning away and turning off of emotional possibilities to claim that there really are none outside of one's relationship with one's partner. It just isn't true.

Can you confide in guy friends? Get great advice from them, some real empathy and good feedback and some concern sometimes? I can. Some of that stuff can go down real deep. But I can also get that from a female. And not necessarily have the slightest physical interest in her, or at least be able to keep it well in perspective.

[DrewDevil]

[ QUOTE ]
blarg,

this isn't about casual friendships or flirting, it is about being 'emotionally intimate' (however you want to define that) with someone of the opposite sex. like others have alluded to, i think emotions are tied to physical attraction and sexual desires. i don't think a man a women can be emotionally intimate without being attracted to each other and desiring each other, atleast that is my experience.

[/ QUOTE ]

Agreed, I don't think "emotional affairs" has anything to do with friendships.

[Dominic]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Adultery is the physical act.

[/ QUOTE ]
Agreed. But don't you see how an emotional attachment can easily lead to that?

[/ QUOTE ]

Only if the people are looking for an affair. You have to have some self control RoundGuy!

I once got emotionally attached to this one guy. He was so much fun, he was from Germany. He'd come sit down at my desk and talk to me several times a day. I would correct his English. I don't know, we just seemed to mesh. He invited me over to his place so he could cook for me. Anyway I was attached to someone else so it didn't go beyond friendship and actually I didn't want it to. It was a very awesome friendship. Hm, now that I think about it maybe it was a wannabe affair that never materialized. Good god I don't know what the hell it was. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

He wanted you. Why can't women see this?? If an unattached man is giving you attention, more often than not, he wants to get in your pants.

There are certain things that are just plain inappropriate when you're in a relationship: dining out (one on one) with a "friend" of the opposite sex is one of them. Sure there are exceptions, and it can be completely innocent, but on the whole it's just not respectful of your significant other.

[Dominic]

don't know if you ever saw this, Katy:

Dr Dom - why men and women can't be friends

Granted, I was being over-the-top to make a point, but a lot of it still valid!

[katyseagull]

[ QUOTE ]
Harry: "... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it?"

[/ QUOTE ]


Well hell yeah there's something missing from the relationship! Of course there is. It's naive to think we would all be satisfied by one other individual. It is not possible I tell you! People need to have a variety of friends and aquaintances throughout life. It's not an affair though. It's a FRIENDSHIP.

[Fishwhenican]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Adultery is the physical act.

[/ QUOTE ]
Agreed. But don't you see how an emotional attachment can easily lead to that?

[/ QUOTE ]

Only if the people are looking for an affair. You have to have some self control RoundGuy!

I once got emotionally attached to this one guy. He was so much fun, he was from Germany. He'd come sit down at my desk and talk to me several times a day. I would correct his English. I don't know, we just seemed to mesh. He invited me over to his place so he could cook for me. Anyway I was attached to someone else so it didn't go beyond friendship and actually I didn't want it to. It was a very awesome friendship. Hm, now that I think about it maybe it was a wannabe affair that never materialized. Good god I don't know what the hell it was. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

He wanted you. Why can't women see this?? If an unattached man is giving you attention, more often than not, he wants to get in your pants.


[/ QUOTE ]

It is pretty funny how women can't see this and actually have a hard time believing this but it is almost universally true. Unfortunately, it is also true even if you remove the "attached" part of that statement. A smaller percentage of attached men but there is still always that bunch who are trying to hit it or at the very least think about what it would be like.

[xxThe_Lebowskixx]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
blarg,

this isn't about casual friendships or flirting, it is about being 'emotionally intimate' (however you want to define that) with someone of the opposite sex. like others have alluded to, i think emotions are tied to physical attraction and sexual desires. i don't think a man a women can be emotionally intimate without being attracted to each other and desiring each other, atleast that is my experience.

[/ QUOTE ]

I was talking about being friends, which I think you were originally talking about too when you said that men and women can't be friends.

I think "emotionally intimate" is a bad phrase, too, in that it conflates being emotionally connected with the kind of intimacy that one would expect from a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife, as if there is no other way to share deep emotions. Yet we grow up sharing them with many people we don't want to boink -- parents, siblings, relatives, friends at school, etc. It takes a determined turning away and turning off of emotional possibilities to claim that there really are none outside of one's relationship with one's partner. It just isn't true.

Can you confide in guy friends? Get great advice from them, some real empathy and good feedback and some concern sometimes? I can. Some of that stuff can go down real deep. But I can also get that from a female. And not necessarily have the slightest physical interest in her, or at least be able to keep it well in perspective.

[/ QUOTE ]
My understanding of the term emotional affair is that you develop very strong feelings and desires for another person, only you don't act on them physically. In other words, you are Bill Murray in Lost In Translation. You are close to someone and feel strong energy between the two of you and open up yourself to them in an intimate way that you would only do with someone you were physically attracted to... i think you can see how this is different than discussing politics over lunch with a female and not feeling anything for her.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Adultery is the physical act.

[/ QUOTE ]
Agreed. But don't you see how an emotional attachment can easily lead to that?

[/ QUOTE ]

Only if the people are looking for an affair. You have to have some self control RoundGuy!

I once got emotionally attached to this one guy. He was so much fun, he was from Germany. He'd come sit down at my desk and talk to me several times a day. I would correct his English. I don't know, we just seemed to mesh. He invited me over to his place so he could cook for me. Anyway I was attached to someone else so it didn't go beyond friendship and actually I didn't want it to. It was a very awesome friendship. Hm, now that I think about it maybe it was a wannabe affair that never materialized. Good god I don't know what the hell it was. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

He wanted you. Why can't women see this?? If an unattached man is giving you attention, more often than not, he wants to get in your pants.


[/ QUOTE ]

It is pretty funny how women can't see this and actually have a hard time believing this but it is almost universally true. Unfortunately, it is also true even if you remove the "attached" part of that statement. A smaller percentage of attached men but there is still always that bunch who are trying to hit it or at the very least think about what it would be like.

[/ QUOTE ]

What you might think about strikes me as entirely irrelevant. I've thought about nearly everything I can even imagine, but that doesn't mean I want to really do more than a tiny fraction of it. Everybody else's story is pretty much the same. The mere fact that thinking about sex is possible is a ridiculous basis for ruling out friendships with half the human race.