any writers?

[Born 2 Loose]

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id like to write screenplays but the problem is that i suck.

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LOL, I watched the Soprano's espisode "The Legend of Tennessee Moltisani" last night! Believe me, you're better than Christopher.

[behemoth2006]

Okay, here we go, I don't normally rhyme in my poetry but it fit the mood I was in.

What do you think?

On the shores of an emerald sea
Beyond silver sands and foam
Lived a simple man with eyes of gold
The horizon was his home


The west wind called him by name
A name no one else knew
He set sail, on that day
To go where the wind blew

A dance of stars he saw by night
a clear sky by day
Familiar shores ever dwindling,
Chasing destiny he sailed away

A day arrived with a swift sunrise
He was nearing land again
Gulls cried welcome
His journey was nigh its end

What he found there is not mine to tell
He alone owns that tale
But never did he regret the day
The west wind filled his sail

Also, name possibilities?

[thatpfunk]

sorry, im pretty harsh but thats about as cliched as it gets.

[behemoth2006]

...how in the hell is that cliched?

I dont care what you think about my work but please explain what you mean? I was trying to build a mythology off of a very small central theme, and that was it.

Nightstar Final Draft


She hypnotizes me
Liquid Life
Woman yet not
Trailing the aroma of Destiny

She sings to me
Eyes smiling and laughing
Blue oasis in a desert of green
She calls to me from
The sunlit edge of the dark forest
A star on night's helm

She leads me
Into the mirky wood

Dusty blades of sunlight
Pierce the air between
The ancient sky-roots
She darts and weaves among them
And I chase. I am hers

Dusk draws near
Gold fall the leaves in that forest
As day fails
Silver seems her silk smooth skin
No younger than the trees, and yet
Not as crude or twisted by the turns of time
She is radiant

A star on night's helm

there, is that cliched? If it is, I might just need to hang it up forever.

[thatpfunk]

First, which do you want me to critique? Do you want honest feedback or not?

If you want some honesty: images and themes of the lone figure vs the ocean have been done to death. They are all over the place. As a reader, why shoud I choose to read this poem vs the thousands of other descriptive poems about a lone figure vs nature.

Second, this man is chasing "destiny" as he sails around the empty ocean. This is another theme that has been done to death.

Third, in my personal opinion this is the exact type of theme that you DON'T want to rhyme. If you're going to be overly descriptive and use such overused imagery make it different. As a reader, as soon as I started the poem I knew it exactly what was coming. The expected happened throughout the entire poem. Make the unexpected happen, surprise me.

Lastly, your rhymes are very simplistic and make the poem seem simplistic as well, lending to the "I've heard this story before" sense of cliche.

[behemoth2006]

Yeah, I will be using a version of the story more in an epic tone, which wont rhyme, as it seems to me (and apparently to you too) that whenever I rhyme, I warp back to 15 and make rhymes of dove and love... it's boring.

okay, what about the second, as it is more indicative of my work, and less indicative of my prof telling me to rhyme for once.

[thatpfunk]

i think you could do a little cutting (for instance, stnz2 ln2 i think "eyes laughing" conveys just as much, if not more, and i think it pushes the reader faster through the piece, eager to gain more infromation) and perhaps a little more clarifying.

As a reader I like the path I've been led down, but I felt like I was kept in the dark a little too much. I want to get somewhere and know where I've been.

[behemoth2006]

Holy [censored], actual constructive criticism. Thanks!

K, I made that revision, you're absolutely right, laughing is more evocative and having 'smiling' in there is redundant.

As far as detail to the reader, do you mean her purpose is too unclear, or the environment needs development?

[thatpfunk]

i personally don't think purpose ever has to be clarified; people will find their own purposes to relate to.

i think the reader has been giving a ton of stuff (Liquid Life, a woman yet not, an oasis, a star, as old as the trees) but we aren't sure exactly what is pulling us along, all of these things? One of these things?

It could be the case that you don't want us to know either, that you want it esoteric, but the reader deserves to know if this is the case as well.

[Toe-Knee]

Lol someone's ninja bumping, but cool thread. Have any of you guys made any progress in, what a year?