Standard Parent Question

[youtalkfunny]

I never wanted to have kids, either...

...until the day I held my oldest for the first time.

Not saying that you'll make the same radical change in attitude--merely pointing out that you might.

[Conspire]

My views on life are always changing, but having my parents say that I should do something just makes me want to do the opposite.

[Fishwhenican]

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My views on life are always changing, but having my parents say that I should do something just makes me want to do the opposite.

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That is pretty natural and I am the same way. But, I am 47 years old now and when I look back to who and what I was 20 or 30 years ago and I am a totally different person than I wsa then. I think that is the same for most people. As we age things change.

[MiloMinderbinder]

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My views on life are always changing, but having my parents say that I should do something just makes me want to do the opposite.

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I wish they would tell you to not die of AIDS in the next week.

Or in other words: If you are still so childish to have this attitude, then you probably shouldn't be breeding anytime soon anyway.

[bogey1]

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A couple days ago I was having a conversation with my parents and my mother brought up the issue of having kids. I have never really discussed this and I told her that I dont see myself having kids ever. She gave me this look of disappointment as if I had done something wrong.

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I'm not sure it's dissapointment. Maybe somewhat. Since your mother obviously enjoyed having you, she isn't going to emotionally grasp why you aren't looking forward to having kids of your own.

I think, beyond dissapointment, part of that "look" is hurt. Somewhere inside her is a voice asking "Was his childhood so bad, was my parenting so poor, that it's made him not want children? Is this my fault?" And she fills with sadness, not just because you don't want children, but because it calls into question whether the life she gave you as a child was a good one.

Now, obviously, you know it's got nothing to do with that. But, I can tell you, as a parent, you want so much for your child's life to have been a happy one that your gut instinct is that you've failed when he/she rejects having a child of their own. It's not really logical, but it's there.

[Conspire]

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A couple days ago I was having a conversation with my parents and my mother brought up the issue of having kids. I have never really discussed this and I told her that I dont see myself having kids ever. She gave me this look of disappointment as if I had done something wrong.

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I'm not sure it's dissapointment. Maybe somewhat. Since your mother obviously enjoyed having you, she isn't going to emotionally grasp why you aren't looking forward to having kids of your own.

I think, beyond dissapointment, part of that "look" is hurt. Somewhere inside her is a voice asking "Was his childhood so bad, was my parenting so poor, that it's made him not want children? Is this my fault?" And she fills with sadness, not just because you don't want children, but because it calls into question whether the life she gave you as a child was a good one.

Now, obviously, you know it's got nothing to do with that. But, I can tell you, as a parent, you want so much for your child's life to have been a happy one that your gut instinct is that you've failed when he/she rejects having a child of their own. It's not really logical, but it's there.

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Very nice view, that helped open my eyes into her perspective. Its understandable for my mother to feel that way, but still in the end she will learn to accept whatever choice that I do make between now and the future. I would hope that she really wouldnt be hurt for the rest of her life if I chose not to have kids, im also sure that she understands im only 23 and have plenty of time to get a good grasp on life.

[Selfish Gene]

Murderer.

[revots33]

Having grandkids is fun, probably more fun than parenting in some ways, so I don't think it's a shock that your mom would like to have grandkids some day. I think a lot of parents have a kindof Norman Rockwell vision of their old age, with a house filled with their visiting kids and their grandchildren. Especially at the holidays, gathered around the Christmas tree, etc.

That's not to say it's not 100% your decision - but the desire for a parent to become a grandparent seems perfectly natural to me.

[daveT]

True, entertainme. I guess I am glossed over because I live in LA. I think that the area that you live in also has an impact on how much you are qualified to have children. I know that people having children too early costs us way too much money. For example, in California, all prenatal to low-income parents (less than 25k) is paid for by the state. With WIC, etc, the costs of raising a child is hampering to the society.

Let's say I live in Mobile, Al, where the average income is like 20k a year, rent in a house is 400 a month, etc, then raising a child when you are younger is much easier and probably better, due to strong familial ties, easier living standards, and the fact that there would be less competition for a good job. Surely, a low-income person would be able to find a job in a factory earing 10/ hr and do swell for his family.

I posit that my generalizations may be wrong. If you have a child too early here, you are asking for trouble.

I want to believe that the majority of the posters here want "more" from their lives, whatever that may mean. It is much harder, if not impossible to chase and fulfill "more" when this is compounded with the stress of raising children. I understand that this is not a nice statement, that some people believe that children give all you need in life, but I think that parents should be able to think to about the dependents lives before they decide to create them. If they are not able 90% guarantee stability in marriage, income, etc, then I think it would do them better to wait. For some, there is no other goal but to have children, I respect and envy them.