New to OOT. Have custody of my nephews. LONG

[EddieMoney22]

Long time lurker. You all make the day go by much faster at work. Well now its my turn to share a story and maybe get some advice.

My sister has 3 boys ages 17, 15, and 12. She got into drugs and lost custody of her kids. They were in foster care while the courts decided who in our family could have them.

My wife and I really didn't want to do this we don't have kids and don't want kids, but I couldn't let them go to foster care. My younger sister has 3 kids of her own so she said she could take one but not all three. My mother couldn't get them because she believes in Spanking and told the Social worker that.

So My Wife and I get two of the the kids on June 26th 2006. The 12 and 17 year old. FYI this was suppose to be tempory (until there mother completed Drug rehab and counseling). There father wants nothing to do with them at all and hasn't since the youngest one was 2.

So The 12 year old has been nothing but trouble, but all little trouble, Not doing homework, fighting at school, not cleaning his room, always breaks things ( not on purpose) like my laptop, terrible grades. The older one does not get in any of those little problems. He does his homework, gets decent grades upper 70's low 80's. Does not skip school. He even played on the Highschool football team. But the first month he was with us we let him go to Buffalo for the weekend to visit friends he was staying at my younger sister's. He got arrested for throwing rocks in a major road with friends ( not little rocks either) We went through the whole you could have killed someone speech and everything. Almost a year later of no problems with him at all. He goes to buffalo again (which he had done many times over the year But this time he and his friends break into cars and steal stuff, gets arrested again! We let him spend 5 days in there before bailing him out to teach him a lesson. He is no longer allowed in Buffalo without us there.

Now Here is the issues, My sister was on here way to getting them back, she was doing great. Then a relapse, now she is back in rehab. My wife is going crazy and wants them out of our house. Even though I understand I find it way to hard to put them in foster care. My wife and I have now been arguging nonstop for a few weeks about this. We have both in counseling.

We have a court date on Dec. 14th. My mother is trying to petition for them again we will see how it goes. If they won't give them to her then I have a decision to make. Put my nephews in foster care or hope my wife will understand that I can't do that. ARGHHHHHH!!! What to do??? What to do???? Sorry for any typo's, Run on senteces, or missplled words. Typed this fast or didn't know how to spell it lol.

[Vyse]

You DON'T believe in spanking? You better start the faith.

[Paul B.]

foster care

[4_2_it]

Wow. Tough spot. I know my wife would be exactly like your wife in this situation. How long till the 17 year old is 18? If it's only a few months then maybe stick it out and kick out to grandmom when he turns 18. It seems like the 12 year old would be manageable on his own.

[NT!]

eddie,

i work in the child welfare field and was just at an industry conference on friday. i attended a workshop about kinship care vs. regular foster care, and the relative success of each.

what you did for your sister's kids has helped them a great deal, even though they are struggling right now. statistically speaking, kids who are placed in kinship foster care have a much, much better chance of avoiding adverse behavioral outcomes and other problems down the line. what's more, kids who go into kinship care early on (i.e. don't have to wait in a regular foster home while a relative is petitioning for custody) have even better outcomes.

statistics don't really matter to an individual - what really matters to you is the outcome for your nephews and your sister. but i thought you might like to know this.

depending on the state you live in, you may be eligible for foster parent benefits that you aren't receiving. the kids are almost certainly eligible for some counseling, supportive services or other benefits. i don't know what you are receiving or what they're getting in the way of services, but look into this, and don't just take the word of somebody from the state office - they often fail to inform you of your rights or refer you to good services. if you're in NY state i may be able to help you locate further help.

it's normal for foster kids - even kids in kinship care - to struggle. it sounds like your nephews have some positive things going in their lives, some strengths to build on, etc.

one other thing to consider - if you place the kids in foster care, your family (and your sister) will probably never get them back. for the older two, it's less of an issue because they will be aging out anyway. federal law requires that states initiate a termination of parental rights any time a child has been in foster care for 15 of the last 22 months. you may be aware of this already, but i thought you might want to know anyway. this is a crucial time period in terms of custody of your nephews.

more details would help, feel free to post in the thread or PM me.

(disclaimer - IANAL etc, use information in this thread at your own discretion and risk, i am speaking not as a professional in the field but merely as a concerned 3rd party.)

[EddieMoney22]

Wow! I didn't expect this kind of response so fast. I will try to respond to all responses.

Vyse, I was spanked growing up and it didn't hurt me at all in life. I didn't say I don't believe in it. What happned was the kids spoke with a law guardian who asked them about there grandmother (my mother) and they were like no way do we want to live with her she spanks us. And believe me you know it when you get spanked by her lol. But she does not beat you ( I think it's a huge differnce) The law guardian never asked us about spanking.

Paul B., Round Guy and Fast Food - I Hear what you are all saying this is a very unfair spot to put my wife in. I knew coming into the marriage that she didn't want kids. Even though I did I was and am able to deal with that. But to give up my nephews into fostercare is very tough and Im not sure how I would deal with it after the fact.

42 - The 17 year old just turned 17 on Sept. 24th. So it's another year.

NT - I am in NY, Rochester NY. Right now we do get medicad for them from the system and some cash for food and clothing. That part to me is not the issue though I don't need the money from the system (although I didn't realize how much two growing boys can eat and how fast they ruin there clothes lol). I have dealt with the "system" alot in the last 16 months and your right they do not seem to tell you everything.

I don't know I really don't want them to go to foster care. and I really don't want to lose my wife. I hope my Mother's petition will go through this time. The social work basically told us they are not worried about the 15 or 17 year old (basically for the same reasons you explained above). They really are concered for the 12 year old as he would then be placed in foster care alone.

[NT!]

The boys should be able to get behavioral therapy, counseling, supervised visits w/ Mom, all sorts of stuff that would almost certainly help to stabilize them. Caseworkers tend to be ridiculously overworked and undertrained (some of them are lousy but it's usually not their fault), but if you advocate for yourselves you can get access to a lot of help.

There are foster parent groups that meet to discuss these kinds of issues as well, share strategies, give mutual support, etc. Your wife might find this useful, or maybe not. Worth suggesting either way.

The boys are going to pick up on the tension between you and your wife, too. Kids are very perceptive about this kind of thing, even if they don't say anything or don't even seem to be aware of it.

Involve them in the decision. Talk to them about what the options are and what they would prefer. They may have said they don't want to go to grandma before, but now that they have been in care for a while and may be faced with going to a stranger, they may feel differently. Try to be prepared for court and have a first, second and third plan just in case. Make sure they know that you care about them and will be a resource for them no matter what happens, even if they have to go.

It's really important for your wife to hear how much you mean to her and that you understand her concerns. Over and over. And over. She is probably feeling trapped and overwhelmed. The worst thing, in that scenario, is not having anywhere you feel you can turn.

[TripSearching]

You sound like a nice guy who cares about his family even though they may be a bunch of [censored] ups so I will give you some serious advice. Tell your wife to stop being so selfish, sometimes there are things in this world that are out of her control. This is one of those times. You have a responsibility to these children at this point and putting them back into foster care would be wrong and possibly/probably detrimental to their well being. I am actually surprised anyone could be married to a woman who is so selfish that she wants to put these children back into foster care. I also think children need to be slapped on occasion if they misbehave so they know there are consequences. What you should do is get your belt out and use it on the 17 years, the 12 year and your wife when necessary so everyone knows who the man in the house is. All problems solved.

[NT!]

[ QUOTE ]
I am actually surprised anyone could be married to a woman who is so selfish that she wants to put these children back into foster care. I also think children need to be slapped on occasion if they misbehave so they know there are consequences. What you should do is get your belt out and use it on the 17 years, the 12 year and your wife when necessary so everyone knows who the man in the house is. All problems solved.

[/ QUOTE ]

yeah, don't do this (as if it really needed to be said).

[istewart]

Console yourself with the fact that if NT had any other job, you would be banned.