My College Essay...

[furyshade]

think about it this way, you see these essays and need to eliminate one: "why community service has made me a better person", "why the debate team has made me a better person", "why poker has made me a better person", which do you cut out of the pile, all things being equal?

[Josem]

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If you fall into the same category as the rest of the world’s general population, you will have to put aside your previous biases, and listen to what I have to say.

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I think that this is the most poorly formed sentence I have read today (I read a lot of crap, so it's probably not the worst sentence this month).

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I bet I can give you a negative impression of me by describing myself in this way: “I am a poker player.”

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Bad pun.

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Most people would instantly envision me as a degenerate and compulsive person who could never be trusted. I can’t blame you though, I have had pre-conceived notions about many things that I knew little about as well.

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Using the word "you" to address a reader like this is awful.

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What I am attempting to explain is that not everyone fits the stereotype, and that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

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More bad cliches please.

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What makes a gambler a gambler is the fact that he or she is willing to risk his money on a completely uncontrollable result.

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Nice consistency on "he or she" vs "his".

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I would never be interested in something like that, and would feel stupid for trying to beat games where the house is the only one who can really win in the long run.

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So, you're a poker player, but say you'd never be interested in being a gambler? I hope this is not your essay for logic class.

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As a winning player I have had to do three main things…practice, exemplify self-control, and be able to handle a potential rough day.

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That's not how to use the word "exemplify."

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All three of these things are vital for success no matter what you want to do, be it a doctor or a poker player. But then why are avid poker players looked at as outcasts?

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Are they?

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Probably because poker players are lumped in with those who play blackjack and those who bet compulsively on sports.

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Yeah, people who gamble on cards and sports are nothing like people who gamble on cards.

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Practice makes perfect. I only became a winning player because I was willing to figure out what I was doing wrong and work on it, much as I did as I progressed through high school.

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This sentence is not awful, although the "practice makes perfect" is bad.

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My high school career started off rather rough, much like my poker career.

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professional student ftw.

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I first had to realize I was not as good as I thought in poker, and that school was not as easy as I thought.

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I don't understand the purpose of the metaphor between school and poker.

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I had to determine what allowed me to learn best, and with time I was able to do so. This was true in poker as well, I had to adapt and find a comfortable playing style.

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Nothing nasty to say about this.

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Repetition was the next step, without repetition there is likely little practice. Through multiple quarters I struggled, getting mainly Bs and Cs as a freshman, but come senior year I had made the Honor Roll.

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I don't know what these words mean.

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Again my poker journey paralleled this experience. I went from losing for a few months consecutively, to a point where I no longer have losing months. I will never be perfect, but I can always practice perfectly.

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Less cliched platitudes, more substance would be good.

I got bored reading here, but hopefully this feedback is useful to you.

[mbillie1]

wow line by line pwnd

[Josem]

it's actually good advice if he wants to read it.

you know, being self-critical and all that.

[React1oN]

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wow line by line completely obliterated

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[c4mg]

Is this better?

Competition is something I love. I have always tried to be the best at whatever I was doing. I suppose many people are like me, but I think that I took it to a different level. I felt when I was younger that there was no point in playing a sport unless you thought that you could play it professionally, though I realize now that that was stupid. This has made me better in many ways, but always wanting to be the best has had its negative effects as well. I often felt like a failure if I was not the master but now understand that no one can do everything perfectly.
School was very easy for me until my rude awakening freshman year of high school. I thought I was able to handle it with no preparation, but I was definitely wrong. This turned out to be a positive experience though. Being able to handle defeat is a major part of life. My competitive nature left me lost, how did I do so much worse than everyone else? Unfortunately I handled it totally wrong, being too upset and feeling too sorry for myself to actually do anything about my grades for a good portion of freshman year. But eventually I realized that being upset didn’t change anything; I was just trying to make myself feel better. I was able to steadily improve my grades as high school progressed to a point where I made the Honor Roll as a senior. Because of my high school experiences I am able to handle defeat and come back even stronger when I encounter a challenge.

[React1oN]

tl;dr but no

[furyshade]

you don't say anything, your entire essay could be reduced 2-4 sentences.

[LiveNow]

c4mg,
check/fold.

[forshure]

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As a winning player I have had to do three main things…practice, exemplify self-control, and be able to handle a potential rough day.

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Dont think ive ever used ... in a paper outside of shortening a quote, and this is definately not the right place for it. Teachers are really happy if you learn to use colons and semi colons right.