poem i wrote. tell me what you think

[Popinjay]

would like honest opinions pls... i'm a big boy, i can take it. if you think it sucks tell me, but tell me why.

untitled by le popinjay

i don't care... but

i do.

why?

god is love

so says the bible

so says my intuition

but i don't believe in god...

a resistance to establishment

to hypocrisy

truth distorted

love lost

confusion and darkness spread unnecessarily.

should one live their live

for what they believe in?

yes it only sounds right

but in that fleeting stillness

what sounds penetrate

the clear shimmers of our life?

faith

something i lost a long time ago

so long i can't ever remember

having it.

something unknown to me now

those things are the hardest

to learn, if it's

possible at all... dream

i am

just like a dream

fuzzy and scattered

certain moments

shine through

others lost and found

again in times when not

looking for them at all.

god is love

and i am god

[Myrtle]

I am the furthest thing in the world from being qualified to critique anyone on poetry.

One thing I will tell you though......

......I like the thoughts and sentiment.

[katyseagull]

I like these lines,


[ QUOTE ]
i am

just like a dream

fuzzy and scattered



[/ QUOTE ]



This was my least favorite part,


[ QUOTE ]
god is love

and i am god

[/ QUOTE ]

[Kimbell175113]

Yeah, I don't really like the ending, but part of that is because it's the ending (i.e. if you move it earlier, or add more after it, it won't have that weight of cheesiness that comes with being the last words).

[daveT]

It's an interesting poem. I never been a fan of free-form, unless I am missing the structure.

[Dominic]

i like it...i think...i'm still digesting it

[Duke]

Fix the spelling error (live == life the second time in that line), and after that who cares what we think? Ideally, it worked as a way for you to put thoughts on paper.

I actually liked the last couple lines the best. They convey a finality/realization that ends it well. To me, the content of the realization is irrelevant, so I'm not judging based on that. It did a good job of getting the point across that the poem was complete.

I'm guessing that I'm the wrong one to critique formless prose, since there is nothing to critique. I'll either "get it" or I won't, and that's neither a fault of mine nor yours. All I can really do is tell you if it felt like it ended, and it did. The rest is reliant on how closely it's matching up with what you were really trying to say. How could I judge that?

[sebbb]

some of the themes and words and phrases you use are a bit cliche

This part is the best imo
(I put dream on a single line like "faith", but it works both ways)
[ QUOTE ]

dream

i am

just like a dream

fuzzy and scattered

certain moments

shine through

others lost and found

again in times when not

looking for them at all.



[/ QUOTE ]

I like being able to mix lines with each other or take them separately. Actually what I quoted could stand on itself. I'm not too satisfied with "looking for them at all". I'd change it with something like "looking for them in vain", but that probably doesnt make any sense.

Thank you for sharing

[Fishwhenican]

I like it with the possible exception of the last two lines. Not really sure on those one way or another.
But overall, I enjoyed reading it.