Las Vegas - Chuck E. Cheese for Retarded Adults Trip Report - Part 1

[Burdzthewurd]

***DISCLAIMER***
No hookers were involved in the making of this trip report, nor was there any blow concerned (although there will be a musical part involving them later).

CLIFF NOTES AT BOTTOM

Cast for Part 1:

Burda - Himself
Steve-o - The People's Champion/Gullible's Travels
James - The Atlanta Aaron Lewis
Angelica - Mouth of the Mormons

So my good friend Steve-o and I head out Las Vegas for Spring Break from the 17th-23rd. We don't have much of a collective plan, other than me playing poker a good deal, hopefully a 12-hour session at least.

Sunday-

We get into our hostel around 1am, after taking a bus through the sketchiest of ghettos. I remark that the bus line-up is "colorful", but not in a racial way. We can't check in until 7am, so we have a good amount of time to kill. At least 6 people approach Steve-o, asking for money or cigarettes (he ends up giving out around a pack's worth for the entire trip). One guy goes as far as introducing his wife, remarking how beautiful she was (I like where this is going)...then asks for a quarter, "for her sake". Rats, that would have made for an indecent proposal (albeit a bargain one).

We eat at Binion's and wander around Fitzgerald's (what I'll be calling Shitzgerald's from now on) while Steve-o smokes and sets his new goal of trying to win a car on slots for the trip. He probably blows off 5 or 10 bucks, being bored I try and do the same and break about even, but have a [censored] of nickels instead of crips one-dollar bills, excellently convenient. There was no reason for me to ever play slots again after I slammed a $2600 jackpot at the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City in summer 2005, ugh.

We come back to the hostel and meet James, who is a Southern Dandy replica of Aaron Lewis of Staind, no lie. His backstory? He hitchhiked from Savannah, Georgia to Hollywood, then his girlfriend, who he met there, brought him to Las Vegas. It must be nice to be stone-broke, get a girlfriend in Hollywood of all places, and have her move with you to Las Vegas. And I thought my red Sunfire with moonroof would get me something [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] We play pool most of the night, and notice a Puerto Rican hooker being pushed around by the LVPD for an hour or so. Come on po-po's, let's give a little respect to the oldest profession in America, being a lady of the night.

We don't end up doing much on Sunday. I'm cruising around the Strip, looking for Stud and Omaha Hi/Lo games. No dice, as Binion's, Circus Circus, El Cortez, and Harrah's are all supposed to spread these games at various limits, and fail. We eat at a scummy 99 cent "restaurant" in the Penny Town section of the Riviera. I see a few spiders crawling around under the display glass where the giant cookies and salads were. I played it safe and stuck to the pepperoni pizza (which any hot-blooded Italian would spit on once tasting it) and a meatball sandwich (which wasn't too horrible). I stuck to the $1.49 menu because hey, I could afford to be a highroller this early in the trip.

Steve-o wanted to take advantage of some free [censored] there, so we each signed up for an Aladdin card, which got you a free pull to win $2 million and entry into a 5-minute slot tournament, where if you got over 5000, you'd get a coupon and tote bag. Well, Steve-o managed to slam a free tote bag with his free pull, and though I emerged victorious between the two of us in the slot tournament, I was 10 points off a tote bag.

I was on too much tilt for the rest of the day, so we headed back to the hostel for the Sunday Night Free BBQ by the pool. They ran out of ketchup and hamburger buns, thanks to the oversaturation of good-looking Aussie bastards. We talked to a few of them, and they were traveling the US and eventually to the Caribbean to watch a cricket tournament, and felt like flashing their money at a $17 a night hostel. Sunday was pretty lame, and we were spent, so we passed out fairly early.

Monday-

We wake up around 11:30 and head over to Shitzgerald's for brunch buffet. It blows some serious chode, as it's probably 1/10th of a Umass Dining Common, and not much better in quality. They didn't even have cheesecake for desert, and the $10 pricetag was a joke. This is the spot where Steve-o came up with the quote of the trip, saying that "Las Vegas is like a Chuck E. Cheese for retarded adults". He followed that gem up with saying he hated gambling. Uh-huh, and why did you come on this trip then fool!?

I finally wet my whistle poker-wise by getting into a 1-5 Stud game at the Mirage after waiting about 45 minutes to get in. I'm the youngest there by a good 40 years as expected, and get some odd looks. One geezer asks me if I sat down at the wrong table and meant to play Hold'em. I assure him that I'm just a young punk eager to take his retirement funds. No applause, but I mention that I'll be there all week.

It was nice to run good, as I get paid off on my full house and flushes, have most of my big pocket pairs hold up, and only take one bad beat which wasn't too much of a disaster. I told Steve-o before hand that I'd bounce around quarter to 9 so we could hit a good buffet on the Strip. He keeps calling every half hour asking when i'm going to leave, and I conveniently pick up Kings or Aces everytime he calls, raising inbetween our short conversations, and pissing off the table. Sounds like a winning strategy to me. I cash out and rack up a $80 profit, pretty good for a little under three hours play. I had 3 screwdrivers on a fairly empty stomach, yet feel only a bit nautious and not drunk, since the waitresses were freaking slow.

It was free shots of tequila-night at the hostel (rather at "The Bunkhouse Saloon" next doors, which is indeed "bunk"), and Steve-o took full advantage of it, slamming down 7 shots in the course of an hour. Don't get me wrong, he's a funny drunk, but also gets a bit too rowdy. We meet up downtown as he brings along Alicia, a thick goth-like girl from Utah that was also staying at the hostel. We notice that there is construction along the bus route, and walk for a good hour trying to find the new stops. While waiting for the bus at one stop, Showboat Jimal approaches our friend Gullible's Travels, who hands out his last $4 for a Showboat CD, despite the fact that Steve-o pretty much reserves his musical tastes for emo and hard rock, and Showboat's music is "God-inspired hip-hop". He talked a good game, I'll give him that, and he didn't try to hustle us out of any more money, just went on and on and on about his underground hip-hop career (doesn't it seem kind of cliche' that he kept going on about him being underground hip-hop, like talking about Fight Club?).

We walk some more and somehow the conversation turns to cross-dressing and how my best friend dressed me up in her clothes as Britney Spears once on a boring afternoon in 2000. Steve-o proceeds to run up to anyone who passes by, yelling "look at this guy, look at him! He wears bras! HE'S A TRANNNNNNNNNNNNVESSSSTITE! TRANNNNNY!" Drunk Steve-O at his finest, yes. I guess better here than Umass.

After finding the bus, we head back to the Strip to a 24-hour Korean BBQ, Kimchi. I figure what the hell, might as well try some different cuisine. We recognize just about nothing on the menu, except for the steaks which are 30 bones, a little too pricy. I end up getting the glazed pig feet (at least it's pork, right?). When asked what she wants, Angelica bluntly says "so which of you is going to pay for me?" Uhhhhhhh. I go with "not me". Steve-o ends up sharing part of his 8-course meal with her, and I don't feel too bad about it. I've never been a fan of freeloaders (rarely did I ask my parents for money when I was younger, so I'm no hypocrite), and for someone like her to come right out and ask that is outrageous, though I'll give some credit for the moxy to say such a thing. I unfortunately could not finish the two pounds of pig's feet (they looked like pieces of turkey, no toenails found), and took a doggy-bag for it. I was tempted to use my thin knowledge of Korean Dark Cinema on the aging yet incredibly hot waitress/owner, but froze [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

Cliff Notes: Dick around Sunday, Bums attracted to The People's Champ, Steve-o wins a tote bag while I geet squadoosh, BBQ sans Ketchup, run good at Stud, make monies, Showboat Jimal, Pig's Feet, Freeloaders.

In the next episode: Expensive first dates, berating my poker play, toy stores, uncomfortable moments with Germans, Spamalot, and the downfall of Burdamania? Stay tuned!