Dealing With Being Unattractive

[EnigmaCanada]

CLIFF NOTES: realize I'm unattractive through life experience; then list adjustments I've made because of it.

I’m 30, and I’ve basically had to realize that I’m not that attractive of a person. I stand less than 5’9, but I have a slim build but I work out. I don’t have a classically attractive face, although sometimes it can look ok when I’m smiling. I’m the son of two immigrant parents, and the nationality I am is not at the bottom of status in Canada, but it is more of a lower status on. I’ve got the kind of looks where I can win someone over who’s attractive if:
-I get immediate credibility with a good word or intro from a credible source
-there isn’t much competition around competing for a target
-she takes the time to get to know who I am

Realizing that you’re unattractive can be a difficult thing to deal with. Society blasts so many sexual images at us (Maxim, Girls Gone Wild, Victoria Secret, MTV, Beauty and the Geek) and it makes you want to get up and go out and pound some Lindsay Lohanesque piece of ass. Then reality sets in and you remember that your just one of those guys who doesn’t have the looks or the Alpha-maleness to pull it off.

As the years have gone by, I’ve been more reminded of my place in the game of attraction, but it still hurts my feelings sometimes to be reminded. It sucks going out to the bars, and being too timid to approach women. Then the few you actually do get the nerve to approach – nothing happens. No signs of eye contact or interest from slutty or horny women. I’m just not that guy who visually stands out in an appearance based setting.

Rather than continue to feel sorry for myself, I’ve used my experience and knowledge to adjust for my lack of looks. I’m gonna share what changes I make, but feel free to comment or add to them.

Avoid situations where looks are emphasized:
-I will limit my time in nightclub to only birthday or stag celebrations. The more time I spend in clubs, the more I’m reminded that I just wasn’t blessed with the strong genetics that women are searching. Online dating is especially based on your picture and looks. If trying to meet girls, I’d prefer to meet through friends of friends, where they can get to know me through my personality, rather than judge me on my looks.

-Take part in activities where looks aren’t emphasized. I play sports, watch movies, play video games and play poker. These games, you can take more value in your skill and just enjoy the activity, rather than be reminded that you’ll never be Brad Pitt. Endorphins from exercise are a great way to make you feel good.

-Avoid hanging out with pretty boy friends. The pretty boys will just take any focus women have away from you. I also have one friend who has to let me know of every situation where women are completely throwing themselves at him for immediate sexual gratification. He’s a good guy, but brags a bit too much. It just sucks to hear how easy it is for him, while I’m high and dry.

-Take the time that I’d use trying to pick up girl to focus on strengthening other areas of my life that will make me more attractive. I’m talking mainly about your career. Chicks love money. It is definitely a huge attraction point along with looks, height, muscles, personality, and status. Take the time to do better in those classes, or perform better on the job so I can get ahead and make up for my lack of being a pretty boy. Also, instead of focusing on going to clubs all the time, you can focus on hobbies and gain more skill at them. Examples would be golf, poker, bowling, video games, kickboxing, etc.

-Adjusting where money is spent. Rather than spending money on going out to the bar all the time, focus on saving up for a condo. Chicks are also turned on by a guy who has his life together. I’m gonna focus on being more achieving/responsible with my life, than being that crazy party boy. The party boy role works, but you have to have the looks/personality/expendable bank roll to pull it off.

[thirddan]

your solutions mostly seem like crap, and are terrible ideas that aren't really addressing your issue...

1. not going out...avoiding the problem is not the same as fixing it...maybe your social skills need work and you are using your looks as a crutch not to improve your "game"

2. fine, playing sports and being active is good...chicks like a guy with a life

3. avoid pretty friends...wtf? you aren't gonna hang out with certain friends cuz they are better looking than you? you is a douche...how about asking them for advice on how to get chicks? i bet its more than just their looks

4. fine, having a life is important, should not be entirely centered around banging randoms...

5. fine spend money where you deem it necessary, see #4...

you honestly just seem like you are using the looks thing as an excuse not to improve yourself in an area you find challenging...you seem just like tons of low self esteem guys that want to learn the skill of picking up girls and are just scared/nervous whatever...

[daveT]

Some of the prettiest girls I have ever seen are with the ugliest dudes I have ever seen.

I doubt you are alone on this forum. I look much better now than I did when I was younger. While I would like to say that I look better with age, that is not the full story:

Problems: Serious Acne, Glasses, slouch, poor threads, bad hair.

Acne can't be erased, so that did leave eventually.

The Glasses I replaced with contacts. I will buy glasses, but I won't listen to the suggestions. Just give me black-rounds and I am fine thank you very much.

The slouch. You would not believe how much posture helps. Every day, when you wake up, stand against a wall, kneel with your back against the wall, and stand up again. The added posture helps your presence, and no matter how ugly you are, presence goes a long way. Also posture helps you look more confident.

Poor threads, self-explanatory.

Bad Hair, keep it short, and stop paying less than $30 on a hair-cut. Believe it or not, there is a huge difference between a 10 and 40 dollar hair cut. Let the professional do what he or she does best, and don't make any suggestions. Seriously. And yes, an ugly dude with short hair looks worse, IMO, because you are trying to detract from your ugly face, you know?

Practice smiling. It really hurts at first, but a smiling person is probably looking for a good time, but keep the smiling for when you talking to people. Smiling alone looks creepy.

Finally: Stop being so picky. Many good-looking girls are very insecure, and not worth the dead fish they tend to be. A good personality goes a long way from both sides of the tracks. I am not saying I don't go for what's attractive to me, I am saying that my idea of attractiveness has greatly expanded over the years.

[govman6767]

I'm fat and ugly but I got balla bucks and chicks dig balla bucks.


OK EDIT... I'm fat and ugly and not balla rich so I'm much worse off than you.

[EnigmaCanada]

[ QUOTE ]
your solutions mostly seem like crap, and are terrible ideas that aren't really addressing your issue...

1. not going out...avoiding the problem is not the same as fixing it...maybe your social skills need work and you are using your looks as a crutch not to improve your "game"

2. fine, playing sports and being active is good...chicks like a guy with a life

3. avoid pretty friends...wtf? you aren't gonna hang out with certain friends cuz they are better looking than you? you is a douche...how about asking them for advice on how to get chicks? i bet its more than just their looks

4. fine, having a life is important, should not be entirely centered around banging randoms...

5. fine spend money where you deem it necessary, see #4...

you honestly just seem like you are using the looks thing as an excuse not to improve yourself in an area you find challenging...you seem just like tons of low self esteem guys that want to learn the skill of picking up girls and are just scared/nervous whatever...

[/ QUOTE ]

Hey man. Thanks for addressing my post. Regarding some of your comments:

-You could be right about me using my looks as an excuse for failure or quitting. I have suffered from low self esteem my whole life. It sucks man. Something thats just been part of who I am. I know that a guy can use more than looks to win women over. I've just decided that I have to focus on those other areas (career, personality, money) and rely on looks less. Its like a football team with a weak passing game (looks) that decides to focus on other areas to win the game such as a strong running game, defense, special teams, physical and psychological preparation (money, career, personality, hobbies).

-As far as hanging out with pretty boys, the reason I say I'd hang out with guys like that less, is mainly when my buddy brags about chicks throwing themselves at him. He's married and would never cheat, but he just likes to go out and have women throw themselves at him. It is just a reminder of how far behind I am in the looks department. He doesn't realize that when he tells these stories, that I absolutely can't relate to a hot chick throwing sex at him minutes after meeting him. This guy gets girls by being pretty. He doesn't even really try to hit them up. He mostly just stands there. I know he's not that charming. We talk game, but his advice isn't anything special. He's never been that strategic/analytical.

By being around more average looking guys, I can relate to them better, and not feel like I've been dealt such a bad hand by life. By going out with guys who draw way more attention from you, you don't get much. Even the leftovers will see me as too big of a drop off to settle for me, once they've seen my pretty boy buddy.

-I'm doing what I can to improve my situation. The problem comes from not knowing what the right move to make is. I read books on self confidence, charm, PUA stuff. I've thought about taking the lessons, but not sure if they are scams, as I've been approached by a guy who teaches, and I clearly caught him in a lie as he tried to get me to come out. Its hard to commit alot of money when you don't know if you can trust those guys.

I'm reaching out to people for input and insight to get different POVs. Thats the best move I can make for now. Life can get tough man, and there's no clear instruction manual on how to handle things.

Thanks for reading man.

[DrewDevil]

I didn't write this:

[ QUOTE ]
I think it
is your own thinking and behaviour about your looks which is the key. Now
not everything will work on everyone and perhaps suggestibility is the
doorway here, but I think it goes beyond that. To give an example, a woman
I know here told me a story about a guy she dated for a year or two who she
described as scrawny, bald, short, nothing to look at but who was the
sexiest guy she ever met. He was always, continuously spouting off at the
mouth in the most sexual, provocative, lusty way and her and all her friends
were totally turned on by him. They were on the one hand embarrassed
because he was constantly talking this way but it excited the hell out of
them. I think the example you give about (if I remember correctly) Voltaire
who said something like "Give me ten minutes to talk away my ugly face and I
will bed the Queen of France!" is more accurate. I think that we have all
had the experience of meeting someone that perhaps we had an initial
negative reaction to (often you hear stories about men and women who meet,
hate each other and end up lovers) but that as we got to know them we liked
them. And I think all women to varying degrees respond to what they sense
and feel is inside a person, not only their looks.

[/ QUOTE ]

[Blarg]

Interesting and kinda brave idea for a thread. You have some interesting emphases. I'll throw in that a lot of this gets better as you get older. You just have to struggle to keep the faith a bit harder than others, if you don't have their advantages.

Women, just like men, often get less shallow after they get a bit of life experience going, especially if they've been lucky enough to have any bumps in the road. That takes away some portion of the emphasis on looks. The simple passage of time, more than learning or growing, also raises the emphasis dramatically on things like money, for some, so men who are financially successful get even greater sway. As women age, even the wilder ones start to think about settling down, and some practically get in a panic about it. Someone with the financial stability, and a bit of emotional stability, starts to shine a lot and be heavily competed for. Hopefully you've developed some depth to your personality and other good qualities too(or else what have you been living for?), so even a pretty unattractive guy can do very well as he ages.

Another thing going for you is if you keep in shape. As men age, like women, they tend to fall apart and a lot of the reason for it is laziness and self-indulgence. If you keep hitting the gym at 20, you will stand out a little; at 30, a lot, and at 40 and up, you will be pretty godly, because your peers by and large are doing nothing of the sort. You stand out by default. If you're a stable guy doing fairly well for himself and in good shape, the 30's through 40's will find you easily able to attract plenty of women, even if there are plenty of prettier guys out there. The thing is you just have to not collapse and give in to being bitter or becoming unathletic or a slob. It gets easier to do that every year, but it speaks better for you every year that you don't. You can hit a lot of pretty sweet spots in life even if you're not all that great looking or all that young anymore.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
Practice smiling. It really hurts at first, but a smiling person is probably looking for a good time, but keep the smiling for when you talking to people. Smiling alone looks creepy.


[/ QUOTE ]

This was hilarious. I say take any reason to be happy you can get, and don't worry too much about what people think. I'd hate to be caught stifling a grin because I was afraid people thought I was a weirdo or something. Doing that would prove them right.

[ QUOTE ]
Finally: Stop being so picky. Many good-looking girls are very insecure, and not worth the dead fish they tend to be. A good personality goes a long way from both sides of the tracks. I am not saying I don't go for what's attractive to me, I am saying that my idea of attractiveness has greatly expanded over the years.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is true too. You can kill yourself with high standards or weird quirks of selectivity that don't do you any favors, but really just show you fetishize looks or even especially narrow types of looks. I've known lots of guys like that.

And personality can matter a lot. A lot of people say it doesn't really count, but for relationships worth keeping, it does.

[EnigmaCanada]

[ QUOTE ]
Interesting and kinda brave idea for a thread. You have some interesting emphases. I'll throw in that a lot of this gets better as you get older. You just have to struggle to keep the faith a bit harder than others, if you don't have their advantages.

Women, just like men, often get less shallow after they get a bit of life experience going, especially if they've been lucky enough to have any bumps in the road. That takes away some portion of the emphasis on looks. It also raises the emphasis dramatically on things like money, for some, so men who are financially successful get even greater sway. As women age, even the wilder ones start to think about settling down, and some practically get in a panic about it. Someone with the financial stability, and a bit of emotional stability, starts to shine a lot and be heavily competed for. Hopefully you've developed some depth to your personality and other good qualities too(or else what have you been living for?), so even a pretty unattractive guy can do very well as he ages.

Another thing going for you is if you keep in shape. As men age, like women, they tend to fall apart and a lot of the reason for it is laziness and self-indulgence. If you keep hitting the gym at 20, you will stand out a little; at 30, a lot, and at 40 and up, you will be pretty godly, because your peers by and large are doing nothing of the sort. You stand out by default. If you're a stable guy doing fairly well for himself and in good shape, the 30's through 40's will find you easily able to attract plenty of women, even if there are plenty of prettier guys out there. The thing is you just have to not collapse and give in to being bitter or becoming unathletic or a slob. It gets easier to do that every year, but it speaks better for you every year that you don't. You can hit a lot of pretty sweet spots in life even if you're not all that great looking or all that young anymore.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thanks for the reply man. Spoken like a man with experience whos seen how things turn out.

I can totally see that women will emphasize looks less as they get older. They don't have those teenage values where they are looking for a 'boy band type pretty boy' as much. They start to emphasize other male qualities.

Do you have any advice on meeting women in your 30s. I find that clubs focus too much on looks and image. Clubs have been the only place I really look. I've tried co-ed sports teams, but those are really like a once a year gamble. If you don't get a good team, you gotta wait another year to try.

[esad]

You are unattractive because you believe you are unattractive.

- Buy nice clothes
- Learn good personal hygiene
- Learn how to converse normally with people
- Start to believe you are attractive

This is from someone that spent his youth believing he was unattractive. Once I started doing the little things and I started to believe in myself things changed.

Although I agree with you not hanging out and around pretty boys. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable around them, but you should concentrate on meeting women by yourself in every day settings instead of always in social areas.

You should be able to meet women in everyday walks of life, it's not hard if you pay attention. You can meet women everywhere. Just pay attention and talk to people.