Marrying a Girl From a Different Culture

[katyseagull]

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Currently, Eastern European women are just much more simple and practical while most American women seem to be brainwashed by Oprah and think they are entitled to everything. Of course the key is once you get them over to the states you have to keep them away from American women so they don't get brainwashed.



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I've never met any Eastern European women but this is something I've read quite a bit lately - that American women act "entitled" and sort of bratty. Do all you guys feel this way about American girls? Do you think we act entitled?

I remember KKF saying that Asian women were a lot better at nurturing their husbands and were not very demanding, and they were better at taking care of their appearance. I wonder if this is true or just his fantasy of Asian women.

[Blarg]

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Currently, Eastern European women are just much more simple and practical while most American women seem to be brainwashed by Oprah and think they are entitled to everything. Of course the key is once you get them over to the states you have to keep them away from American women so they don't get brainwashed.



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I've never met any Eastern European women but this is something I've read quite a bit lately - that American women act "entitled" and sort of bratty. Do all you guys feel this way about American girls? Do you think we act entitled?

I remember KKF saying that Asian women were a lot better at nurturing their husbands and were not very demanding, and they were better at taking care of their appearance. I wonder if this is true or just his fantasy of Asian women.

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Well, he's been living among them for a couple years now, over in Thailand. My Vietnamese brother says the same thing. So did the Chinese and Japanese friends I've had.

When I've met their girlfriends, it's for the most part seemed pretty true, as when I met their families. Very traditional that way, extremely courteous to guests and solicitous, even if they are quite familiar guests. Very often insisting you eat something, and I mean like a full meal lotsa times, at any time of the day or night you come in. Have some hot tea, some sliced fruit, whatever. Very old country kind of thing. A lot of times American courtesy can be more on the level of "We gotta sink, go cup your hand if you're thirsty." Even when it's not, it's rarely anywhere near as solicitous. I mean these ladies will really knock themselves out. And then, quite often, they'll disappear.

[katyseagull]

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Well, he's been living among them for a couple years now, over in Thailand. My Vietnamese brother says the same thing. So did the Chinese and Japanese friends I've had.

When I've met their girlfriends, it's for the most part seemed pretty true, as when I met their families. Very traditional that way, extremely courteous to guests and solicitous, even if they are quite familiar guests. Very often insisting you eat something, and I mean like a full meal lotsa times, at any time of the day or night you come in. Have some hot tea, some sliced fruit, whatever. Very old country kind of thing. A lot of times American courtesy can be more on the level of "We gotta sink, go cup your hand if you're thirsty." Even when it's not, it's rarely anywhere near as solicitous. I mean these ladies will really knock themselves out. And then, quite often, they'll disappear.

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I'm not doubting that they are solicitous with guests. I've met some Asian women who are extremely courteous. The Korean girl who my friend is married to is really sweet and courteous. According to him, however, she puts on a different face to the public. At night, when it's just the two of them, she's spoiled and demanding (according to him) and also unwilling to compromise. But I realize it's just one Korean woman, though it sounds like Glorfindel was backing up my friend's observation of the Korean tantrums. I guess what I'm wondering is whether or not Asian wives are really that much more understanding and solicitous of their husbands than western wives.

I recall my mom telling me years ago that Japanese women made wonderful wives and mothers. This was her observation having grown up near some Japanese families.

[Blarg]

From the "hell no, I'd never marry one" or even have one as a long-term girlfriend response of Asian guys toward having white girlfriends, I'd guess that, despite exceptions, Asian ladies, at least when paired with Asian men, are really good to their husbands and boyfriends. It's borne out with almost all of the guys I see, and I've spent lots of time around Asians(by which I mean, Koreans, Japanese, Chinese, and Vietnamese, in my case).

I think a big part of what your friend experiences, too, is because he's white. There's a Japanese saying that goes, "A man away from his country has no neighbors." It goes a long way toward explaining the sadistic rampaging of the Japanese in many places they conquered during WW2. They can act out on the repression they feel from the expectations of a very heirarchical society and tightly socially controlled society, and there's no one to catch them at it or stop them.

The wife you're talking about, I'd bet, would very likely have completely different standards for her behavior if she was with another Korean guy, who would echo the culture and expectations she's used to. With someone from outside the culture, all rules might be off.

This can mess up white guys who want Asian wives, too, from what I hear. Put the Asian ladies in America, with an American, or both, and you're playing a totally different game.

[xxThe_Lebowskixx]

everytime i am around a western chick, in a subway, restaurant, waiting line, etc i hear some variation of this:

"Like yeah, I dont really know where our relationship stands. Like, sometimes, its just like, we really get eachother, but then its like, no, like we dont. So what did he tell you?

Omg, did he really say that? yeah, thats like its exactly what i mean"

my general perception of them is that they all think they are the star in a lame romance movie with harrison ford. they seem to derive way too much of their pleasure from the pyschological aspects of human interaction, ie "the way a guy makes them feel". for instance, all of that PUA personality stuff would be useless in Asia. If you are poor and ugly, girls arent interested and arent going to be easily pyschologically manipulated like western girls because they do not have the same type of ego as western girls.

Asian girls are quieter and more exotic. They have more attractive (imho) and softer features then western girls, although if you are a breast man you are out of luck. they are infinitely more graceful.

[olliejen]

I'm ABC (american-born chinese) and my wife is Korean (moved here when she was 1 or 2) we've been married for 7 years.

Marriage is a huge adjustment in and of itself. But, you do have to compensate for some differences in culture. Some are really nice, and some are less-so.

Main adjustments/points of interest to me:
1. Koreans are really family-oriented. When we moved into our house, it was basically a given that her parents had a key and use it (e.g. when they come over, about once or twice a week, they use the key and not the doorbell) That was really weird/hard for me. I'm still learning to be comfortable with it. Korean families are WAY close too. My mother-in-law calls my wife every day (mostly to chat and for translation-help) and my brother-in-law is a colossal momma's boy (tho I would say probably like 95% of the Korean guys I know are as well)

2. From my observation, Koreans generally are very fond of brand-named baubles. Guys love brand named cars, watches, golf clubs, etc... Girls love brand named cars, purses, shoes, clothes, etc. For instance, my wife would easily prefer 1 Louis Vuitton purse to having, say, 3 different less-expensive bags that end up costing as much. I don't see much value in a lot of that stuff, but on the flip side of the coin, my wife sees eating something simple at home as serving the same purpose as eating out at a nice restaurant. Or, she can't see much relative value in say, a big plasma tv versus a tube tv that costs 1/10th as much. I think though, most couples must have differences in their personal utility for various things...

3. I think one thing that was odd for me also was that Koreans come from a really homogenous society and really identify themselves in the context of part-of-Korea versus as individuals. For instance, when the Va. Tech stuff happened, the Koreans around here were all very like, "Oh no! Oh no! He was Korean! People will hate Koreans now!" versus, "He was a lunatic; just happened to be Korean..."

Ex. A Korean district congressman started off a session by apologizing on behalf of all Koreans for that kid.

Ex. Koreans ranked Apollo Ohno the least welcome person to Korea (like 2 spots above Osama bin Laden) after the 2002 Winter Games because of the controversial finish with 2 Korean speed skaters.

They're all very quirky/interesting things to adjust to. But, marriage is all about giving and taking and it's all stuff I'm happy to make room in my life for.

edit: Oh, also; a lot of the time I hear Koreans speaking in Korean, it sounds really like, aggressive and forceful and on the cusp of being angry/pissed off. But, its not. That's just the way its inflected, I think. I always ask my wife, "why are you yelling so much with your mom?" and she's like, "huh? was i? i don't think so..."

[Blarg]

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3. I think one thing that was odd for me also was that Koreans come from a really homogenous society and really identify themselves in the context of part-of-Korea versus as individuals. For instance, when the Va. Tech stuff happened, the Koreans around here were all very like, "Oh no! Oh no! He was Korean! People will hate Koreans now!" versus, "He was a lunatic; just happened to be Korean..."


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If it was a Chinese guy, would they whisper, "Yeah, that's just like Chinese guys! They're all crazy! Maybe your husband too!" [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] Cuz I know plenty old-country types think exactly like that, not just Asians either.

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edit: Oh, also; a lot of the time I hear Koreans speaking in Korean, it sounds really like, aggressive and forceful and on the cusp of being angry/pissed off. But, its not. That's just the way its inflected, I think. I always ask my wife, "why are you yelling so much with your mom?" and she's like, "huh? was i? i don't think so..."

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Japanese is pretty famous and made fun of in America for the same thing. See: John Belushi's samurai skits in SNL.

I do suspect it's more than just the language as an isolated thing, though, in the same way French people being so snotty about people speaking French poorly is something I've seen explained very well by a Frenchman once. The French have such incredible pressure put on them to respect their language and speak it well in school and their own lives that when visitors are way far off and don't even seem like they're trying sometimes, the French can't relate to having so little respect for something they themselves have been under so much pressure to perfect. It probably seems pretty outrageous and even contemptuous to them.

Japanese society is so extremely hierarchical, monolithic, and conformist that maybe something similar goes on in their society that is reflected in the gruffness and forcefulness of the way they sometimes speak. Maybe everybody is under such constant pressure to control themselves and direct their actions with such fine care that when they see other people skip the niceties, take advantage, or somehow get out of line, the contrast seems much more like a slap in the face. And maybe some of that willingness to be gruff and short with each other because of even little things seeming way out of line works its way into natural speaking habits, just like it could become a natural habit of thinking and feeling.

Maybe that's why they say a Japanese guy makes a fantastic subordinate, but a horrible boss. When they're on top in a social situation, they can ride you incredibly hard pretty much without regard to how it affects you. FWIW, I have known Korean guys exactly like this. Couldn't possibly be more oblivious if they're over someone, but incredibly solicitous if the relationship is not yet clear or they are not in charge.

Anyway, just some random speculations from a white guy.