New to OOT. Have custody of my nephews. LONG - Page 3

NT! · #21 11-06-2007, 03:24 PM

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Diddy - Yes I do believe that she uses us as a safety blanket. I didn't know and I don't think she is aware of what NT is saying about the Timeframe. I honestly don't know if that would help her though. Right now she seems really stuck in a rut and nothing seems to help her.

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The timeframe for termination of parental rights (TPR) comes from the Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA), passed by Congress in 1997. It's not guaranteed that they will file right away, but in my experience, New York State tends to be pretty prompt in terms of filing a TPR when ASFA requires it.

It's normal for your sister to have relapses, struggle, and take a long time. Most of the studies of successful drug recovery say that it's non-linear and highly unpredictable. All this 'she has to hit absolute rock bottom before she gets the picture' stuff is mostly pop psychology BS. Addicts do 'use' loved ones all the time in their destructive behavior, but they also need those relationships to get clean. The whole idea of turning your back on them until they get better is kinda Puritanical and, in the long run, ineffective. There's always somebody with an anecdote to the contrary, but turning your back ends up hurting a lot more people than it helps.

EddieMoney22 · #22 11-06-2007, 03:51 PM

Oh I will never turn my back on her. As a matter of fact I am the only one really in my family that still deals with her. We talk all the time. She really does want the boys back. I don't really understand addiction as Im not addicted to anything never have been. But It obviously happens.

I do find it funny that NYS is prompt filing a TPR but they are so slow with almost everything else [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

NT! · #23 11-06-2007, 03:54 PM

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I do find it funny that NYS is prompt filing a TPR but they are so slow with almost everything else

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break the feds' rules = lose the feds' $$$

also imo the system is designed in a way that is very hostile to families and this is a big part of it.

adsman · #24 11-06-2007, 04:18 PM

I have nothing to add except that there has been some awesome advice in this thread. OOT comes though once again, and OP, I really hope you work it out. You sound like a stand up guy.

iambusto · #25 11-06-2007, 04:32 PM

if all else fails, dump the kids, keep the wife.
however, pray that mom gets the custody. if that happens, happy ending to the story

microbet · #26 11-06-2007, 04:35 PM

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You sound like a nice guy who cares about his family even though they may be a bunch of [censored] ups so I will give you some serious advice. Tell your wife to stop being so selfish, sometimes there are things in this world that are out of her control. This is one of those times. You have a responsibility to these children at this point and putting them back into foster care would be wrong and possibly/probably detrimental to their well being. I am actually surprised anyone could be married to a woman who is so selfish that she wants to put these children back into foster care. I also think children need to be slapped on occasion if they misbehave so they know there are consequences. What you should do is get your belt out and use it on the 17 years, the 12 year and your wife when necessary so everyone knows who the man in the house is. All problems solved.

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You are having him beat everyone except the person who caused all the trouble.

I'd tell the wife to give it a year. The older boy can't stay after he's 18 (unless you both want him to and he wants to). Hopefully the 12 yo will get it together over the year. Hopefully your sister will get it together.

Accommodate your wife as best you can. Let her know that you don't expect her to be their Mom. Get a maid if you have to. Give your wife a few vacations alone if you have to.

That's as close as I can come to good advice here. I don't really think anyone who doesn't know a lot more about the people involved can have a very good idea what you should do.

Crappy situation. Best of luck.

MissT74 · #27 11-06-2007, 04:41 PM

I think it depends on your relationship with the nephews. Were you there for them as they were growing up? Were you close to them from birth to now? I have 7 nephews. There are 2 of them that I would NOT risk my marriage over. I wasn't there when they were growing up, only dealt with them in the family for a few years and they are basically OK, but more towards the bad side so I would not choose them over my husband.

However, the other nephews I have been there from birth, been close to them and would take them over putting them in foster care in a heartbeat. If the husband doesn't agree then he has to go....it's blood relations, how can you put them in foster care where they can end up worse then what they are now because "noone cared".

Tough situation for you. I would only do it (keep the nephews) if I really loved and cared for them and was willing to lose the spouse over them.

T

Toro · #28 11-06-2007, 04:43 PM

I've read all the replies. While I'm sensitive to the other point of view, there's no way this is fair to your wife.

I love my nephews but there is no way that I would take them in unless my wife was totally onboard with it.

EddieMoney22 · #29 11-06-2007, 04:59 PM

adsman - Thanks

microbets - I do try to accomadate my wife the best I can. We both work M-F 8 - 5. I pick the boys up from football practice, and now it will be wrestling. I get them up for school. I cook dinner at least 4 times a week. Don't get me wrong Im not trying to look like uncle of the year here im just trying to keep everyone happy. I really am not forcing her to be a mom but a aunt to the boys and a little understanding of what the situation was when they came to us. The year before they went to 5 different schools in one year. But a good Idea on the vacation.

Iambusto - I do pray she gets them back. she is coming up for her next review in 2 weeks I will be dring 6 hrs to be there with her.

MissT - Im very close with all my family which is another issue, I send these boys to foster everyone is pissed at me (usually when I say that everyone says they should be pissed at your sister and believe me they are)

Toro- I also agree that it's unfair. But she did offer to take the boys in. However it was suppose to be temporary.

Hope I am answering or responding to all. Sorry If I miss some

gumpzilla · #30 11-06-2007, 05:00 PM

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I've read all the replies. While I'm sensitive to the other point of view, there's no way this is fair to your wife.

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There is no solution that is fair to all parties. Obviously she has some reason to feel aggrieved, but I'd like to think that in this situation I would be tolerant.