part of an old screenplay i wrote

[troymclur]

You need to re-tool your dialogue. It sounds like somebody trying to write how people talk, rather than sounding like how people talk. Also, you need to approach each scene asking the question "what is the purpose of this scene". You need to figure out why you have the scene in there, how you want it to advance the story, and how the audience and characters are supposed to change from its begging to its end.

The natural tendency is to put in a bunch of scenes that really aren't integral to character or plot development, this can bog down a movie and force the audience to ask where you're goign with it and why it's there.


Nice to know that there are some people who have experience proofing these things. I might have to seek ya'lls critique sometime.

[private joker]

[ QUOTE ]

So what are you working on now, Joker?

[/ QUOTE ]

Shortly after my "Ask Joker" thread about being a casting director for reality TV, my company (a major prod. company in West Hollywood with big network credits) moved me over into development, where I write new shows.

[Gildwulf]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I stopped reading after this:

[ QUOTE ]

JOHN
Well maybe if you stopped blowing all
your money on handjobs from the chef at
Fazoli's, money wouldn't be such a
problem.

BRIAN
Yeah, well I guess I'll have to go back
to getting the free ones from your mom.

JOHN
Well at least that way you are only
blowing one of your wads.

[/ QUOTE ]

This sounds like "you kinda had to be there" dialogue...if my friend said this to me I would say something like "WHOAAAAAAH" and then highfive, but on paper and out of context it's just an awkward and uncomfortably unfunny dialogue.

[/ QUOTE ]

i disagree this is very funny. person with gimmick account, who are you?

[/ QUOTE ]

Yea, the your mom joke IS pretty clever...


Seriously, say this dialogue out loud and tell me if you don't hear a cymbal crash after 'wad'. I don't pretend to be an amazing writer, but I know funny and this isn't funny.

Edit:

the following dialogue is the same thing, it just feels forced and awkward:



[ QUOTE ]
BRIAN
Okay. And umm, do you have any picks?

JOHN, standing next to BRIAN, notices a large display of
picks on the counter. JOHN makes a face to the store employee
as if to say 'sorry, my friend is retarded'.

STORE EMPLOYEE
I believe there may be some right there.

The STORE EMPLOYEE does an exaggerated point towards the
display.

STORE EMPLOYEE (CONT'D)
We would not be much of a music store
without picks, now would we?


[/ QUOTE ]

It's like that OOT post a few weeks ago when an OOTIOT went into a EB Games and asked the clerk if he could buy the game and the clerk responded, 'I don't know, CAN you?'.

He probably thinks that is the funniest thing EVER and told all his 15-year old friends how badly he owned some moran. Looking in from the outside though, we can see that this is just not funny at all.

[Dominic]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

So what are you working on now, Joker?

[/ QUOTE ]

Shortly after my "Ask Joker" thread about being a casting director for reality TV, my company (a major prod. company in West Hollywood with big network credits) moved me over into development, where I write new shows.

[/ QUOTE ]

cool deal...next time you're in Vegas we should grab a drink.

[nolanfan34]

Joker, would you say on a whole that the bad ones were bad because of the struture, the dialogue, or both? I'd imagine both for most of them, but I just wonder how many you came across that had good dialogue, but bad plot structure, or vice versa.

Back in the day, after I left my career as a TV news reporter, I wrote a screenplay based on some of my experiences. Mostly to get them down on paper before I forgot.

I found dialogue writing to be extremely difficult, so I commend the OP for posting what he did, because I'd probably be embarassed to go back and read the dialogue I wrote, at this point.

After I wrote it, I sent it along to a few friends down in LA who work in various parts of the biz. They were generally surprised on how well I had structured the plot, hitting the plot points at the right time, the 3 acts and all that. I also took that to mean that the dialogue probably sucked. [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

[theBruiser500]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
private joker why would you read bad screen plays? first of all, why would you read random screen plays sent to you, and then second when you saw it was bad after a few pages why wouldnt you just dump it? please excuse the poor questions from an ignorant child.

[/ QUOTE ]

1. He was getting paid by a company to review submitted scripts, and hopefully find the next Good Will hunting.
2. He's incredibly nice. most script readers look for reasons to dump a script.

[/ QUOTE ]

whatever, then my question is why the company reviews all the random crap that comes its way. i thought in fact they didn't because it was a waste of time

[neuroman]

The mother of all tl;dr.

I read a couple pages. Two noticeable problems:
1) excess verbiage
2) grammatical/spelling errors.

The script seems to have some good ideas, but they need better execution.

[Dominic]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
private joker why would you read bad screen plays? first of all, why would you read random screen plays sent to you, and then second when you saw it was bad after a few pages why wouldnt you just dump it? please excuse the poor questions from an ignorant child.

[/ QUOTE ]

1. He was getting paid by a company to review submitted scripts, and hopefully find the next Good Will hunting.
2. He's incredibly nice. most script readers look for reasons to dump a script.

[/ QUOTE ]

whatever, then my question is why the company reviews all the random crap that comes its way. i thought in fact they didn't because it was a waste of time

[/ QUOTE ]

they rarely read unsolicited material, but anything that comes via an agency, a referral, etc. they read - and the readers will have to write what's called "coverage" on it...that will include asynopsis, character analysis and a rating of how well the writer succeeded in various tasks...plus a recommendation. That's why they have to read the whole thing...