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part of an old screenplay i wrote
This is a sizable chunk of an old screenplay i wrote a few years ago.
I am a semi-regular poster here posting as a gimmick so there is no bias from people that typically like or dislike me, and because i prefer to be distanced from my work. Anyhow, I am a fan of oot's sense of humor in general, so I thought I would post it if anyone cared to read. There are some random working notes interspersed, mostly towards the end, just disregard them, as this was the only copy I had on hand on this computer. Thoughts? (other than tl;dr). ------ <font class="small">Code:</font><hr /><pre> EXT. MCGUIRE'S GUITAR STORE - DAY The sky is overcast and it is evident that a large storm has just passed. A silver Ford Probe pulls into a parking space in front of the music store. The windows are down and indie rock music is playing loudly. Both doors open simultaneously as two young college men step out, BRIAN and JOHN. Brian is wearing a Velvet Underground shirt, khaki shorts, and birkenstocks. John is wearing a Beastie Boys shirt, jeans, and flip flops. JOHN (laughing) ...and that my friend is why I would choose death. (beat) Anyway, what are we for again? BRIAN I told you, I have to get a tuner and some picks. I probably should have just ordered everything when I got the guitar. Oh well. They open the door and enter the local music store. As the door shuts a tall, heavyset man walks down the road in the background. INT. MCGUIRE'S GUITAR STORE -DAY The store is full of guys browsing, playing, and talking to the workers. Everyone is over 30 and the two young men look out of place. The workers do not pay any attention to them and go about their conversation. BRIAN begins to wander around the store trying to find a tuner. JOHN walks over to the wall and starts to look at a mandolin as the OLD MAN next to him notices. OLD MAN Do you play? JOHN What? OLD MAN I ask if you play the mandolin boy. JOHN (with a slight false country accent) Oh, no sir. You see I play the dulcimer. OLD MAN Well, now that sure is interesting. JOHN Yes, I sure do love it. It was handed down to me by my granddaddy. You see he was one of the finest dulcimer players in all of.... BRIAN walks over and interrupts. BRIAN Hey, I couldn't find it. Let's just go ask the guy working and get out of here. JOHN (still with the country accent) I reckon that is a grand idea friend. (to the old man) Well it was nice talking to you sir. He waves goodbye to the OLD MAN. BRIAN Why are you doing that gay thing with your voice? JOHN (still with country accent) I reckon I was a-[censored] with that old man. I tells him I play the dulcimer and how my granddaddy played it before me. Brian's cell phone rings once. He reaches into his pocket and silences the ringer. BRIAN Gotcha. Anyway, this thing had better be cheap. I only have twenty bucks on me. JOHN Well maybe if you stopped blowing all your money on handjobs from the chef at Fazoli's, money wouldn't be such a problem. BRIAN Yeah, well I guess I'll have to go back to getting the free ones from your mom. JOHN Well at least that way you are only blowing one of your wads. BRIAN Hey nice work on simultaneously being gay and lame. BRIAN and JOHN approach the counter. Brian has to strain to get the attention of the STORE EMPLOYEE. BRIAN (CONT'D) Excuse me, can you help me out? The STORE EMPLOYEE is dressed in black, has a ponytail, and a beard. He has a very smarmy demeanor and does not want to deal with BRIAN. STORE EMPLOYEE Well that's what I am here for. What do need big guy? BRIAN I'm looking for a guitar tuner for my new acoustic. STORE EMPLOYEE And can you be more specific please? We have a lot to choose from here. BRIAN Well I'm hoping to find one for under twenty dollars. Do you have one like that? STORE EMPLOYEE Well then I have exactly what you need. He reaches down and grabs a box. STORE EMPLOYEE (CONT'D) Here we go. This is fifteen bucks, comes with a battery, and works like a charm. Need anything else? BRIAN So this will tune acoustics? STORE EMPLOYEE Sure will. Acoustics, electrics, bass, dulcimer; you name it, it will tune it. BRIAN Okay. And umm, do you have any picks? JOHN, standing next to BRIAN, notices a large display of picks on the counter. JOHN makes a face to the store employee as if to say 'sorry, my friend is retarded'. STORE EMPLOYEE I believe there may be some right there. The STORE EMPLOYEE does an exaggerated point towards the display. STORE EMPLOYEE (CONT'D) We would not be much of a music store without picks, now would we? JOHN Yeah, sorry he is mildly retarded. STORE EMPLOYEE It seems so. How many and what type do you need? BRIAN What? Oh, I will take 5...of the medium kind. STORE EMPLOYEE That will be $17.88. The register clinks. BRIAN and JOHN exit the store. EXT MCGUIRE'S GUITAR STORE - DAY BRIAN Holy hell that guy was a total jerkoff. That smarmy [censored]. JOHN (laughing) You are just pissed off that you looked like a [censored] asking for picks. (beat) What does that even mean, smarmy? BRIAN It means like, effusively unctious. JOHN And that means...? BRIAN (pauses) It just means he is a [censored] jerkface. (beat) So what do you want to do? JOHN I don't know. Doesn't matter to me. Brian and John open the doors to Brian's car and get in. The doors and panels have small dents in it. INT BRIAN'S CAR - DAY Brian starts the car as John looks at the guitar tuner packaging. The interior of the car is littered with bottles and various garbage. A bobble-head koala is mounted on the dashboard and two leis hang from the rearview mirror. The car backs out of the parking space and pulls out onto the road. BRIAN Grab the 'Marcus eats dogfood' mix. JOHN Red CD, right? BRIAN Yeah, it should be on the left. John looks down between the two seats where forty or so CDs are vertically held in place on each side of the emergency brake. He grabs the left half and quickly removes a red CD. On it is a cartoon of a stick-man using a spoon to eat from a can of dog food. Underneath the drawing "Marcus eats dogfood" is written in permanent marker. He hands it to Brian. JOHN Here you go. Brian places the CD into a portable walkman that is connected to the tape deck and powered by a cigarette lighter attachment. Brian removes his black cell phone from his pocket and checks the missed call. BRIAN That was Adam who called. Give him a call back. As Brian presses play and begins to search through songs, John gives Adam a call from his shiny silver cell phone. BRIAN (CONT'D) You realize that phone makes you look like eurotrash, right? JOHN (starting to say something to Brian) What does... (into the phone) Hey Adam what's up? (beat) Not much really. (beat) Sure, right now? (beat) (to Brian) Want to go the mall? BRIAN Sure why not. JOHN (into the phone) That's cool. We will swing by and pick you up. Later. The car continues down the road. Occasionally large muddy puddles of water lie on the side of the road. BRIAN So are you pretty much ready for finals? JOHN Not really. More so than you I'm sure. BRIAN If you got an automatic A in each course for peeing in your pants during the final, would you do it? JOHN Do I have to do it for each class I want an A in? BRIAN Yeah, for each time you pee in your pants, you get an A for that course. JOHN And everyone would see me? BRIAN (nodding his head) Of course. JOHN Probably not because I will end up with decent grades anyway. Well maybe for calc 2, but that is only because there aren't any cute girls in there. Would you piss your pants for an A? BRIAN Hell yes I would. But see, I would beat the system. I would pee right before I walked into the class room. Then, I would force myself to pee as soon as the exam started. By the time it is over, my little pee spot will have dried up. Easy A and no embarressment. JOHN Wait a minute, you can't do that. BRIAN Why can't I? JOHN (frustrated) Because it is cheating. It's like...if you wore a diaper to the final and just pissed in it. It doesn't count. No A. BRIAN (astonished) Diaper huh? Damn why didn't I think of that? That is genius. John grabs the CD walkman and begins to change the song as he notices a man walking down the side of the road. John notices he is right next to a large puddle of water. JOHN (excited, hurriedly) Swerve in puddle! Swerve in puddle! Quick swerve puddle. Do it! Brian jerks the wheel to the right just as the car passes the man walking down the road. It goes directly through a large pool of water, splashing a large amount of mud and water all over the man. The pool of water turns out to be laying in a deep pothole that the wheel crashed down into. Brian and John scream as they realize what has happened. As it impacts, the entire car jumps and shakes as the right front tire blows sending the car of the road about 20 yards in front of the puddle. This causes the CD walkman to fall to the floorboard which changes the song as it hits. John Lennon's "Instant Karma" begins to play. Brian and John sit in silence for a few moments. BRIAN (subdued) [censored]. JOHN I'm pretty sure it blew out the tire. Do you have a spare? Before Brian has a chance to answer a hand reaches into the window and opens the door from the inside. The large man reaches in with both hands, grabs Brian by the shirt and pulls him out of the car and onto the ground. BRIAN (yelling) Oh [censored]! Brian stands up. BRIAN (CONT'D) I am sorry sir. I apologize I am sorry. It was an accident. I'm so sorry. LARGE MAN [censored] punk kid! The large man, now covered in water and mud, runs at Brian and punches him in the stomach, dropping him to the ground. John, remaining in the car, leans over to the driver side and rolls both of the windows up and locks the doors as Brian is being kicked in the background. The music drowns out Brian's cries for help. FADE TO BLACK. OPENING CREDITS EXT - CAMPUS DORMS - DAY FADE IN: Two large dormitory towers rise about 20 stories above the ground. Each is surrounded by four low-rise dorms. The sky is gradually clearing up from the rain earlier in the afternoon. A small number of college students congregate in the small common area between the buildings as Brian and John walk towards one of the smaller buildings. Brian is limping slightly and clutching at his stomach. His lip and eye are slightly swollen and clothing dishevelled. INT - DORM LOBBY - DAY A man sits behind the lobby desk playing a video-game on his computer. Gothic techno music is playing on a portable stereo on the counter. He has dark orange dyed hair and a goatee. He wears a black silk shirt with green dragons up the sides and has on a pair of dark black sunglasses. He is Earl. EARL (To Brian) What the [censored] happened to you? BRIAN (pissed) Nothing EARL Aww, did your girlfriend kick your ass for having such a little dick? BRIAN No (Beat) And I am not dating that skank anymore anyway. JOHN (smiling) A hobo beat him up. EARL (laughing) How did you manage to get into a fight with a hobo?! Did you like touch..... BRIAN (cutting him off) He wasn't a hobo. Just this big guy walking down... JOHN (cutting Brian off) It wasn't really a fight either. That implies Brian did more than scream. EARL So a hobo beat your ass huh? Brian shakes his head and begins to walk towards the stairwell. BRIAN Anyway, we are here to get Smith. Later Earl. That music is trash by the way. Brian exits the lobby through the stairwell door. John walks towards the desk and looks at the computer screen. JOHN What are you playing? EARL (excited) The new Aurora-Force Warlocks and Witches expansion pack. It has this all new mantra magic system and extra elemental.... JOHN (disinterested) Ehh. John walks off and exits the Lobby as Earl continues to speak and look at the computer screen. INT - STAIRWELL - DAY Brian slowly walks up the last few steps to the second floor as John quickly jumps to steps at a time to catch up. BRIAN Hey should we give Frazier a call and see if he wants to go? Brian and John exit the stairwell and begin to walk down the hall to Adam's dorm room. JOHN No, he is back in Bourbon County for a horse show I think. As they turn the corner they see Adam Smith sitting on the hall floor, propped against the wall reading an agricultural textbook. Adam is wearing cargo shorts and a hampsterdance.com t-shirt. He stands six feet tall and has a muscular build. His short buzzed hair shows a receding hairline. He looks up and smiles when he sees Brian and John approach. ADAM About damn time. (noticing Brian's bruises) What happened to you? BRIAN (before John can begin to talk) Why are you sitting out in the hall? Is Joe in there changing or something? ADAM No he went to the gym I think. (quickly) You all ready? Let's go. I have a lot of studying to get to tonight. Adam stands up. JOHN Yeah. So why were you sitting out in the hallway? ADAM (passively) There was a wasp. BRIAN What, a wasp? In your room? ADAM Yeah... BRIAN Well why didn't you just kill it? ADAM I don't know. It kept buzzing around me...I didn't want to get stung. JOHN Understandable. They begin to walk towards the steps, Adam with book in hand. BRIAN So are you going to put that in your room or just carry it around all day? ADAM I'll just leave it at the front desk with Earl. INT DAY - DORM LOBBY - DAY Earl still sits at the computer on the desk. He is no longer playing a videogame, and a plate of food is on the table. ADAM Earl, mind if I leave this book here with you? Earl lets out of a huff of frustration and quickly turns away from his computer screen EARL (aggrevated) Must you interrupt me? I am in the middle of a virtual picnic with my e-girlfriend at the moment. Brian and John look at each other. EARL (CONT'D) Anyway, (beat) Why don't you just put it in your room? BRIAN (chiming in) Huge wasp in there. EARL (as if understanding the important of the situation) Oh, okay. (beat) Just set it on the counter. Adam sets the book on the counter. EARL (CONT'D) It's the Carrion Faeries by the way. ADAM What? EARL (to Brian) The group I am listening to. It isn't [censored] trash. BRIAN Later Earl. EXT - DORM COMPLEX - DAY Brian, John, and Adam are walking towards the car. JOHN (to Adam) So what do you need to get? ADAM A new pair of shoes and a movie. BRIAN What movie? ADAM (hesitantly) I don't really know. Brian slides his key into the driver side door as John and Adam walk over to the passenger side. Upon getting to the other side, Adam sees that the front right tire is now replaced with a tiny, tiny donut spare wheel. ADAM (CONT'D) (laughing) What happened to the wheel? BRIAN The tire popped. That is a spare. Adam leans over and looks at it closer and gives it a kick. ADAM (still laughing) But it looks so stupid. Brian gets in the car, starts the car, and rolls the windows down. John and Adam are seen through the window, both with their right fist resting in the open left palm. JOHN Two out of three. (beat) Go. They are playing paper-rock-scissor. Adam throws rock; John throws paper. The second hand they both throw scissors. The next hand Adam throws rock again and John again beats him with paper. John raises his arms triumphantly. JOHN (CONT'D) (to Adam) To the back with you!. Adam climbs into the tiny, cramped, garbage riddled back seat. ADAM (muttering) Stupid [censored] rock. John gets into the passenger seat, shuts the door, and reclines the seat back, crushing Adam even more. JOHN (laughing, to Brian) He throws it every time. EXT - FAYETTE MALL - DAY The mall. It resembles every other fairly nice mall across America. A bum sits propped up by the entrance. He has a cardboard sign which reads: "God Bless America"; and a small cup for change. As Brian, John, and Adam walk by, Adam puts some change into the man's cup. The bum nods his head in appreciation as the guys enter into the mall food court. INT - MALL - FOOD COURT - DAY The three begin to walk through the mall. Brian is constantly looking around at women. BRIAN (to Adam) Did you just give that bum money? ADAM Yeah, like a quarter. Why? BRIAN But all he was doing was sitting there. JOHN Well, he IS a bum. BRIAN Yeah, but personally I think that bums should have to work a bit harder to earn their money. ADAM Well, he had a sign. JOHN Not to totally agree with Brian, but that sign was pretty lame. (beat) I mean, relying on patriotism is just a bit too obvious to make me hand over my change. He could have at least attempted some bum humor and had the sign say something like "Screw Food, I Need Beer!". It was just a total lack of motivation and effort on his part. BRIAN I agree. Than again, if he were motivated person he probably wouldn't be a bum in the first place. JOHN And yet you want him to perform in order to get your change? BRIAN Exactly. ADAM Geez, shut up about the damn hobo already. I only gave him a quarter. BRIAN Well in that case can I have a quarter? Me and John are heading to the arcade. Just meet us in the food court when you are done. JOHN Adam, not a hobo. That guy was a bum. Hobos migrate. That's the difference. Adam shakes his head and heads down a walkway as Brian and John head in the other direction. The customer service desk is being staffed by two fairly attractive young women. JOHN (CONT'D) Check it out, hot customer service chick. BRIAN No, the girl in the blue is 'customer service chicks older sister.' Hot customer server chick looks just like her, but more petite and a bit cuter. JOHN But they aren't really sisters, right? BRIAN Yeah, I'm just saying they look alike. (beat) And that other girl is 'mini-backpack purse girl.' JOHN Who? BRIAN Remember, like a year ago at that party off Sherrard Circle...She was one of the only two cute girls there. She had that heavy blue makeup on her eyelids and was always talking to the slutty blonde that was in the pink top. She was wearing one of those tiny backpack purses. JOHN The blonde [censored]? BRIAN No, mini-backpack purse chick. Anyway, that was her. JOHN Your ability to remember crap like that about girls you see for maybe, like five seconds, is uncanny. (thinking for a second) I love it when a girl with blonde hair is wearing pink. It is a perfect combination...so hot. Brian notices a woman walking in the opposite direction. BRIAN (motioning with his head towards the woman) Like her? John looks and sees a woman with bleach blonde hair and a baby pink top. She looks to be around 60 years old. JOHN Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Wassup stinky boo? They continue to walk for a few seconds when Brian notices a group of three 16 year old girls sitting at a bench. Something catches his eye as he stops and turns. BRIAN Oh my dear Lord. JOHN What? (seeing the girls) They are like 8 years old you pedophile. BRIAN The poster jackass. Hanging up. John looks past the girls and sees THE POSTER. It is hanging from the show window in the Victoria's Secret store. The woman on the poster is model Adriana Lima. She has dark skin, dark brown hair, and shining blue eyes. All that she is wearing is a purple sheer set of bra and panties and a gold chain around her neck. JOHN Holy sweet God damn. (beat) That is incredible. Brian and John walk up in front of the window and stare up at the poster. It is eleven feet tall and five feet wide. BRIAN This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. JOHN I would honestly punch you in the face right now to make out with that woman. BRIAN And I would let you. (beat) You do realize that we are going to have to steal this right? JOHN Yes. Yes we do. Soon. They continue to stand in front of the poster, both staring up at it. JOHN (CONT'D) It's the gold chain. That's what does it for me. Perfect. BRIAN No no. It's the look in her eyes. Like she is about to have her way with me. (beat) We had better get to the arcade before we start creeping people out. They begin to walk away, both looking back with eyes locked on the poster. INT - MALL - OUTSIDE ARCADE Brian and John enter the arcade. INT - MALL - INSIDE ARCADE The arcade is relatively dark inside. As Brian and John get change from the machine, patrons are seen playing various games. Two fat kids, whose t-shirts are soaked through with sweat, jump in sequence as they play Dance Dance Revolution 3 while another chubby kid watches. A seventy year old man is skillyfully throwing skee-ball. Brian and John approach the two-man shooting game Time Crisis II and drop their quarters in. JOHN I swear that old guy is always here playing skee-ball. He is like a pro or something. Just watch him The old man swings the ball back, approaches the ramp, and gracefully releases. The ball drops into the tiny 1000-point hole and the old man pumps his fist. The machine dispenses more tickets to the already enormous pile laying on the ground. Brian presses start and the two begin to shoot at the screen. BRIAN My theory is that he is retired, has nothing to do with his time, and loves those giant pixie sticks I bet he gets with all those tickets. (beat) Anyway, about that poster. We need to get it, seriously. It would look so badass in the apartment. JOHN Yeah it would. Just a matter of planning it out and taking it. We need more people to help obviously. BRIAN I'm thinking the two of us and three or four others would be... Brian gets shot in the videogame. BRIAN (CONT'D) (pissed) Damn it could you give me a little help once in a while? I'm doing like eighty percent of the work here. (beat) I'm pretty sure Frazier will be up for it. Jake too. Then Marcus and Adam would make six. JOHN Yeah we can talk Marcus and Adam into anything. Make you pay attention to everything when we walk back by so we can map it out later. BRIAN Will do. Brian gets shot again and slams the gun down into the holster. BRIAN (CONT'D) (pissed again) You just got my ass killed! John starts laughing as Brian turns and looks over at the skee-ball machines. The old man throws two balls simultaneously, one with each hand, up the ramp and into the thousand point holes. He pumps his fist and turns and makes eye contact with Brian. He points at him with his hand shaped like a gun and winks as he "fires". Brian stares back blankly and gives him the thumbs up. INT - MALL - FOOD COURT - DAY Adam sits alone at table drinking a milkshake. He is no longer wearing sandals and is instead wearing unique looking blue tennis shoes. Brian and John approach and notice the shoes. JOHN I see you got some new shoes. What are they? ADAM "No Boundaries". Fourteen bucks at Tim's Discount Shoery" You all like em? Brian and John almost begin to make fun of them, but realize that they are pretty nice. BRIAN Nice, I like them. JOHN Fourteen bucks huh? (beat) Did you get your movie? ADAM No. Do you all mind going to Walmart? DVD's are cheaper there. BRIAN That's fine I need more ping pong balls anyway. Have you seen the huge poster at Victoria Secret? ADAM Yeah, hot girl in the purple. Why? BRIAN We are going to steal it. Will you help us out? ADAM (looking around, quietly) What? Like right now? JOHN Not right now. We will plan it out later. ADAM Yeah I guess. Only if I'm not too involved though. BRIAN You won't be. Brian stands up. BRIAN (CONT'D) Well let's go. I have important things to do today. John and Adam get up to leave and as the three exit, they pass the old man from the arcade sitting down. He has a large number of giant pixie sticks in one hand and is dumping one in his mouth with the other hand. He is also wearing a number of black plastic spider rings. EXT - WALMART - PARKING LOT -DAY Brian's car pulls into a parking space in the enormous packed lot. They get out of the car, Adam again getting out of the tiny back seat, and begin to walk towards the store. They pass three fourteen to sixteen year old skateboarders smoking and sitting around a cart drop-off. One of the skateboard punks notices Brian's shirt as they walk by. SKATEBOARD PUNK (to Brian) Hey man, hate to break it to you but Weezer sucks my ass. Brian is caught off guard as the punks all start laughing. BRIAN (still walking) Yeah well too bad that... (awkwardly) you suck. The skateboard punks, along with Adam and John, laugh again at the lameness of the comeback. ADAM You just got punked out by those kids! BRIAN (pissed) I didn't get punked out! I can't stand little jerk faces like that. JOHN Don't be pissed that they are just cooler than you. BRIAN They aren't [censored] cooler than me. JOHN Well they are at least wittier. (beat) You should have called him out for his 'dirty teenage mustache'. The vocal punk lightly strokes the dirty mustache he has spent the past fifteen years of his life growing. BRIAN They caught me off guard. Brian, John, and Adam go into the entrance on the right side of the store. By the other entrance on the on left end of the store, a bum lays asleep. He sits up, reaches into a potato sack and pulls out a coffee can full of change and an old style boom-box. He sets the can down in front of himself and presses play. The song "Best Looking Boys" by the Promise Ring begins to play. The bum begins to dance wildly as a small crowd instantly gathers. They begin to clap along and throw change and dollar bills into the can. The skateboard punks can be seen walking toward him in the background. They quickly run by and swoop up the can full of money and take off running. The bum immediately stops dancing and runs after them out of frame. The stereo continues to play and moments later of the skaters run into frame and kick the hell out of the stereo. CUT TO: INT - WALMART - DAY Brian, John and Adam walking through the store. JOHN What movie are you getting? ADAM The Postman. JOHN (high pitched) Whaaaaaaaaaat? BRIAN Why do you buy such bad movies? I think you have a raging hard-on for Kevin Costner. ADAM (seriously) It is a scavenger movie. I'm a scavenger. I like scavenger movies. Brian and John laugh. BRIAN Well I am going to see if they have any three-stars while you go scavenge up your Costner movie. Brian and John walk off to the sporting goods as Adam heads to electronics. INT - WALMART - SPORTING GOODS - DAY Brian is looking at the ping-pong equipment and sees only 1 star (low quality) balls. BRIAN (muttering) Pieces of crap. JOHN (O.S.) Check it out! Brian turns and sees John smiling and holding up a package containing a silver pistol. BRIAN Badass! INT - WALMART - ELECTRONICS - DAY Adam stands with the Postman in hand looking at the other movies as Brian and John walk up. ADAM You all ready? (noticing the guns) What are those? JOHN Tampons. (beat) What the hell do they look like? ADAM Well are they real? BRIAN In a sense, yes. They shoot plastic bullets. 20 bucks ADAM That's cool, but I prefer the real thing. Adam motions to his waistline and presses on his T-shirt to reveal the outline a pistol. BRIAN We appreciate your protection Mr. Heston. They approach the checkout lanes where an old woman in heavy makeup is working. Brian grabs a pack of Mambas from the candy stand as she checks John out. Brian places the gun and Mambas on the counter. OLD CASHIER WOMAN (sternly) I.D. Brian doesn't realize what she is asking for. OLD CASHIER WOMAN (CONT'D) I.D. please. You have to be at least sixteen to purchase this. Brian removes his wallet and shows his license to the woman and begins to put it back in his pocket. OLD CASHIER WOMAN (CONT'D) Take it out of your wallet sir. Brian removes his wallet and takes the license out and hands it to the woman. She looks at it, looks at Brian, then looks back at it. She holds it out with extended arms and Brian begins to reach for it. She pulls it back from his hands, holds it up to the light, flips it over, looks again, and finally hands it back. Brian snatches it out of her hand and hands her his credit card. JOHN I thought you didn't have any money? BRIAN I don't. Putting it on my Mom's card; tell her its groceries or something. Brian is handed his bag as Adam sets his movie down. OLD CASHIER WOMAN Oh I love scavenger movies! ADAM Me too! (motioning to Brian and John) They made fun of me. The woman looks over and gives them a dirty look. EXT - WALMART - DAY The three are walking out to the car. BRIAN I can't believe that old [censored] I.D.'d me like that. ADAM I thought she was nice. BRIAN You think that only because she has a crush on Kevin Costner too. JOHN Wouldn't the mere fact that you have a license entail that you are at least sixteen? BRIAN I know! JOHN What a cashier nazi. ADAM Maybe she thought it was fake. BRIAN Yeah I had forgotten about all of the young kids using fake I.D.'s to buy cheap plastic guns. ADAM It's possible. They continue to walk for a moment. BRIAN Let's go throw frisbee. JOHN Can't, have to study. ADAM Same here. BRIAN That is a cop out. Come on. JOHN It's not a cop out. Some people actually care about their classes; I'm going to study. ADAM Not everyone can just guess on their exams and still manage to get a B. BRIAN (to Adam) Come on. You will just end up watching The Postman. (to John) And you will end up playing videogames and napping all day. (beat) I will give Jake a call. INT - DILAPIDATED HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY A rotary phone, ringing, rests on the counter next to the refridgerater. An electrical guitar is being played in the other room. A dry erase board on the refridgerator reads: 'Jake - We need last months electrical and cable NOW - $43.86' A man walks into the kitchen. He looks to be about 18 years old trying to appear 28, sporting a beard and glasses. He answers the phone. BEARDED GUY Hold on. He walks out of the kitchen and down a hallway where a quilt is hanging in front of the entrance to the next room. He moves the quilt aside to enter the living room. He walks in to find a young guy butt ass naked, save for the guitar slung low over his genitals. The naked guy does not notice his appearance and continues wailing on the guitar. The living room is full of musical equipment: amps, guitars, a drum set. It's walls are covered in various quilts and blankets in an attempt to soundproof the room. BEARDED GUY (CONT'D) (yelling) JAKE! Jake, still playing, doesn't notice. BEARDED GUY (CONT'D) (yelling louder) JAKE! Jake looks up while continuing to play. The bearded guy mouths "phone" while holding his hand to his head. Jake nods in understanding and stops playing. The bearded guy begins to exit through the quilt, stops, and pops his head back in. BEARDED GUY (CONT'D) And could you put some [censored] clothes on? EXT - LIBRARY - LATE - DAY The expansive library rests against a now clear blue sky. A large number of students are walking about the area. INT - LIBRARY - TOP FLOOR - DAY A large number of students study at rows of large wooden tables. Ambient classical music plays. We follow behind an attractive young woman as she walks by a number of the tables. At the end of the row of tables to walks by a window and looks out of it. In an open field out the window, four small figures are seen running around. EXT - OPEN FIELD NEXT TO LIBRARY - DAY Brian, John, Adam, and Jake are throwing frisbee. A brief montage show them running, throwing, and making a number of impressive catches: diving, between the legs, behind the back. At the end of the montage everyone is standing around out of breath. JAKE That was badass. JOHN Too wet, could't run well. BRIAN Blah. We suck ass now. Too much frolfing lately has thrown everyone off. JAKE What are you all doing tonight? We should frolf before it gets dark. JOHN Sorry can't. Going to study now. ADAM Same here. JAKE [censored] thats right, your finals are coming up. (to Brian) Want to pong? BRIAN Yeah, I have my stuff in my car right by the Seaton Center. (to John) I'll be up there later after I shower and crap. Fifth floor tables? JOHN Always. Holla. INT - SPORTS & REC CENTER - RACQUETBALL ROOM - DAY Brian and Jake are in a wooden-floored racquetball room where a ping pong table lies in the middle. They are both sweating, rallying the ball back and forth like pros. On a catwalk overhead, an Asian man and woman watch them play. Jake rips a winner off the back of the table and raises his arms in the air. JAKE (yelling) [censored] RIGHT! BRIAN DAMMIT. (picking the ball up) Ten All. Your serve. They continue to play. JAKE So are you just not even worrying about studying for finals? BRIAN Not much one can do at this point. I mean I will study a bit, but I am pretty much locked into whatever I am going to get in everything. JAKE So after this semester you will be totally off of your scholarship? Your mom is going to be pissed. BRIAN No way, that has been totally lost for a while now. Was on probation last fall, and you know how that went. She will be pretty pissed though when the grades come in. I am just ready for the summer to start. JAKE Yeah. I can't wait until next fall starts back up though. It sucks being away from everything and work has been killing me. The money is nice but I regret taking the semester off. BRIAN Are you going to keep working there over the summer? JAKE No, teaching tennis again. Easy money and it is pretty fun. Are you working this summer? (beat) Game point by the way. BRIAN Probably not. Hopefully my parents will still cover rent and I will just live off the rest of my savings and take it easy all summer. (beat) Bring it chimpo.<b |
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Re: part of an old screenplay i wrote
<font class="small">Code:</font><hr /><pre>
Brian serves the ball and the ball is quickly rallied back and forth. Jake forehands a near-winner as Brian barely manages to pop it up for the return. Jake yells as he slams the ball down for the victory. The two Asian people on the catwalk begin to clap and cheer. Brian yells, takes the ball and throws it at them, and they flee away. ////////still need to right ending scene here to this secquence////// INT - BRIAN AND JOHN'S CONDO - DUSK The inside of Brian and John's condo is open and spacious with vaulted ceilings. The entire place is filthy. In the kitchen plates covered in food pile up on the kool-aid stained counter. The living room is made up of a couch, love seat, a coffee table, a TV desk upon rests a 27" TV, an old stereo, floor lamps, and two racks of DVDs. Perched atop the TV are a squirrel and monkey. "Come on-a My House" by Rosemary Clooney is playing on the stereo as the door to Brian's bathroom opens and he steps out. Still somewhat wet from his shower, wearing just a towel across his waist, he pauses. It is as if he is listening to some signal from his body. After a brief second, a dejected look comes over his face. BRIAN (muttering) Dammit. He steps back into the bathroom and closes the door. /////smoother transition needs to be written///// EXT - LIBRARY PARKING LOT - NIGHT Brian's car pulls into a space. He steps out, looks into the back for his backpack, not able to find out. CUT TO: INT - BRIAN AND JOHN'S CONDO - NIGHT A navy backpack rests on an ironing board in the living room. BRIAN (V.O) [censored] CUT BACK TO: EXT - LIBRARY PARKING LOT - BRIAN'S CAR - NIGHT After being upset for a mere second, Brian remembers something, and reaches for the glove compartment. It is opened to reveal the pack of Mambas purchased earlier in the day. BRIAN (happily, to himself) Mambas. INT - LIBRARY - 5TH FLOOR - NIGHT John sits at a large wooden table with two other young guys. One is thin, italian, and sports musketeer-esque facial hair. The other is built like a brick [censored]-house, solid muscle and short cropped hair. They are MARCUS FOLCHI and CHAD REED respecively. JOHN (to Marcus) I think that it would be a lot easier to find a Thevenin equivelant than trying to deal with that mesh analysis [censored]. Brian walks towards them, glancing about for women, and sits at the table. BRIAN What's up my nuckas? JOHN (glancing up at the clock) You played ping pong for four hours? BRIAN No, just like two. Then I went home, watched Blind Date, showered, and now I'm here. JOHN Who won? BRIAN Blind Date isn't a contest. JOHN As in pong jackass. BRIAN [censored] Jake. JOHN Ahh, that sucks. BRIAN Yeah, but I am still winning series wise by like 20 sets or something. (beat) Do you want to know what really sucks though? (beat) Just like right before I showered I checked my body for any signal that I needed to crap. Nothing at all. So I shower, and the SECOND I am drying off all of a sudden I have this sudden epiphany that I have to take a huge crap. It is the worst. John, Marcus, and Chad all get a kick out of this. JOHN That just makes you feel dirty all day. CHAD I usually just get back in the shower if I have time. No skanky ass for me. BRIAN Well I would have, but I had to get here. CHAD But you don't even have any books. You just have candy. MARCUS (to Brian) Can I have a Mamba? Brian throws a Mamba to marcus. BRIAN Yeah, but I am here to plan out this heist we are going to pull. CHAD Yeah John told us about it. That will be pretty funny if you all actually go through with it. BRIAN So are you in? CHAD No way. He starts to pack his stuff up to leave. CHAD (CONT'D) I have to get out of here. You are a time burgaler. Chad gets up and leaves. BRIAN Later. (beat) Marcus, in? MARCUS Can I have another mamba? Brian slides him another mamba. MARCUS (CONT'D) Yeah I guess. Do you have a plan? BRIAN Not yet, (to John) have you come up with anything yet? John slides a piece of paper over to Brian. On it, John has drawn two stick-men carrying a huge poster with a stick-woman on it; a stick-man in a wheelchair is behind them. BRIAN (CONT'D) This, this is excellent work here, really. I think out planning is complete. And in the wheelchair, FDR I assume? JOHN The man himself. Brian grabs the pen and begins to draw. BRIAN Let me know if there is anything I leave off or get wrong. JOHN Let me have a mamba. Brian throws him a lemon one as he continus to draw. JOHN (CONT'D) Don't give me a [censored] lemon one. Lemon is the worst candy flavor ever. Granted, some people may enjoy it, but no one actually prefers lemon over orange, cherry, grape, and strawberry. BRIAN What about Lemonheads? MARCUS I like lemon-drops. JOHN (irritated) That isn't the same at all. I am talking about a pack of multi-fruit flavored candies. On whole, lemon is always the worst. Period. See, now Runts got it right. No lemon at all; they saved the yellow color for banana, and made lime the sour flavored minority of the group. Willy Wonka knows his [censored]. BRIAN Take a [censored] strawberry one then if it will stop your bitching. John grabs a strawberry Mamba. BRIAN (CONT'D) Here check this out. Brian slides the piece of paper back to John upon which he has drawn a rudimentary overview of the mall area. BRIAN (CONT'D) I think this pretty much covers it. Four possible exits. Two main maill exits and two big store exits through JC Penny and Sears. John looks over the map. JOHN So we are assuming we already have this thing down and in our possession without a hitch. BRIAN Yeah, then we can just work backwards. JOHN Well if we just parade through the mall and go out one of the main exits, then chances are a lot more people, including the mall security, will see us. BRIAN Yes, but in trying to exit through the stores, there is a chance that their actual store security, loss protection, and employees may stop us. JOHN Still, I think that is the way to go. Whichever store can be exited in the least amount of time is the one. BRIAN Well, sears would be the closer exit, but I think JC Penny is the better call. The workers there are most likely women or [censored]. Less chance of some tool salesman trying to be Johnny Hero. JOHN Okay, so how do we get it? BRIAN It is just like that one guy says, the best way to do something is most often the simplest. We just take it off the hooks like it is our business and walk off. Only, we have some distractions helping us out as well. A guy walks up behind them. MARCUS It's Occam. Brian turns to see BRIAN WALTERS. BRIAN (to Marcus) That's Walters jackass. Brian WALTERS is tall and relatively muscular; built like a soccer player. He has long bleached hair and looks like he would be more at home on the beach than in the middle of Ohio. MARCUS (quietly) I meant the one guy you were... BRIAN (turning back to Walters) What's up man? WALTERS What's up Powell, Cooper? He nods his head to say hello to Marcus. JOHN Not [censored], studying a bit earlier. Now we are planning out to steal this giant poster from Victoria Secret in the mall. WALTERS [censored] right. I know the ones you are talking about. He leans over and looks at the map where the possible escape route has bee drawn. WALTERS (CONT'D) You are exiting through Pennies? (beat) Bad call, let me see that pen. Walters takes the pen and draws an exit tunnel a few shops down from Victoria Secret. WALTERS (CONT'D) Just use this. It's an emergency exit, but there isn't like any alarm on it or something. It is just a long tunnel that exits out to this small lot. That's the way to go. BRIAN How do you know about that? WALTERS From where I worked at that coffee place. I used it a couple of times. CUT TO: INT - MALL - COFFEE BEANERY - DAY Walters is behind the counter wearing a cheesy apron and hat that proudly display the Coffee Beanery logo. He stares vacantly off into the distance. a BLONDE YUPPIE MOM approaches the counter and snaps him out of his daze. BLONDE YUPPIE MOM Excuse me. WALTERS Why hello. How many I help you? BLONDE YUPPIE MOM I would just like a large vanilla mocha blast with extra cream WALTERS Just one minute please. Walters turns his back to her and saunters over to the machines and prepares the drink. With his back to her, he leans over and appears to have taken a drink of it. The woman watches suspiciously. He returns to the counter, a tiny bit of froth clinging to his upper lip. WALTERS (CONT'D) That will be two dollars and... BLONDE YUPPIE MOM (cutting him off sharpyl) Excuse me did you just take a drink of that? Walters pauses for a few seconds staring at her. He runs his tongue across his upper lip. WALTERS (calmly) I believe I did BLONDE YUPPIE MOM (obviously pissed) This is absolutely ridiculous. She storms off. WALTERS (unaffected, to himself) [censored]. He then looks down at the drink, slightly shrugs his shoulders, and picks it back up to take a drink. CUT BACK TO: INT - LIBRARY - 5TH FLOOR - NIGHT WALTERS Yeah I didn't work there too long. (beat) Anyways, there's a bowl with my name on it back at the house. Give me a call sometime this weekend if there's anything going on. Later on. Walters walks off as Brian and John look back over the map. BRIAN Well that pretty much settles the escape route. JOHN Yeah, that's badass. But we should go check everything out to make sure it will work. BRIAN Well let's stake it out tomorrow, check the escape route, and find out just exactly how we are going to take it. JOHN I can't go during the afternoon; review session tomorrow from like 1 to 4. BRIAN Gay. Marcus? MARCUS Working in the computer lab until 8. BRIAN [censored] it. I'll give Frazier a call. Brian takes out his cell phone and presses the voice dial. BRIAN (CONT'D) (into the phone) Fraz. INT - FRAZIER'S ROOM - NIGHT A cell phone rests amidst a sea of empty beer cans on a glass coffee table - Natural Light. It begins to vibrate as Composer's "Ride of the Valkyries" blares out of the ringer. It belongs to a weary-eyed and quite drunk MATT FRAZIER. He is a dark, wavy-haired athletic twenty year old. He allows the phone to play a few more bars, enjoying the classical music before answering. FRAZIER (on the phone) What's up? (beat) Supposed to be in at 7. (beat) He glances at the table of beer cans. It's not looking like it. (beat) Sure come by around noon I guess. (beat) Later. Setting the phone down he looks up to a slightly chunky asian girl waiting for his attention. She is clad in lacy panties and a 'Hello Kitty' t-shirt and holds a can of Nattie Light out to him. CHUNKY ASIAN GIRL (struggling with her English) Here it is for you. Who is this? Frazier cracks open the beer and gazes at her longingly, drunkenly. FRAZIER Come to me little one. EXT - ESTABLISHING - FRAZIER'S HOUSE - DAY Brian walks up an external wooden staircase to the upper level of a dilapidated house. INT - FRAZIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Brian knock once and opens the door, almost knocking into the chunky asian girl as she tries to exit. CHUNKY ASIAN GIRL (giggling) I sorry. She turns to Frazier as she walks out the door. CHUNKY ASIAN GIRL (CONT'D) Goodbye Jeff. Frazier, sitting on the couch in his E.T. boxers, gives her a half wave as she leaves the house. Brian and Frazier look at each other for a moment, which is interrupted quite awkwardly. FRAZIER So what's up? BRIAN What was that all about? FRAZIER What? Ling Ling? BRIAN Yes Ling Ling. (beat) Her name is Ling Ling? FRAZIER I don't know, possibly. BRIAN That's the name of one of those giant pandas. FRAZIER Oh yeah...? Oh well. BRIAN And why did she call you Jeff? FRAZIER I don't know why, but sometimes when I am trashed I tell people my name is Jeff. Really no clue as to why. BRIAN So did you ball her Jeff? Frazier kind of smiles and nods his head, a bit ashamed, and rightly so. BRIAN (CONT'D) You realize that as far as standards go, you have none. Right? FRAZIER I can't really argue that can I? Brian begins to saunter about the living room. BRIAN Put some pants on and let's go. Brian steps into Frazier's bedroom, notices something on the bed, and begins to look around for something with which to pick it up. FRAZIER (O.S.) Where are we going again? BRIAN Laying the escape route for the VS heist. Frazier casually sniffs his armpit, and then his fingers. He recoils from his own crapulence. FRAZIER What the hell is that? BRIAN (O.S.) I'll explain on the way. (beat) Your panda bear left you a gift by the way. Brian walks back into the living room with a coat hanger in his hand. Dangling from the end is a large pair panties with little cartoon kittens all over them FRAZIER (laughing whilst disgusted) My God. Those are to be burnt immediately. BRIAN (in an asian female falsetto) Oooh Frazier...err Jeff. Me love you soooo much. You marry me? Get Ling Ling green card? I love you long time Jeff. Hello Kitty? Hello Kitty? Meow. CUT TO: EXT - ESTABLISHING - MALL PARKING LOT- DAY Cars parked in row upon row. A black Chevy Blazer drives up to a stop sign, pauses, and then dies. INT - FRAZIER'S CAR - DAY Brian is glancing through a stack of CD's. Some of which are his. Frazier tries the ignition, but the engine will not turn over. BRIAN What's the deal? FRAZIER Giver he a second. BRIAN This i the exact type of [censored] that cannot happen during the heist. FRAZIER Don't knock the getaway vehicle unless you are wanting to get your own. As he finishes saying this the car starts. FRAZIER (CONT'D) A [censored] top. They begin to circle around the parking lot, driving towards the area of the emergency exit they plan as the escape. FRAZIER (CONT'D) So when is all of this going down anyway? BRIAN Sometime next week. Sometime late at night, right before close. So no Sunday; close too early. FRAZIER Well how about Monday? First day of the week. Catch them off guard. BRIAN Sunday. Sunday is the first day of the week. FRAZIER Well, we members of the working portion of the population generally consider Monday the first day. I'm sure this all sounds foreign to you. BRIAN Monday is out as well. All the people who get off late Sunday but can't go shopping will be there late Monday night. I say Tuesday will be the most dead. FRAZIER Sounds logical enough for me. Will this affect your finals any? Brian shoots him the look as if to say "what the [censored]?". FRAZIER (CONT'D) (beat) Of course not. The car pulls into a small half-enclosed area where the double door emergency exit lies. BRIAN This is it. FRAZIER So I just wait here until I see the two of you bust through the doors, poster in hand and piss-stains in pants? BRIAN Sounds about right. Brian looks around and notices the mall parking security jeep cruising by in the distance. BRIAN (CONT'D) (signaling) And there is all you have to worry about. FRAZIER Just watch him huh? BRIAN I will call you when we are in position, then you call me back whenever it looks clear our here, and then it starts. FRAZIER Badass. So does everyone know what to do? BRIAN Yeah, pretty much. We'll meet for lunch Monday night or something and go over it all. (beat) Oh [censored] I got a riddle for you. FRAZIER It's not another [censored] number one is it? BRIAN No it is pretty simple. FRAZIER Let's hear it. BRIAN Just to let you know, John got it the other day in a couple minutes. FRAZIER Don't [censored] put pressure on me, just tell it. BRIAN Okay. Let's say you have like an empty wine bottle. And you take a coin and put it inside the bottle; then you put the cork in it. (beat) How can you get the coin out without taking the cork out. Or destroying the bottle? Frazier thinks for a second. FRAZIER I can't take the cork out? BRIAN No. FRAZIER And I can't break the bottle? BRIAN No. FRAZIER (guessing) Just turn the bottle upside down and shake the [censored] out of it until the coin knocks the cork out. BRIAN That is taking the cork out. FRAZIER Then I give up. How? BRIAN I'm not telling your lazy ass. Figure it out. FRAZIER Don't be gay. Tell me. Brian shakes his head no. FRAZIER (CONT'D) [censored] it. I don't care about bottles or wine or pointless riddles. (beat) Are we done hear? BRIAN I would say so. FRAZIER What are you getting into tonight? BRIAN Not [censored] most likely. May study for my Monday final. FRAZIER HA! Drinky time it sounds like. // [censored] come up with something really clever here. consult the notebook for the idea. involves question and answer being days apart, yet making since both together there, and each making sense in context to their time. As Frazier finishes this question, we swing behind Brian's head for his perspective of the montage of how his weekend was spent. Everything happens in very, very fast motion. With every beat however, the speed slows down for just a second to half speed to allow the moment to register, before ramping the speed back up until the next moment. BRIAN'S WEEKEND MONTAGE -rian and Frazier driving down the road. -Brian in a gas station purchasing beer. (Nattie Light, cans of course.) -Sitting on a couch drinking. -Ordering pizza, pizza arrive, eating said pizza. -Continued drinking, random people coming and going. -Heading out to the bars, getting drunk, getting in a cab, passing out on own bed. -The night passes. -Wakes up, eats a box of fudge rounds while watching TV. -Calls phone, Jake shows up, they play videogames, then tennis. -Eating food with Adam. -Ping pong until late at night. -Heads home, sleeps again. -Wakes again. Eats donuts at 3 pm. Spaces out. Meets John and Marcus for dinner. Throws frisbee with them. Heads back into the library and plays paper football with John. -Heads home, shaves, begins to watch 'Bottle Rocket', fals asleep. -Wakes up on couch, checks the time. Rushes off to campus. -Walks into the exam late. Picks it up. Finishes before any else in the class, turns it in. Struts out. -Calls Frazier. Picks him up. Heads to Fazoli's. As Brian and Frazier talk, we slow back down to normal speed and pick up where we last left off. INT - FAZOLI'S ITALIAN RESTAURANT - DAY //again, more clever pickup. BRIAN So not too much really. FRAZIER How was the exam? BRIAN Multiple choice. Was out in fifteen minutes. FRAZIER Raped it? BRIAN Vice-versa. FRAZIER Is it even possible at this point to be any bigger of a disappointment to your parents? Brian ponders this for a second. BRIAN If I got Ling Ling knocked up... (beat) And even then, at least I am DOING something with my life. FRAZIER Yeah... (beat) So can you superheat the bottle so the coin melts through the bottom? BRIAN Neg. FRAZIER This is [censored]. John walks over with Jake and after filling their drinks at the fountain machine. JOHN What's [censored]? FRAZIER Nothing. BRIAN He is pissed because his [censored] cannot figure out the coin in bottle riddle. JAKE The one where you just--- BRIAN ---Shut the [censored] up. Don't tell him. FRAZIER Is the answer that there is no answer? BRIAN That would make it the worst riddle of all time. FRAZIER I wouldn't be surprised. Adam walks over and joins the four at the table. ADAM Whats up Jake, Frazier, (to Brian and John) [censored]. EVERYONE What's up. JOHN Where's Marcus? ADAM Oh yeah. When I got there his roommate said he was sick and at the hospital. Food poisoning. CUT TO: INT - HOSPITAL - MARCUS'S ROOM - DAY Marcus lays in the bed of a two-person room. He looks confused and anxious, as is par for the course. The sliding curtain dividing the room is briskly swished aside by a hand from the other side. The gnarled hand belongs to an old decrepit man. Oxygen hoses dangle from his nostrils. OLD DECREPIT MAN Give me your canteloupe. MARCUS Huh? I umm--- OLD DECREPIT MAN Give it to me now! Before that bitch of a nurse returns. MARCUS That's my aunt. (beat) Plus I kind of wanted it. OLD DECREPIT MAN Hurry. Marcus reluctantly gets out of bed and joins the old man. CUT BACK TO: INT - FAZOLIS'S - DAY BRIAN No. No this is no good. JOHN Is he okay? BRIAN Well this won't work. He was the (old english term) for the kiosk. JAKE -old english term-? JOHN A distraction. To help pull off this ream flash pull. BRIAN (to John) Great Train Robbery? John nods his head giddily. BRIAN (CONT'D) Well it has to be done. Brian gazes over at Adam, who has suddenly found great interest in his food. The others focus on him as well. ADAM Not doing it. I'm no -mispronounced old english term--- JOHN -correct term- ADAM See, I can't even pronounce it. I told you, I'm only there in case something goes wrong. BRIAN Got to do it man. JAKE Come on, all you have to do is talk to some rando for like a minute, minute and a half. (beat) That's got nothing on what I'm up for. ADAM (beginning to give in) But, I'm not good at things like that. I don't want to mess it up for you all. BRIAN Either do we. But you are doing it anyway...right? ADAM (defeated) All right. JAKE Badass. ADAM What do I have to do exactly anyway? BRIAN (to John) Bring the plan? JOHN Oh yea. After fishing around in his pocket, John produces a neatly constructed origami swan. BRIAN The [censored] is that? ADAM A duck. FRAZIER Swan. Nice one too. JOHN Thanks. No one suspects the swan. John tugs on the tail and makes the head bob up and down; he is quite entertained. Brian snatches the swan and quickly unfolds it to reveal the crudely drawn map of the mall from the library. John is dejected at the loss of his creation. -------------- cut note - fill this is -------------- The five guys all sit at the table going over the map. BRIAN Seriously though can we pat attention for a second-- A young, moderately cute worker interrupts offering... BREADSTICK GIRL --Breadstick? Some accept, some decline; Adam asks for four. She begins to walk away, but stops herself and tuerns back to the table. BREADSTICK GIRL (CONT'D) (to Brian) Hey has anyone ever told you that you look like that new James Bond? Brian smiles sheepishly and mumbles awkardly to his food JOHN Pierce Brosnan?! BREADSTICK GIRL Yeah him! Well I just tought I would say you look like him. She leaves as the guys at the table laugh. A group of middle-aged painters at the adjacent table overheard the entire exchange. One of them turns to the table. DIRTY PAINTER You know you do kind of look like him buddy. DIRTIER PAINTER Fricken James Bond over here. (begins to mimic the 007 theme) Dun-da-da-dun-dun-dun..... The dirty painters erupt in laughter with Brian's table joining in. As the laughter subsides, Brian focuses the attention back to the map. BRIAN (in a wretched Sean Connery impersonation) ---james bond quote---- JOHN Wait a minute. That was from ---bond movie--. Not a Brosnan film. Not even connery, asshat. ADAM And your Connerty was just awful. BRIAN Top it then monkey. Adam pauses, cocks his eyebrow for effect. ADAM (in an impeccable Connery) Welcome to the Rock. The performance floors everyone. BRIAN A point to you good sir. (beat) Can we finally get back to the [censored] plans? Okay. The crudely drawn map is folded out on the table. Everyone is looking down, focused on it, as the scene fades from the illustrated rendition of mall to the real thing, matching as well as possible CUT TO: INT - MALL HALLWAY - DAY Shoppers everywhere walk by the Victoria Secret. In the window sits the enormous beautiful poster. BRIAN (V.O.) Basically everyone is just going to get into position... EXT - MALL PARKING LOT - DAY The expansive lot outside the mall is packed. A white security truck with green flashing lights drives by. BRIAN (V.O.) ..I call Frazier to tell him we are ready and in the clear. When the outside is clear he will call me back. That is when I signal Jake to go in... </pre><hr /> |
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Re: part of an old screenplay i wrote
<font class="small">Code:</font><hr /><pre>
INT - VICTORIA'S SECRET - DAY Panties everywhere. Enough to make any poor kid unlucky enough to be dragged in by his mom uncomfortable. Halfway through the store the small first checkout station is being staffed by an attractive young woman. In the back, more women are doing their job behind the main counter. BRIAN (V.O.) As soon as he is in there is no turning back. About forty seconds later I'll signal Adam to handle the kiosk... INT - MALL HALLWAY - KIOSK STORE - DAY An old woman works the kiosk in the middle of the mall. It sells random crap including candy, newspapers, and University of Ohio clothing. BRIAN (V.O.) The second Adam starts on her me and John will head in, take her down, and be on our way. INT - MALL HALLWAY - EMERGENCY EXIT DOORS. BRIAN (V.O.) We head out the emergency exit corridor, through her in the Blazer, and get the hell out of there. EXT - MALL PARKING LOT - DAY The outside area on the other side of the emergency exit. It is in a tiny inlet just off the main parking lot. BRIAN (V.O.) And just like that... (beat, then in the awful Connery voice) ---bond line---- JAKE (V.O.) Still so awful. A beat as we hold on the parking lot. The sunny blue sky fades quickly to the deep purple of a Ohio dusk. Frazier's black blazer pulls into the lot. It circles once before finally turning into the inlet next to the exit. Another car, a red Jeep, pulls into a regular spot on the other side of the expansive lot. A yellow happy face air freshener dangles from the rear view window. The doors to the Jeep open as Brian, John, Adam, and Jake step out. They are all dressed as inconspicuously as possible, with no identifying markings on their clothes. Hats are pulled low over Brian and John's heads. And the heist begins. INT - MALL HALLWAY - NIGHT The group walk as coolly as possible towards the store. At this late hour the shopping has thinned out a considerable amount. Brian and John take a seat at a bench in front of Victoria's Secret. Adam and Jake do the same at another a bit further down the hallway. None of their faces show any hint of fun or confidence. Brian removes his phone and dials. BRIAN (into phone) In position. Are you ready? CUT TO: INT - FRAZIER'S BLAZER - NIGHT Frazier sits calmly, wearing chromed out aviator glasses. He looks down at a belt in the passenger seat. FRAZIER I'm good. But we aren't clear yet... (beat) I'll call the second you are. Frazier looks out to where a white mall security truck is stopped in the planned escape route. FRAZIER (CONT'D) (to himself) The [censored] are you doing old man? CUT TO: INT - MALL SECURITY TRUCK - NIGHT An enormous, mustached, dar as obsidian middle aged man sits behind the driver seat. Hank Williams blares from the speakers, which he enthusiastically sings along with. In his hands lies an old red Etch-a-Sketch which has his entire focus. On the screen? An incredibly drawn, yet incomplete, self portrait. He laughs to himself. CUT TO: INT - MALL - VICTORIA'S SECRET - NIGHT Brian and John sit in silence with their heads down. Then: JOHN You realize this is an awful idea right? BRIAN Pretty much. JOHN Could just not go through with it. BRIAN Yeah... Brian quickly reachers for his pocket as his cell phone begins to vibrate. BRIAN (CONT'D) (into phone) Okay, be ready. (to John) We're clear. John just shakes his head as Brian looks across the hall to Adam and Jake. He can't help but smile as he runs his finger down his nose and points to the store. Jake smiles back, stands up, takes a deep breath, and heads into the store. Brian and John sit silently staring at their watches. Suddenly Brian's hand shoots to his pocket and removes the vibrating phone. BRIAN (CONT'D) (to John) It's Jake. The heist is off. Brian flips the phone open to listen to... CUT TO: INT - VICTORIA'S SECRET - NIGHT Jake, standing all alone in the store, not a person in sight. JAKE (into phone) The store is clear. Get in here. Now. CUT BACK TO: INT - MALL HALLWAY - NIGHT Brian flips the phone closed. Turns to John as seriously as possible and says... BRIAN Let's make the donuts. And with that he signals Adam to the kiosk, and mouths the word "Now". Adam gets up and heads to the Kiosk as Brian and John head to the store. CUT BACK TO: INT - VICTORIA'S SECRET - NIGHT Jake is still standing by himself, looking out the entrance he sees Brian and John slip inside. Suddenly two workers emerge from a back room. He rapidly approaches the first one and begins a rabid tirade. JAKE (loud, almost unintellagable) YOU! I have bought panties for my girlfriend and you said they would fit but when I put them on and they ripped and I need a refund because they wer stole and my receipt was in the pants and... He puts and arm behind her and begins to walk her towards the back end of the store as he continues his rambling. CUT TO: INT - VICTORIA'S SECRET - FRONT WINDOW -NIGHT Brian has his hands on the bottom of the poster and is lifting it in an attempt to get the wires to unhook from the ceiling. John is anxiously waiting. CUT TO: INT - MALL HALLWAY - KIOSK - NIGHT Adam is talking to the old woman in an effort to keep her back to the store. ADAM Sooo... how are you doing in the weather? CUT TO: INT - FRAZIER'S BLAZER - NIGHT Frazier patiently sits. A light-rock 80's hit plays on the stereo. He sings along as his hands tap on the steering wheel. CUT TO: INT - VICTORIA'S SECRET - FRONT WINDOW - NIGHT Brian has his hands grasping the bottom of the poster, shaking the hell out of it in frustration. It won't unhook. Through the window they see that Adam is still talking to the old woman. From the back they can hear Jake ranting about the hole not being large enough in his crotchless panties. Success! The poster finally unhooks from the ceiling and thugs against the glass window. John walks over and grabs the other end. CUT TO: INT - MALL HALLWAY - KIOSK - NIGHT The thud against the glass has caused the old woman to take a slight notice she begins to turn around; Adam must stop her. ADAM (yelling) Hey! The woman turns around to Adam's anxious face. Adam looks over and sees a little girl looking at the candy. He says the first thing that pops into his head. ADAM (CONT'D) She is stealing candy! The woman looks to the little girl who begins to cry. Out of the corner of her she sees Brian and John making off with the poster. KIOSK GRANDMA (nonchalantly) What in the world... She looks at Adam. Adam looks at her. A moment suspended in time as the gears in Adam's head turn. They reach a decision... Adam runs, bolts actually, from the kiosk in the opposite direction as Brian in John were moving. ADAM (yelling) GO!!! CUT TO: INT - VICTORIA'S SECRET - NIGHT JAKE (still ranting) So you see you cannot possibly expect me to not be upset when others who... He sees Adam sprinting off in the distance and hears his panicked scream. Immediately he stops his whole act. JAKE (CONT'D) (in a perfectly even voice) I'm sorry m'ladies but I believe I was mistaken. With this Jake drops the numerous pairs of panties in his hands and takes off out of the store, sprinting in the same direction as Adam. Jake spills out into the... MALL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS He accidentally knocks over the little girl Adam accused of stealing. As she hits the ground a large amount of candy spills out from her pink Barbie purse. As Jake heads off following Adam, we turn in the other direction to where we find Brian and John heading to the emergency exit. Amazingly they are still calmly walking. Heads down, they both start cracking up laughing as they reach the exit door. They open it and enter the corridor. INT - CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS Narrow, barren walls that stretch for about 150 feet. John, running in front, and Brian break into a full sprint the second they enter. To their surprise a woman is in the corridor leaving the mall. JOHN (yelling) Clear out Grandma! She freezes, as any old woman probably would at the sight of two young men running wildly at them in a closed space would. John narrowly dodges her. But Brian drops a shoulder and lays her out like he dead bag of bones she is. CUT TO: INT - MALL - CHILDREN'S TOY STORE - NIGHT It is peaceful. Light music plays as a few families browse the merchandise. Through the entrance, for those that notice, a body very much like Adam's goes running by wildly. Just as those that notice go back to their business, another body goes running by. This one belonging to Jake. CUT TO: INT - MALL - FOOD COURT - NIGHT Adam goes running by, struggling for breath, and bursts out the main exit doors. Jake is on his heels. CUT TO: INT - EXIT CORRIDOR - NIGHT Brian and John reach the end of the corridor and throw the doors open to the outside. EXT - MALL PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS Frazier stands there smiling with the trunk of the Blazer open. As the exit shut, a security guard appears at the other end running. As Brian and John cram the poster in the Blazer, Frazier takes the belt and ties the two double doors securely together. </pre><hr /> ---- all tripe copywrited by oy the bumbla. |
#4
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Re: part of an old screenplay i wrote
Can I have my last 6 hours back please?
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#5
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Re: part of an old screenplay i wrote
i don't like it
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#6
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Re: part of an old screenplay i wrote
I read a few pages and will read the rest when I have time...but just a few quick notes on some screenwriting basics: (once I finish the whole thing I'll give you my two cents on the story itself)
1) Too much description. I understand this is meant to be read (I do it too) but we don't need the description to be great prose. Example: The sky is overcast and it is evident that a large storm has just passed. A silver Ford Probe pulls into a parking space in front of the music store. Nothing wrong with these first two sentences, but if the rest of the screenplay is like this I'm going to feel like I'm reading a book. And that's NOT what a reader or an exec or a director is going to want to do - he wants to be able to read this sucker in under 80 minutes. If he can't, it won't be finished. At least, not by the person you want to read it! Description in a screenplay needs to be basic and informative: It's a cloudy day. A late model Ford pulls up in front of a music store. Nothing great, but you get the same amount of information out in half the space. You get the idea. 3) No need to tell us what the characters are wearing unless it's integral to the story. "Basic rocker dude outfit" or "He looks like what he is - a surfer" will do. Trust me, the director and wardrobe mistress do not want to be told what characters are wearing. Your dialogue is tending to stray into the "too much exposition territory," and that's just in the few pages I read...SHOW don't tell. Especially if you're having a character tell us what he's already doing or about to do. Anyway...I just wanted to tell you what I could as I'm not sure when I'll be able to read thing... Please take my free advice as what it is: totally worthless! [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] |
#7
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Re: part of an old screenplay i wrote
I echo what Dominic said. I was a script reader for Miramax and Showtime for over 4 years and read over 1,200 complete feature screenplays. 5-10% of them were pretty good, and the rest were not good. This would fall in the not-good category. It's incredibly amateurish, and even though it has good intentions and some amusing moments, it's simply bad screenwriting.
Sorry, but that's the way it is. Screenwriting is hard. That's why the good ones make so much money. I'd suggest reading a lot more published/filmed scripts from great movies to get a feel for how it's done. |
#8
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Re: part of an old screenplay i wrote
[ QUOTE ]
I echo what Dominic said. I was a script reader for Miramax and Showtime for over 4 years and read over 1,200 complete feature screenplays. 5-10% of them were pretty good, and the rest were not good. This would fall in the not-good category. It's incredibly amateurish, and even though it has good intentions and some amusing moments, it's simply bad screenwriting. Sorry, but that's the way it is. Screenwriting is hard. That's why the good ones make so much money. I'd suggest reading a lot more published/filmed scripts from great movies to get a feel for how it's done. [/ QUOTE ] 5-10%?? Really? I would think it'd be a lot less than that! I don't envy your olb job, though...reading bad screenplay after bad screenplay must really suck. And coverage blows. As a screenwriter, I've always hated it...but realize the need for it. |
#9
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Re: part of an old screenplay i wrote
Maybe I was being generous -- I probably recommended 3-6% of them. But 10% were at least readable and competent. They would just have some issues that would lead me to pass on them, but I could tell the writer knew what they were doing.
This is a case where you just sigh after the first few pages and brace yourself for having to finish it off so you can write the summary. Then you try to be nice in the coverage. I definitely don't miss that job. It was great that I got to set my own hours, sleep in, etc. -- but it was tedious and depressing to sift through stuff like the OP's script (and much worse -- OP, take comfort knowing that the fact you can even spell and have a sense of humor makes your script in the top 25% of everything submitted in Hollywood) for days on end. Now that I'm getting paid to write my own stuff, I can't even imagine doing that again. |
#10
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Re: part of an old screenplay i wrote
lol...I can't imagine doing that for any length of time...I tried writing coverage for about a week...I couldn't believe the dreck that would actually get submitted...it was mind-numbingly awful. But at least it let me know how good I was compared to the vast majority of screenwriters in Hollywood. [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]
So what are you working on now, Joker? |
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