Dr. Dom letters

[Dominic]

I received a couple of letters this week, and I thought they could both use some advice from more than just me...they deserve the full OOT treatment!

First one is annonymous:

Heres a difficult one for you dom. I've been with my girl for over 8 months now. For the 1st few months we could never spend any time apart and i grew to love this chick and supposedly she loves me sooo much. She has a childlike quality to her that I like and she's freaky in bed.

About 2 months into it we get into some legal trouble where we both face 2nd degree felony charges. 4 months later we go to court together and I keep telling her that I think she's going to agree to testify against me (she had already told me there was a deal for her like that but that she wouldnt' do it). We have this discussion for 2 hours before court and she keeps insisting that she's not going to do it. Well we finally go to court that day and low and behold she tells the judge she's going to agree to testify against me.

Our relationship after that has been kindda choppy and shes seemed a little more detached since then. Except when she goes to jail on the weekends and calls me crying that she loves me so damn much telling me i'm the guy she sees herself spending the rest of her life with. We've been to church together and prayed together throughout all of this but i just dont believe her no more.

Well about 2 1/2 months ago she gets a job working for kirby. She works with the boss and this one old guy with new people coming in and out all the time (most people dont last cus you get paid on commission only). I have a friend who worked at the one of the other branches of kirby in the city (where the boss originally came from and where they do meetings at a few times a month).

He said he [censored] 4 of the door knockers there and how they all [censored] eachother and do coke. My girl has told me that almost all the girls there are [censored] so it's not a lie. I'm basically thinking they all take turns on this chick but she denies everything and says she's not like that but she loves the attention she gets from guys. Ever since i met her she's always had alot of "guy" friends but basically stopped hanging out with them when she got with me.

What do you think?


Wow. Well...I'm not going to get into the particulars of your story because they're just so damn...unique. But I will ask you three questions:

1) Do you love her?

If you do, there's nothing much I can tell you that will change your mind about the situation. If you don't, I have only one bit of advice: run.

2) Do you trust her?

Trust is a serious issue in any relationship - you don't seem to trust this girl (and for good reason - she sold you down the river!) But your real issue with the girl doesn't seem to be her betryal of you in the legal system, but the possibility her job may lead her to "stray." Brother, trust is black and white - it's either there or it's not. Without it, any relationship is doomed to fail. So you need to make a choice - to trust or not to trust. And that's not something I can help you with, that comes from your experience and your emotions.

3) Do you like drama?

Because with this girl you're going to have a lot of it. So if you'd rather not deal with drama bombs every week, I suggest cutting your losses and moving on. If you don't mind them...hey, maybe the both of you will find a way to make it work...who knows?

**************************

The next one is from respected poster Guyon who is brave enough NOT to remain annonymous!

First, brilliant post. One should never cease his desire to gain new perspective, and you have done just that. That being said, your words of insight into my personal situation would be greatly appreciated.

I'm writing not for help getting women, but finding and keeping quality women.

My history with women would be considered modestly successful by general standards. Granted, my history doesn't involve triple teaming poster worthy porn women, but my friends tend to rally around me for dating/winging/barhopping. One married friend, an excellent charmer and a sensei of sorts, has told me he now lives vicariously through my exploits. I am at the point where I feel I must lie to women because I do not want to reveal the true nature of my sexual past.

Here's an unbiased assessment of myself. I'm 23, 6'1, 195, intelligent, witty, less wealthy than most of my peers, do not have a beach body, but possess enough of the confidence, charm, and spontaneous humor that is essential to attracting women.

I've had two serious relationships, the most serious produced a child, who was born prematurely and died after several days, which ultimately led to the unravelling of the relationship several months later. The second, in conjunction with the first, has severely impacted my capacity for developing intimacy.

My two biggest shortcomings are that I have not been consistently successful with legitimate (and sane) 9s and 10s, and most importantly, I can't seem to find a woman to keep around for some time.

My personal problem is that I am growing weary of the revolving door process taking place. It's almost formulaic: Go out, meet some girl, round a varying number of bases, and then never talk to this person again. For one reason or another, this seems to be the pattern that I have been repeating for several years now.

Should I be making changes that would make me come across as less of a free-wheeling bachelor by developing my capacity for intimacy in order to cultivate relationships with women that I choose. Where should I be venturing out besides the bar scene to find such women?

I do realize that I am relatively young, have not established a career, residence, or financial security at this point. I should not be looking to get married, and I'm not. I'm just looking for fulfillment through a meaningful relationship. If you've made it this far, I feel as though I am appealing to a higher power here. Your input, which I can rely on as being truthful and honest, would certainly be appreciated.

Peace, Guyon

Guy,

Thanks for the trust...let's see if we can break this down.

You've had a tragedy in your life that takes time to rebound from. It seems you realize that this may still be affecting you and your capacity to develop a meaningful relationship. Maybe...just maybe....you're not quite ready for something serious yet?

I know you're tired of the meat market scene, and the bar scene and what not, but that doesn't mean you're now ready for a long-term commitment, does it?

You seem to be a little too caught up with the "quality" of women you're dating, as well. Bagging a 9 or 10 might be good for your ego, but unless you have more in common than an appreciation of her beauty, the hook-up will remain only that - a hook-up.

You've already admitted you're very young, not financially or emotionally ready for a relationship...and yet you sense something missing, right? Something is missing - but not necessarily what you think (a girl)!

Maybe you need to figure out who you are first. Do a little personal discovery, you know? Work on what makes Guyon tick. For emotional support, rely on your friends and family, or maybe cultivate a non-romantic relationship with someone. Try helping someone or becoming a mentor or Big Brother - you'd be amazed at how soul-cleansing something like that can be.

Basically, take your time. You've said it yourself - you're not ready for the "Big Romance" and yet the casual hook-ups you're experiencing are leaving you somewhat empty. There's nothing wrong with taking a break from the Pursuit, is there? Take up a hobby, work on your career, get better at poker...anything.

I don't trust a man who can't voluntarily have a "dry spell." I've gone more than a year at times without sex or dating. It's really no big deal, especially if casual sex is no longer the excitment it once was.

Or, instead of going cold turkey, just don't put so much effort into it. Try meeting girls in non-obvious places: a class, a book store, etc. You might find it refreshing to meet girls in a non-hook-up atmosphere.

More importantly...take your time! You're in no rush to find the perfect girl. Trust me, she doesn't exist. Just work on yourself and I guarantee you you'll start attracting the kind of girls who you'll want to stick around longer than one night.

Good luck!

********************

I'm sure OOT will have some interesting thoughts and advice for these two, as well....

[NT!]

Dude these are getting way too long, and the first one is obv fake

NT

[bisonbison]

First, brilliant post. One should never cease his desire to gain new perspective, and you have done just that. That being said, your words of insight into my personal situation would be greatly appreciated.

Ahahahahhahaha.

If you've made it this far, I feel as though I am appealing to a higher power here. Your input, which I can rely on as being truthful and honest, would certainly be appreciated.

Aahahahahahahahahahha

[Dominic]

[ QUOTE ]
Dude these are getting way too long, and the first one is obv fake

NT

[/ QUOTE ]

1) if you don't like them, nothing's making you read them.

2) I'm amazed people think these letters are fake...oh well, can't please everyone.

3) If someone thinks I can help and seeks out my advice, I am going to take it seriously and answer them with some thought behind my words. If all the haters want to make snide comments or denigrate me or the people asking for advice, that's their problem, not mine.

Instead of hating, NT, why not try to help?

[FortunaMaximus]

Wow. Good content. tl;dr contribution below.

I think it's important to add that there's trust and there's trust. As you get more and more into a woman, you have to open yourself up more and more, and trust her more with how and why you're thinking about things. This is easily the most difficult thing you have to do in any relationship. I'm fortunate enough to have found a woman I love whose support has been invaluable to me over the past year. Great communication is the key. A year in, though, I still have trust issues, but have realized I HAVE to trust her because I expect the same from her. And sometimes the male ego gets in the way of that.

Voluntary celibacy, at times, can be a wonderful thing. It builds self-disclipine, and you realize intellectually how much more rewarding the sexual experience is for two reasons: It's far more comfortable and fascinating with somebody that knows you very, very well. Also, you learn that sex on its own can be pure sport, but there's a shallowness to it that at some stage in your life you find yourself wondering what the point of that is.

Communication and mutual loyalty are the best things you can get from another person. You have to be willing to accept the minor disagreements and differing points of view, because in the larger picture, these are the things that keep the relationships interesting.

[NT!]

[ QUOTE ]
1) if you don't like them, nothing's making you read them.

[/ QUOTE ]

dude i am trying to HELP you, i'm not complaining

[ QUOTE ]
2) I'm amazed people think these letters are fake...oh well, can't please everyone.

[/ QUOTE ]

i'm not saying you made it up, I'm saying whoever wrote it is obviously FOS... and even on the off chance they aren't, the correct answer to something like, "My girlfriend snitched on me and probably does coke and screws her coworkers," is about three words long, possibly shorter.

[ QUOTE ]

Instead of hating, NT, why not try to help?

[/ QUOTE ]

Dude I AM trying to help, if you just want to give people good advice PM them, if you want to write something that others will read don't answer obvious crap and shorten both the letters and your responses. The trick with this kind of thing is to be witty, accurate, compelling, and as brief as possible.

NT

[Dominic]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
1) if you don't like them, nothing's making you read them.

[/ QUOTE ]

dude i am trying to HELP you, i'm not complaining

[ QUOTE ]
2) I'm amazed people think these letters are fake...oh well, can't please everyone.

[/ QUOTE ]

i'm not saying you made it up, I'm saying whoever wrote it is obviously FOS... and even on the off chance they aren't, the correct answer to something like, "My girlfriend snitched on me and probably does coke and screws her coworkers," is about three words long, possibly shorter.

[ QUOTE ]

Instead of hating, NT, why not try to help?

[/ QUOTE ]

Dude I AM trying to help, if you just want to give people good advice PM them, if you want to write something that others will read don't answer obvious crap and shorten both the letters and your responses. The trick with this kind of thing is to be witty, accurate, compelling, and as brief as possible.

NT

[/ QUOTE ]

you have some good points...and I'll try and be more entertaining in the future, but I really don't want to trivialize someone's real concern with a joke, you know?

[NT!]

[ QUOTE ]
you have some good points...and I'll try and be more entertaining in the future, but I really don't want to trivialize someone's real concern with a joke, you know?

[/ QUOTE ]

definitely not

sometimes a pithy response leaves someone with more to think about than a dissertation on all possible outcomes, you know?

NT

[bisonbison]

you have some good points...and I'll try and be more entertaining in the future, but I really don't want to trivialize someone's real concern with a joke, you know?

Good jokes don't trivialize. They reframe the reality of a situation in a concise and clear way. As does editing for publication.

[captZEEbo]

Don't take this the wrong way, but what qualifies you as the resident relationship expert?