Incapable of love?

[ata]

I have always been a very independent person. Never truly exposed my inner-self to anyone. If there's an opposite to someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, I am that person. This is not to say that I'm quiet and shy... in fact I'm quite loud and outgoing. I just pick and choose what cards to reveal depending on the circumstances.

So how this translates into my relationships - I have an extremely hard time opening up to girlfriends. I have had two serious relationships that lasted around a year each. Each of them were pretty similar. I liked the girl, thought she was hot etc. so I pursued her and ended up getting her. Lots of fun. Then the moment we are considered 'together', something clicks in my brain and I sub-consciously feel the need to constantly push back so that she doesn't get too close to me. Like I can think of doing things for her that will make her completely fall in love with me, but I don't do them because my sub-conscious can't let that happen, for some reason that I can't understand. My past relationships always fell into the cycle where she wanted more from me, and I was always pushing back. I have no [censored] clue what love is, but I'm pretty sure I was never at that point with either of them, and the predominant feeling I felt was a 'don't get too close' feeling.

I just broke up with my most recent gf (mutually due to the above), and of course now I miss her and want to get back with her, but we already broke up once before and then after getting back together, the same cycle of me pushing back continued. She is great, we get along well, but I never started to experience feelings of love. I have no [censored] clue whether it's just my natural character that I'm incapable of it or if I just haven't met the right person. My recent ex-gf is good looking/fun/etc. and will likely find someone new in the next few months. So obv it's hard for me to let go to figure things out for myself right now knowing that I likely won't be able to get her back if I figure things out. I'm 25 fwiw.

Feel free to comment on personal experience or advice or whatever.

And I sincerely apologize for being completely emo, it's totally out of my character, so feel free to ridicule.