Incapable of love?

[ata]

I have always been a very independent person. Never truly exposed my inner-self to anyone. If there's an opposite to someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, I am that person. This is not to say that I'm quiet and shy... in fact I'm quite loud and outgoing. I just pick and choose what cards to reveal depending on the circumstances.

So how this translates into my relationships - I have an extremely hard time opening up to girlfriends. I have had two serious relationships that lasted around a year each. Each of them were pretty similar. I liked the girl, thought she was hot etc. so I pursued her and ended up getting her. Lots of fun. Then the moment we are considered 'together', something clicks in my brain and I sub-consciously feel the need to constantly push back so that she doesn't get too close to me. Like I can think of doing things for her that will make her completely fall in love with me, but I don't do them because my sub-conscious can't let that happen, for some reason that I can't understand. My past relationships always fell into the cycle where she wanted more from me, and I was always pushing back. I have no [censored] clue what love is, but I'm pretty sure I was never at that point with either of them, and the predominant feeling I felt was a 'don't get too close' feeling.

I just broke up with my most recent gf (mutually due to the above), and of course now I miss her and want to get back with her, but we already broke up once before and then after getting back together, the same cycle of me pushing back continued. She is great, we get along well, but I never started to experience feelings of love. I have no [censored] clue whether it's just my natural character that I'm incapable of it or if I just haven't met the right person. My recent ex-gf is good looking/fun/etc. and will likely find someone new in the next few months. So obv it's hard for me to let go to figure things out for myself right now knowing that I likely won't be able to get her back if I figure things out. I'm 25 fwiw.

Feel free to comment on personal experience or advice or whatever.

And I sincerely apologize for being completely emo, it's totally out of my character, so feel free to ridicule.

[superadvisor]

Wow. You've been in two whole relationships and you weren't compatible in either one of them, something must be seriously wrong with you.

Everything you've described sounds painfully standard and you're completely over thinking the entire situation.

Take this time to focus on you. Figure out better now that you're single things that make you happy. Figure out better how you want to progress in your life. And just Figure out how to be a better person to yourself and the women will follow naturally.

I heard a quote that sounds foolish but it's absolutely true. You can lose a lot of money chasing women but you'll never lose a woman chasing money.

Incapable of love? [censored], you just haven't found a woman to accept your love properly.

[hosstito]

good post superadvisor. the past few weeks i've been in a similar situation, it's good to know it's nothing out of the ordinary. i feel kind of soured on relationships still, but i'm sure that will pass.

[seemorenuts]

Have you told these women what you are telling us?

What do they say and feel (and if you haven't told them, how would you think they'd react; lastly, why don't you just tell them)?

I can see bottling things up if you had a traumatic separation when you were young, but I assume you're pretty emotionally healthy.

P.S. I think the expression is 'pulling' back not pushing back.

[xxThe_Lebowskixx]

whats your relationship like with your mother?

[ata]

[ QUOTE ]
whats your relationship like with your mother?

[/ QUOTE ]

We get along fine - we are not very close though.

[imitation]

Interestingly I was considering making a similar post, but less that i'm clingy or wear my heart on my sleeve, rather I feel i'm fairly emotionless person, not to be mistaken as negative infact quite the contrary i'm very outgoing and I always feel happy however I have totally rationalised in my mind that I don't really believe in being in love I have choosen the girl who I will marry on how she complements me, that she will be a good wife and that I will not get bored having sex with her. Is this wrong, I don't know does it matter? If I'm happy with this decision and I will keep this women happy then who loses?

Now don't confuse that I won't love this women as my wife and care for her, I will but more as a matter of what the goals of life should be.

I am saving love for my children. And I think this reflects much more what people really have in their lives I don't believe in the past parents loved each forever but they committed themselves by their joint love of their children.

This is a bit rambly whatever.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
I heard a quote that sounds foolish but it's absolutely true. You can lose a lot of money chasing women but you'll never lose a woman chasing money.


[/ QUOTE ]

Actually this is a fairly common thing with lawyers and other professionals. That's probably one of the reasons why their rate of drug abuse and alcoholism is so high, as is their rate of heart disease and heart attacks.

Scenario goes: Newly minted laywer spends a ton of time at work at law firm, as new hires are expected to do, and to learn the ropes. This goes on for a couple years, and then he spends a ton of hours at work so he can make partner or junior partner, so his career can really go somewhere and he can pull in some serious bucks. Let's say he makes his partnership/junior partnership. Then he needs to spend tons of time to get himself a job higher up the partnership ladder, maybe one day even to managing partner of some section of his firm. This can go on for decades.

Meanwhile, at home, wifey enjoys the money, but not so much the decades of rarely seeing her husband, and often seeing him only when he's tired and really stressed out. She more or less raises the kids in his absence. After a while she's lonely, bored, and bitter. The only thing she really enjoys in the relationship anymore is the lifestyle. Plus she realizes she's not getting any younger, and if she's going to jump ship, she needs to do it while she's still got a chance of attracting someone and the kids are still around to draw support money and let her keep the house.

Wife divorces hubby and keeps the house, kids, one of the cars, part of the 401k and other assets, etc. Her lifestyle is intact, but now her life has a chance, she figures, to be interesting again, maybe this time with a partner who's not just a crabby sloth who can't stop arguing.

So hubby has spent 15, 20, 30 years chasing money, in his mind perhaps for his family. What family? He never used to see them and now they're gone anyway. Time to rent an apartment, hit the bottle and buy a sportscar.

[superadvisor]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I heard a quote that sounds foolish but it's absolutely true. You can lose a lot of money chasing women but you'll never lose a woman chasing money.


[/ QUOTE ]

Actually this is a fairly common thing with lawyers and other professionals. That's probably one of the reasons why their rate of drug abuse and alcoholism is so high, as is their rate of heart disease and heart attacks.

Scenario goes: Newly minted laywer spends a ton of time at work at law firm, as new hires are expected to do, and to learn the ropes. This goes on for a couple years, and then he spends a ton of hours at work so he can make partner or junior partner, so his career can really go somewhere and he can pull in some serious bucks. Let's say he makes his partnership/junior partnership. Then he needs to spend tons of time to get himself a job higher up the partnership ladder, maybe one day even to managing partner of some section of his firm. This can go on for decades.

Meanwhile, at home, wifey enjoys the money, but not so much the decades of rarely seeing her husband, and often seeing him only when he's tired and really stressed out. She more or less raises the kids in his absence. After a while she's lonely, bored, and bitter. The only thing she really enjoys in the relationship anymore is the lifestyle. Plus she realizes she's not getting any younger, and if she's going to jump ship, she needs to do it while she's still got a chance of attracting someone and the kids are still around to draw support money and let her keep the house.

Wife divorces hubby and keeps the house, kids, one of the cars, part of the 401k and other assets, etc. Her lifestyle is intact, but now her life has a chance, she figures, to be interesting again, maybe this time with a partner who's not just a crabby sloth who can't stop arguing.

So hubby has spent 15, 20, 30 years chasing money, in his mind perhaps for his family. What family? He never used to see them and now they're gone anyway. Time to rent an apartment, hit the bottle and buy a sportscar.

[/ QUOTE ]

Sorry Blarg, you sound like an idiot here. There are plenty, if not a majority of successful businessmen who have happy marriages. Don't believe all the crap you watch on the Lifetime network.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I heard a quote that sounds foolish but it's absolutely true. You can lose a lot of money chasing women but you'll never lose a woman chasing money.


[/ QUOTE ]

Actually this is a fairly common thing with lawyers and other professionals. That's probably one of the reasons why their rate of drug abuse and alcoholism is so high, as is their rate of heart disease and heart attacks.

Scenario goes: Newly minted laywer spends a ton of time at work at law firm, as new hires are expected to do, and to learn the ropes. This goes on for a couple years, and then he spends a ton of hours at work so he can make partner or junior partner, so his career can really go somewhere and he can pull in some serious bucks. Let's say he makes his partnership/junior partnership. Then he needs to spend tons of time to get himself a job higher up the partnership ladder, maybe one day even to managing partner of some section of his firm. This can go on for decades.

Meanwhile, at home, wifey enjoys the money, but not so much the decades of rarely seeing her husband, and often seeing him only when he's tired and really stressed out. She more or less raises the kids in his absence. After a while she's lonely, bored, and bitter. The only thing she really enjoys in the relationship anymore is the lifestyle. Plus she realizes she's not getting any younger, and if she's going to jump ship, she needs to do it while she's still got a chance of attracting someone and the kids are still around to draw support money and let her keep the house.

Wife divorces hubby and keeps the house, kids, one of the cars, part of the 401k and other assets, etc. Her lifestyle is intact, but now her life has a chance, she figures, to be interesting again, maybe this time with a partner who's not just a crabby sloth who can't stop arguing.

So hubby has spent 15, 20, 30 years chasing money, in his mind perhaps for his family. What family? He never used to see them and now they're gone anyway. Time to rent an apartment, hit the bottle and buy a sportscar.

[/ QUOTE ]

Sorry Blarg, you sound like an idiot here. There are plenty, if not a majority of successful businessmen who have happy marriages. Don't believe all the crap you watch on the Lifetime network.

[/ QUOTE ]

You're the one who sounds like an idiot. First, I said professionals, not businessmen. Second, I said something was fairly common, not universal. Third, my grandfather's a laywer, my dad's a lawyer, most of his friends were lawyers when I was growing up, and I've worked in different law offices for years. Fourth, I don't really watch any television, either, and when I do, it's PBS or the discovery channel or the history channel. I've heard of the Lifetime channel, but never watched it. You'd know more than me what's on it.

You struck out on every count.