Disassociating from family [censored] (longish and a bit whiny)

[J.A.K.]

A little background:
Mom
1) Grew up very poor (i.e. made her own clothes for school, got made fun of a lot, never got much at Christmas, birthdays, etc.) In my eyes my grandparents were awesome, unchanging stalwarts-literally like the Joads from Grapes of Wrath-but probably not the ideal parents.
2) Twice divorced. First marriage to my dad was horrible. He was abusive physically and mentally and an all around piece of [censored]. They divorced when I was five. My step dad was a stand up guy who I grew to love far more than my own dad but my mom finally wore him down with her carry-over neurosis and negativism from the first marriage.

Older Sister
1) Going through second divorce. First married a piece of [censored] who left soon after my niece was born. Had it rough as a single mom. My current bro-in-law is solid, had a heart to heart w/ me about the separation and promised the divorce would not be ugly and he would do right by my sister. But still a hard time for her emotionally and financially.
2) Heart of gold, though on her sleeve at times. Never asks for a thing. Also dealing with the leaving home of her first daughter.

Younger (half) Sister
1) Going through her second divorce. Four children. No job. I think her philosophy was that having children would keep the man around. Both husbands were...again pieces of [censored]. Neither would work and support his family...blah, blah you know the story. But it wasn't all them as she is a basket case.
2) Diagnosed as bipolar. Uses it at times as an excuse. Really doesn't care about her children, although lately after kicking douche #2 out she seems to be making a little more effort. Recently had a felony conviction.


Basically, I have backed myself in a corner financially helping my family. I own a small business that affords me a modest income and time for golf and poker. About a year ago life caught up with my mother and she had to sell her house. My suggestion at the time was for her to get an apartment (no upkeep, etc.) and live off the extra until she draws social security. She would have a cushion and the option of working or not. No good, she wanted a house. She has a lot of antiques with tremendous sentimental value and is averse to apartments. After a lot of wrangling and searching she found a country home she liked. She could not get financing due to her credit even though she had 80% of the home's value as a down payment. Long story longer, I get my bank to refinance and extend my business loan, tack on the additional 20k difference for the house and get my mom in there with me paying the mortgage. It was great because it ended up cutting my monthly payments by about 40%. Well I was also paying for my apartment at the time and mom was gone 4 days a week (as a live-in caretaker). Enter bad idea. Hey, why don't I move in the house I am paying the mortgage on that sits empty 4 days a week and save all this rent money. Yep, living with mom.

Anyhoo, over the course of time I move my younger sister 3 times paying deposits on each new place. Bail her out of jail and pay fine. Bail niece out of jail for DUI. Loan money for various necessities etc. etc. etc. So this year when my own unforeseen setbacks happened $2000 transmission, $1400 root canal, $1200 engine and the loss of one of my accounts I am strapped!

How do I distance myself from the [censored] of close family members that I love when no one else can help them in these situations without being an uncaring brother or son?

[Rearden]

"Anyhoo, over the course of time I move my younger sister 3 times paying deposits on each new place. Bail her out of jail and pay fine. Bail niece out of jail for DUI. Loan money for various necessities etc. etc. etc"

This makes you sound like a meal ticket man...

Its natural to help those you care about and with all due respect you seem to have gone a lot further and done a lot more than some... but you may not be helping.

You said something fairly telling in "no one else can help them". They can help themselves; you've already done tons more than they seem to have with respect to fixing their lives. Offer constructive solutions, advice, and maybe maybe financial support in an emergency (with the expressed motive of being paid back such that they cant think they can loan off of you indefinitely). Try to cut them off some and force them to be more responsible by only aiding them in loan form and aiding them less in general. Youre not at fault for their mistakes and have already acted like a saint trying to help them out. Dont let them drag you down.

Focus on your business and your own family (if youre married and or with children). Make damn sure you never face any of this. And try to eliminate them as strict financial dependents (which they seem to be). Offer advice, occasional aid, methods of getting help, etc.... not out and out cash. And remember that reality catches up with everyone; they are paying for their choices in some respect and youre welcome to help them but only if you have means to be stable yourself.

Good luck man, you sound like a great guy and I have tons of respect for what youre trying to do... but dont let them abuse you by being the meal ticket for the rest of your life.

[AbreuTime]

The most important thing if you want to "cut off" certain types of behaviors is to be clear about your expectations. If they know and understand it, then when you decline them they will know why. They will throw a fit the first time, but stay firm. Hell, you should be able to rationalize it to them why it is not acceptable to constantly go to you for money, especially with respect to your sister, niece, etc. Supporting your mom is a little different, but if you are supporting her lifestyle, you should have somewhat of a say in it.