Is Paul Newman insane?

[EvilSteve]

I'm at the grocery store and I have in my shopping cart a bagged salad mix, only it doesn't include dressing so I'll need that too. My primary choices are Kraft, Wishbone, and the slightly more upscale Newman's Own. As far as I can tell the main selling point of Newman's Own is you get Paul Newman on the label dressed up in jaunty Renaissance Fair costumes. I start comparing labels and most of the Kraft and Wishbone dressings have high fructose corn syrup as one of the top ingredients. This is a bad sign (whole point of the salad is I'm trying to eat healthy), so maybe Newman's Own is worth paying a bit more? I pick up a bottle of Newman's Own Light Balsamic Vinaigrette, no high fructose corn syrup to be found, all natural ingredients. It goes in the cart.

Then when I get home, because I'm such a voracious reader when it comes to salad dressing labels, I start reading this weird little story right above the ingredients, which makes me think Paul Newman is insane.

The Great Salad Dressing Balloon Race Across The Boot of Italy. An armada of balloons loaded with Light Balsamic. The starters gun - Bazoombah! They all rise majestically into the air. Newman's Own Balloon, with fewer calories, more taste, and secretly propelled by charity, flies faster than Kraft and further than Wishbone. First across. First on the ground. El Piloto quaffs mucho quaffs of Newman's Own Light Balsamic in victory. A medium light Italian starlet, daughter of Butch Cassidini, named Bitch Cassidini, leaps into the balloon basket, kisses Piloto, her lips smeared with Newman's Own Light Balsamic, she murmurs, "You taste of Sicily, of Vesuvius, of Naples, baby", and patting his fanny she whispers, "and no fat."