jokes you've made IRL that flopped

[Low Key]

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In college I had a pretty straight-laced professor who was one day waxing about relationships and how he had been married for 25+ year (or whatever it was)

He asked rhetorically :

"Do you know how to keep your interest in the bedroom going strong after 25 years?"

I blurted out so that the whole class could hear:

"Turn the lights off?"

About 1/4 of the class laughed, even though they tried to keep it in. 1/4 of the class gasped in shock and the rest just sat there in stunned silence.

The professor paused and just went on like nothing had happened.

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I would have been in the 1/4 that laughed.... that's pretty funny.

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I may be drunk, but I just almost fell out of my seat laughing at this one. ..Wait, maybe the drunk thing makes it funnier..


Oh wait, I remember a total bomb I made recently now!

I was watching a documentary with this girl about a POW during the Vietnam war (You can just tell this is going to end badly, right?), and he started talking about how he was like hallucinating while wandering thru the forrest escaping and thought this giant ape was following him around. It occurred to him that at some point, this ape or monkey or bear perhaps was essentially like a pet of his, and I blurt out, "Well hey, how many people get to have a bear (ape, monkey, whatever) for a pet?" ....dead silence....

No, I take that back, I think the silence was so deafening, to me at least, that it was louder than Hiroshima. =P

Now that I think about it.. Rape jokes are just a bad idea. Especially when you **** them up. They're just too delicate of jokes to try to deliver. I screwed one up so horribly recently that even I wanted to punch myself.

A master wordsmith could have possibly delivered it with impecable timing and word decisions, but not my drunk ass at that moment.

[Low Key]

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Oh, I thought of one:

A few years ago this girl from my Logic 100 (lol?) class asked me to help her out with an assignment, so I agreed and we met at some coffee shop.

She had typed out her answers already and showed them to me and I saw her name at the top. She showed me the paper then was like "I'm _______ btw (don't remember her name atm)", then she gave a playfullly upset look when I told her that I saw it on the paper already. Then I caught on to her joke and said "And your address too!". And then it was weird....


So, ya, don't make stalker jokes around girls.

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BOLLOCKS!! I was at a movie with this girl one time, we were buying tickets. For whatever stupid reason I let her buy hers and me buy mine. She bought her ticket, then I got to the window and said, "Uhh, I'm actually stalking her and didn't hear what she bought a ticket for, so if you could help me out, I'd really appreciate it."

Totally killed!

[pokerclack]

I was in a negotiations class in school and the teacher was explaining different types of negotiations. She got to the dominating style and said this is what you would use when negotiating with terrorists...

I shout out- " but I thought we don't negotiate with terrorists"

i thought it was funny

[pokerclack]

While in my criminology class, the teacher asked why our city had such high gun deaths, he looked at me and i pointed to myself and mouthed "ME"
HE did not find it amusing

[Chilltown]

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Once I was over at a good friend's place, his wife was an anthropology grad student and several of her grad student friends were over. There was a preview for the movie "Code Talkers" on and someone made a comment about what a great contribution the Navajo made, their unique language, blah blah blah. So I said "I don't know isn't it all pretty much just WWWHOOBOOBOOBOOBOOBOO" (like slapping my hand in front of my mouth making an Indian war cry). My one buddy (a sociopath FWIW) starts laughing hysterically, everyone else in the room is silent and looking at me like I'm the most ignorant POS they've ever seen.

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My favorite.

[TheCroShow]

While watching the Pats vs. Colts last week (with my bro and his boss) Randall Gay tackled some dude and I said, "he's just happy to make the tackle." complete silence....

[hurtchow]

Playing poker at my girlfriend's aunt's house. We get to a showdown, and her aunt says "I have a two, a four, a six, a nine, and a ten." So I say "Oh, you have a hopscotch!!!"

Aaaaand, nothing.

[Jailblazers]

In spanish class during high school.

Teacher: Okay everyone, now you are going to use the word "comer" in a sentence. So think of something that you would eat. You have one (Jailblazers)?
Me: "Yo como el dinero."
Teacher: Um...no you do not eat money.

Dead silence + wierd looks from the rest of people in class.

[qdmcg]

why is this last one supposed to be funny

[doppelganger]

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why is this last one supposed to be funny

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Maybe he pronounced it "dinner-o" like it was a cognate?