dating girl w/ kid issues

[[censored]]

so ive started seeing 23yr old who has a 3yr old son. This is not an issue for me at all, as I like kids and I'm good with them.

However, yesterday was the "first meeting" between myself and her son and it quickly became abundantly clear that she has a major problem when it comes to parenting. Her son does not listen to her at all, not for anything and she does nothing to rectify this.

a typical interaction went like this.

her "don't do that"
him "no"
her "please dont do that"
him "no I can"
her "dont do that"
Him - continues to do it
interaction ends

this happened again and again and again and it took everything I had to not say something.

on my way home I really thought about ending things now but.

I like her, im not too attached now but could be in the near future. She is very good for and if there wasn't this one issue I could something meaningful and longterm with her.

also I am really good with kids, I don't give in but I also never lose my temper and I think if I were to apply myself I could do some real good here but it's not really my place to do so and could end up blowing up in my face.

The father lives in area, is in picture once a week or every other week.

Thoughts?

[uncleshady]

I have no advice, but I am in a similar boat. Real new relationship: 25yr old with 2.5yr old girl. I don't see any of the same discipline issues you see with yours, but I have no idea what to do with kids. However I am not getting the bailout vibe with my situation. Good luck to both of us.

[hobbes9324]

Run....
Now....

Let's see - she can't (or won't) parent her child.
- if you try, the kid will fall back on Mom.
- there is an Ex around who likely is as useless
in this area as she is, or the kid wouldn't pull
that crap.

What could POSSIBLE go wrong....

It'd admirable that you like kids. The supply of single mothers is unlimited - fish in that pond a bit more.

MM MD

[beenben]

+stay = big problems in your future

+knowing that, maybe suggest parenting class b/c if it blows up and she gets mortally offended by the suggestion then you avoid the problems anyway, and if she takes the suggestion and follows the advice she learns at the parenting class, then problem solved also.

[KSPD]

You're better off TELLING her your views on the parenting thing now. See how she reacts. If she reacts poorly to you telling her you think she's too lax, how do you think she'll react when you try to become the more strict "step parent"?

If she handles it well on the other hand, and/or tries to change her parenting for the better of the child, maybe you can take this already somewhat promising relationship to the next level.

Upfront/Honest/100% clear is the ONLY way you can really have a relationship with a single mother.

[Bluffoon]

You have very little chance of successfully changing her parenting style. You also will have to accept that he will probably treat you pretty much the same way he treats her.

I have been in this situation before and what usually happened is that I distanced myself a little from the kid to avoid situations where I was not comfortable with his behaviour. This was never ultimately good for the relationship.

[disjunction]

I don't see the problem. If you wind up seeing her and the kid more frequently, somebody is going to have to keep him under control when the 3 of you are together, and that somebody will have to be you. As long as she is willing to cede you that authority, there is no problem. And she could probably learn by example.

Discussing your authority with her kid is your potential relationship issue, but cross that bridge when you come to it. For now, you are merely observing something that is Not Your Problem.

[FortunaMaximus]

I don't know, man. He's 3 y/o, mother lives there, father lives there. If you love her, gon' commit to her fully, be a father figure to the kid, not his daddy. Talk to the woman about how you both'll handle the stuff, tell her you'll be there for her and him (assuming that you want to).

Just be a solid dude. Treat the kid like he's older than he is, say, look, man, this is bothering your mom, you're not making her happy, maybe listen to her more, you get to do more with her and yourself and you both won't fight all the time. Basically, treat the kid with respect, don't underestimate them. Too many parents already do that.

It's a huge investment of time and commitment, man. If you're gonna do it, do it 100%.

[Jay.]

upside is in the future she'll use the same discipline with you. i have no advice though [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[Vehn]

I'd give it another couple weeks, if its a big hang up for you move on. What do you have to lose?