Weighty issue I feel powerless to handle (Longest Post Ever OMG)

[MicroBob]

I think Hellmouth's points are all very good ones.

[Hellmouth]

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PJ,

Going on what little I know about this situation, you need to get the [censored] out of it before it costs you more than it already has, 'costing' being the only likely thing it will do for you.

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Lines like this strike me, an observer, as really stupid and presumptuous, so I can only imagine what Joker makes of them.

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Funny, I was just thinking the same thing. Maybe he should go off to reflect about the 'cost' of love? [/sarcasm]

[Lunger]

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...by “marry her off” I mean prostitute her
...basically being turned into a whore for some old loser. Even if your mom is a lunatic religious nut who wants to prostitute you? Sell you to the highest bidder?
...sadly walking down the dark depths of fate to one of the most miserable existences I can imagine
...“Mom, you’re making me feel like a prostitute” because of her Chinese traditions. Yet on the other hand, I have a girlfriend who doesn’t want to be whored out to a wealthy old man. woman who doesn’t deserve to be abused by her family like this.

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The language you used to describe the situation reflects your values. As strong as you are in conviction that this is wrong, her and her family are in theirs that this is the right thing to do. I don't think you really understand that. You think there is hope and while I wish there was, there isn't.

Perhaps if you two had been together for years and you were also a millionaire able to support her and her family, then there might have been a chance. Truth is, it has only been a couple of months and you can't afford to support her family like the "Boss" can. You are severly overestimating the strength of your relationship with May.

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She doesn’t know what to do. And I don’t think I can help much. It isn’t even about me – it’s about her.

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You are right. You can't help her. But you are wrong if you think this is not about you. This is about you. You need to take care of yourself. You need to move on with your life. Get out now while you only have a few months invested into the relationship.

If you don't have the strength to end it, at the very least, please start dating other girls. It will be much easier on you if you do.

I hope you will take the advice you received to move on from me and the others on here , but I think that that you won't. You have hope, and because of that, I think it will end badly for you.

[Anacardo]

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You have hope, and because of that, I think it will end badly for you.

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Truer and sadder words were never spoken.

Fact is, people in these kinds of situations tend to have to beat themselves against a wall until they burn off their own hopes, because until that happens they can't leave it alone.

Dude, it really doesn't sound like she loves you [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] I mean, does she? Has it even come up?

[J.A.Sucker]

Why are you being so scared? You have two solutions to this problem:

1. Realize that this isn't going anywhere. You can then decide whether to keep at it and enjoy it for what it is, or you get the hell out of Dodge. This is strictly your call.

2. You realize that you really love this girl and want to marry her. If this is the case, then stand up for yourself. Tell her that she must accept you, what you're all about, and what you look like. Her parents don't, and probably won't ever do so. This is gonna strain her relationship with her parents. She has to get over this if she's gonna marry you. Otherwise, you guys are just being cowards. You should tell the parents to either accept you or go to hell. If the girl can't handle this, forget her. Things WILL NOT ever get better. Believe me.

While it sounds like I'm being harsh here, I'm not. I've seen this scenario play out too many times. All I can say is that if you or your girl can't handle your relationship and the possible drama that it will cause externally, then you guys can't handle it together. If you and your girl aren't capable of going at these problems head-on, then you don't love each other enough anyway. You can't change her parents and they will always resent you. Deal with it. If your girl accepts you, then fine. If not and if she won't accept that her parents don't love the man she does, then you're in a world of trouble (or will be). Deal with it.

[private joker]

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Dude, it really doesn't sound like she loves you [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] I mean, does she? Has it even come up?

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She does love me, and she tells me every day now. She texts me when she goes to sleep at night and when she wakes up in the morning to re-affirm it, and the reason she's so torn right now is because loving me is making the situation with her parents so difficult. She's feeling things that are reminding her of what she'll be missing if she ultimately resigns herself to her family's wishes.

As to this other point cropping up,

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In the mean time, as the good Dr mentioned above, use this situation as a catalyst to do a little self reflection and figure out why you only want inaccessible women.

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It's understandable to come to this conclusion based on the very small amount of information I'm willing to provide about my love life, but this is extremely inaccurate in the big picture. I do not want inaccessible women, I dislike and am uncomfortable with being a "fixer," and the only reason I'm tolerating this unusual situation is because I care so much for the girl. [In other words, I'm not with her *because* she's inaccessible, I am with her *despite* that]. Believe me, in a perfect world there would never be any "drama." I hate drama, which is why I have so little experience dealing with this kind of absurd, ridiculous story I've found myself in.

[dknightx]

don't listen to anyone that is telling you to stand up for yourself. As chinese person, all i can tell you is you will make the situation much MUCH worse, and in the end, she is going to have to choose between her family (who raised her and gave her life) and you, a guy she's be dating for a few months (in secret, nonetheless). It seems even if her mother does not ask her to marry Boss, she will MOST DEFINITELY force her to break up with you (and if she chooses you (which i highly doubt), it will be a huge mark on both her and her family). Leave the whole "you and her" situation till AFTER this situation gets resolved (which is really just between her and her mother, and should have nothing to do with you).

So back to the arranged marriage situation. She just needs to talk to her mother and have her mother understand that she is really against this, and how she feels, etc, etc. But from reading your OP, it seems to me that she actually thinks the arranged marriage may be a good idea. First off, arranged marriages aren't as bad as people think (much lower divorce rate), and secondly, Boss would provide for both her and her family (is her family poor?) and bring a lot of "respect" to the family (once again, this is VERY important in Chinese culture). To her, she basically has decided its worth sacrificing some happiness for her entire family's happiness (i'm sure a lot of us would make a similiar sacrifice, no?), and that maybe in the end it WILL actually work out better. And if it doesn't, if she needs to get a divorce (or whatever) it won't be any worse than if she complete rejects/abandons her family now.

So she has two options, either talk her mom out of it, or go through with it. Breaking off ties with the family is just as bad (if not worse) then marrying the guy, and then divorcing/running away if it doesn't work out.

[Anacardo]

If she really loves you then why is she seriously considering marrying some random geezer? My conception of love doesn't square with that. I admit that my biases w/ regards to this sort of thing are big enough to blot out the sun, but this whole thing reeks of bad. Her behavior, the 'I love you but oh I just don't know' routine, the you seeing her as a victim, etc. etc. etc. It would be a refreshing change if this sort of thing worked out for the better, for once, but I've yet to see it.

[Anacardo]

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don't listen to anyone that is telling you to stand up for yourself. As chinese person, all i can tell you is you will make the situation much MUCH worse, and in the end, she is going to have to choose between her family (who raised her and gave her life) and you, a guy she's be dating for a few months (in secret, nonetheless). It seems even if her mother does not ask her to marry Boss, she will MOST DEFINITELY force her to break up with you (and if she chooses you (which i highly doubt), it will be a huge mark on both her and her family). Leave the whole "you and her" situation till AFTER this situation gets resolved (which is really just between her and her mother, and should have nothing to do with you).

So back to the arranged marriage situation. She just needs to talk to her mother and have her mother understand that she is really against this, and how she feels, etc, etc. But from reading your OP, it seems to me that she actually thinks the arranged marriage may be a good idea. First off, arranged marriages aren't as bad as people think (much lower divorce rate), and secondly, Boss would provide for both her and her family (is her family poor?) and bring a lot of "respect" to the family (once again, this is VERY important in Chinese culture). To her, she basically has decided its worth sacrificing some happiness for her entire family's happiness (i'm sure a lot of us would make a similiar sacrifice, no?), and that maybe in the end it WILL actually work out better. And if it doesn't, if she needs to get a divorce (or whatever) it won't be any worse than if she complete rejects/abandons her family now.

So she has two options, either talk her mom out of it, or go through with it. Breaking off ties with the family is just as bad (if not worse) then marrying the guy, and then divorcing/running away if it doesn't work out.

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I don't know quite how to say this, so I'll just put it out there: You're being an apologist for an awful, awful culture, or at least awful, awful aspects of a culture.

[dknightx]

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don't listen to anyone that is telling you to stand up for yourself. As chinese person, all i can tell you is you will make the situation much MUCH worse, and in the end, she is going to have to choose between her family (who raised her and gave her life) and you, a guy she's be dating for a few months (in secret, nonetheless). It seems even if her mother does not ask her to marry Boss, she will MOST DEFINITELY force her to break up with you (and if she chooses you (which i highly doubt), it will be a huge mark on both her and her family). Leave the whole "you and her" situation till AFTER this situation gets resolved (which is really just between her and her mother, and should have nothing to do with you).

So back to the arranged marriage situation. She just needs to talk to her mother and have her mother understand that she is really against this, and how she feels, etc, etc. But from reading your OP, it seems to me that she actually thinks the arranged marriage may be a good idea. First off, arranged marriages aren't as bad as people think (much lower divorce rate), and secondly, Boss would provide for both her and her family (is her family poor?) and bring a lot of "respect" to the family (once again, this is VERY important in Chinese culture). To her, she basically has decided its worth sacrificing some happiness for her entire family's happiness (i'm sure a lot of us would make a similiar sacrifice, no?), and that maybe in the end it WILL actually work out better. And if it doesn't, if she needs to get a divorce (or whatever) it won't be any worse than if she complete rejects/abandons her family now.

So she has two options, either talk her mom out of it, or go through with it. Breaking off ties with the family is just as bad (if not worse) then marrying the guy, and then divorcing/running away if it doesn't work out.

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I don't know quite how to say this, so I'll just put it out there: You're being an apologist for an awful, awful culture, or at least awful, awful aspects of a culture.

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im not being an apologist for anything, im just telling you how it is. and by "i'm sure a lot of us would make a similiar sacrifice, no?" i wasnt saying we would all get arranged marriages for our parents sake, i was saying that it shouldnt be shocking if she decides her parents happiness is more important than hers. btw, calm down.