Weighty issue I feel powerless to handle (Longest Post Ever OMG)

[Dur13l]

I lurk too much and post too little.

The key here is her father. If YOU are to talk to someone, it has to be her father, never the mother.

Her father is in a marriage and not happy. He may see that as the future for his daughter by marrying "Boss", but as he doesn't see another route for May, he might as well take it.

I'd do this:
1- Try to convince May to talk to mom, and explain she would'nt be happy with boss, blabla, never mentioning you. If it doesnt work out:
2- Either you talk to Father, or get her to talk to Father...

[Hellmouth]

[ QUOTE ]
Hi Joker,

I am chinese and:
1. No, not many arranged marriages anymore. As you mentioned yourself, this Boss-business came about after some perceived relationship failures.
2. Chinese society and families are different than Western ones. You need to know that if you continue this relationship, that in the back of May's mind, its with the intention of it ending up in marriage. That's pretty much standard w/ most gals across the board. However, the chinese part figures in, in that<ul type="square">[*]Chinese families expect you to stay married, pretty much no matter what. That's double-y true if she's got a very religious background and triple-y true if kids are involved. It's not fair, but Chinese people are very suspicious of the depth of marriage-commitment of Westerners. They feel like Westerners are too frivolous with the commitment aspect of marriage.[*]There'll always be pressure on her to prove that you were a right or good choice. Meaning, you might have to make some effort to overcome language barriers, look past/forgive unjustified prejudices, sacrificing your own free time to just be around during family get-togethers/events. And if she really is from a traditional family, her folks/family WILL be plenty present/involved in her life.[*]There'll be pressure with kids, as, in old-school Chinese thinking, it's a pretty much standard expectation/function in marriage. Plus she's not 20, she's 28.[/list]We are taught from an early age to obey our parents. Conversely our parents have a different set of societal expectations and by-and-large, are supposed to have our best interests at heart.

I may've missed it in your post, but aside from all the Boss/May's-mom craziness, have you talked to May herself at all about where things are going? If you guys have some similar goals/directions/timelines for your lives?

[/ QUOTE ]

Good points. One of my good friends (white guy) married an Asian girl. It took her family a long time to accept him but he did things like start learning Manderin and they lived with her family for a while while looking for a house so they all became much closer. He is also a very easy going guy so I suspect that he doesn't bring up the friction that must occur from time to time.

Greg

[DeezNuts]

[ QUOTE ]
I lurk too much and post too little.

The key here is her father. If YOU are to talk to someone, it has to be her father, never the mother.

Her father is in a marriage and not happy. He may see that as the future for his daughter by marrying "Boss", but as he doesn't see another route for May, he might as well take it.

I'd do this:
1- Try to convince May to talk to mom, and explain she would'nt be happy with boss, blabla, never mentioning you. If it doesnt work out:
2- Either you talk to Father, or get her to talk to Father...

[/ QUOTE ]

You obviously don't know the dynamics of a traditional Chinese family. The mother wields all the power, the father is a eunuch.

[Bond18]

"You obviously don't know the dynamics of a traditional Chinese family. The mother wields all the power, the father is a eunuch."

In my experience, this is about 80% true. From what it seems like the man basically leaves the vast majority of decision making up to the woman, but also isn't totally incapable of being assertive in rare cases. Appealing to him, though again a likely long shot, would at least be worth trying no?

[SonofDjugashvili]

How old did you say you were PJ, 23? Sorry if I am wrong. But that is way too young to be making life-changing commitments. Do not put yourself into a situation where YOU are THE cause of the break-down of the mother/daughter relationship - you are now stuck with May (and even moreso because of the underlying guilt/moral responsibility). You will paint yourself into a corner. Do not give any advice beyond generic, do not confront Mom/Boss/Father - you think you are in love, but a lot of it is your ego. If you are the usual 23 year-old male - you will be in "love" many more times. Real life isn't like Romeo &amp; Juliet.

[private joker]

[ QUOTE ]
How old did you say you were PJ, 23?

[/ QUOTE ]

I didn't say, and no I am not 23.

[ QUOTE ]
you will be in "love" many more times.

[/ QUOTE ]

Jesus Christ, kill me now if all my future feelings need air quotes around them.

SonOfStalin, I "disagree" with your "post." But I do thank you, and everyone -- whether they rambled on with armchair psychological pontificating and smug cliches or made strong, sharp observations about the cultural divide -- for at least attempting sincerity and advice. It's been an educational thread for me and not as embarrassing as I'd feared (given the typical direction of girl-advice threads on 2+2). The jokes were good too.

But after this recent spate of irrelevance, I think the thread has, as the admins like to say, run its course.

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[El Diablo]

All,

Per his request, please PM pj any further questions/comments regarding this thread.