Weighty issue I feel powerless to handle (Longest Post Ever OMG)

[Isura]

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Okay, I just went over to the OOT thread too.

From that thread:

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In fact, she just texted me to tell me she was stuck in traffic that was so bad that she met a guy on the freeway and he gave her his number. How am I supposed to react to that? If I even hint that this bothers me, she implies that I'm insulting her by implying she might cheat on me with some random stranger.

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This is beyond terrible.
This girl is f-ing with you.
No f-ing way anyone should think that saying something like that is appropriate or funny.

She might be really cool 98% of the time but this is a REALLY bad sign.

No matter how head-over-heels you are for this girl I'm thinking the break-up and accompanying head-games has to happen sometime.

Reminds me of a semi-similar situation I had way back in the day with a really awesome but very infrequently kind of head-game girl. Heart-break sucks but looking back on it we definitely made the right decision to end it.


edit to add - IF she will actually listen to you when you explain that this type of attention-seeking and trying to get a rise out of you or whatever is not appropriate at all and learn that what she did is a mistake then I believe it doesn't have to be a deal-breaker.
But she needs to be able to figure that out soon.
If she argues about how funny she thought she was or just thinks you're over-reacting and doesn't see your point at all then I think 'forget it'.

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Wow, this kind of thing really sucks. And would concern me more than even the crazy mother.

[Anacardo]

PJ,

Going on what little I know about this situation, you need to get the [censored] out of it before it costs you more than it already has, 'costing' being the only likely thing it will do for you.

[private joker]

Microbob:

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I get the impression that he's not really in this for the drama and would be MUCH happier if they could just be happy together and she could introduce him to her parents like a normal GF would and their relationship could proceed like normal.


I also am not sure about the idea of telling him to cut his losses right-away. Maybe there's something to that.
But the dude's in love so that just doesn't strike me as a realistic option at this point.

They do need to have some extended real time together without the other drama-stuff to learn better if they are the real deal though.

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yes yes yes yes.

***

Anyway, I see that recently this thread has taken a bit of a turn to the direction I anticipated (and believe me, a direction I fully sympathize with), which is the instruction to get out. But let me do my best to steer it back if possible, based once again on this statement from my OP:

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And I know some of you may be thinking “give it up, dude, she’s nuts, her family is nuts, and you need to find someone else.” I understand that sentiment, but unfortunately that doesn’t help because a) I don’t really want to leave her; we have too good a time together… and b) that wouldn’t solve her situation at all. The question isn’t whether or not I should stick with her – that’s beside the point. It’s how can I, if possible, help to prevent the imprisonment and selling out of a woman who doesn’t deserve to be abused by her family like this.

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Maybe she and I will split up; maybe we won't. That's for us to decide. But what I'm hoping you guys can do -- based on experiences you've had with similar situations, and knowledge about Chinese culture (as many great posts have granted thus far) -- is shed some light on what's going on with her family and what might be done to prevent her from completely submitting to the will of unreasonable parents.

[jeffnc]

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To jeffnc: There are pockets of super-religious Chinese in this country. I would not discount May's mom's religious fervor.

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I'm not sure what you mean. My point was that PJ was asking if this was normal for traditional Chinese. The fact that there are "pockets" means no, it is not. I'm not
"discounting" her fervor, I'm saying it's not typical Chinese.

[gumpzilla]

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Maybe she and I will split up; maybe we won't. That's for us to decide. But what I'm hoping you guys can do -- based on experiences you've had with similar situations, and knowledge about Chinese culture (as many great posts have granted thus far) -- is shed some light on what's going on with her family and what might be done to prevent her from completely submitting to the will of unreasonable parents.

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But this direction is completely fruitless. You can do nothing. She can make up her mind to give up on her family if she chooses. Maybe she'll get lucky and they'll relent in the short term rather than the long.

Also, while the cultural side of things is somewhat relevant, the more general theme of "my parents don't like my man" is a pretty broad one, so I'm not sure what kind of ancient Chinese secret will be the key to unlocking this.

[turnipmonster]

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what might be done to prevent her from completely submitting to the will of unreasonable parents.


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have you considered it might not really be your place to do anything about this? this is a grown woman from LA of all places, if she is smart and independent then it really seems to me like this is her decision to make.

[uclaben]

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But what I'm hoping you guys can do -- based on experiences you've had with similar situations, and knowledge about Chinese culture (as many great posts have granted thus far) -- is shed some light on what's going on with her family and what might be done to prevent her from completely submitting to the will of unreasonable parents.

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Thing is, you already know the answer to this question.

In order for her not to submit completely to the will of her parents...she needs to stop submitting to their will. There are two components to that: she has to want to, and then she has to have the strength to actually go ahead with it. There is nothing you can do about the former - she is either going to make that leap or she won't. As for the latter, well, there's not really anything you can do about that, either, at least directly. If it gets to that point, I think the best thing you could do is refer her to a good psychiatrist. This situation is extremely difficult, but not particularly complex. Her parents are not going to be down with your relationship. If you two wish to remain together, she's going to have to drop la familia. I think that's about it; there's no real way of sugar-coating it or making it easier, she's just going to have to drop them.

Let me suggest to you, however, that maybe this isn't really about her - maybe it's actually about you. Dr. Drew on Loveline has a label for guys that tend to wind up with these kind of girls; he calls them "fixers." I myself have fallen into this group at various periods of my life. The idea is that it fulfills you in some way to seek out women who have trouble at home, mentally, physically, whatever, and provide them with the answer to their problems. I'm not saying that this is you, but it sounds like it could be judging by the way you've described the situation. If this is the case, I can tell you from experience - it's not a good idea. You will be banging your head against the wall trying to force a square peg into a round hole, and your life will suffer for it.

Just something to think about. Best of luck with this situation.

[jeffnc]

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But what I'm hoping you guys can do -- based on experiences you've had with similar situations, and knowledge about Chinese culture (as many great posts have granted thus far) -- is shed some light on what's going on with her family and what might be done to prevent her from completely submitting to the will of unreasonable parents.

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First, understanding Chinese culture isn't going to help a whole lot because for all practical purposes, her mom is nuts, not Chinese. Second, it sounds like you're trying to help save someone from drowning or something, but that is not the situation. This is not so simple as her just being a victim and needing a knight in shining armour. This is about her figuring out what she really wants. If she's drowning in 3 feet of water and all she has to do is put her feet on the ground, why does she need you exactly? She might need your support as she figures her way out, but she doesn't need you to find her way out. Or to put it another way, you really don't want to be involved with anyone who needs you to solve their problems for them. She needs a good therapist. You can support her by helping her find one and then being there to listen after her sessions.

[Hellmouth]

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Microbob:

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I get the impression that he's not really in this for the drama and would be MUCH happier if they could just be happy together and she could introduce him to her parents like a normal GF would and their relationship could proceed like normal.


I also am not sure about the idea of telling him to cut his losses right-away. Maybe there's something to that.
But the dude's in love so that just doesn't strike me as a realistic option at this point.

They do need to have some extended real time together without the other drama-stuff to learn better if they are the real deal though.

[/ QUOTE ]

yes yes yes yes.

***

Anyway, I see that recently this thread has taken a bit of a turn to the direction I anticipated (and believe me, a direction I fully sympathize with), which is the instruction to get out. But let me do my best to steer it back if possible, based once again on this statement from my OP:

[ QUOTE ]
And I know some of you may be thinking “give it up, dude, she’s nuts, her family is nuts, and you need to find someone else.” I understand that sentiment, but unfortunately that doesn’t help because a) I don’t really want to leave her; we have too good a time together… and b) that wouldn’t solve her situation at all. The question isn’t whether or not I should stick with her – that’s beside the point. It’s how can I, if possible, help to prevent the imprisonment and selling out of a woman who doesn’t deserve to be abused by her family like this.

[/ QUOTE ]

Maybe she and I will split up; maybe we won't. That's for us to decide. But what I'm hoping you guys can do -- based on experiences you've had with similar situations, and knowledge about Chinese culture (as many great posts have granted thus far) -- is shed some light on what's going on with her family and what might be done to prevent her from completely submitting to the will of unreasonable parents.

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If it were your parents and the situation were reversed would you expect that she could do something?

This is a problem that for better or for worse you are along for the ride. You have already professed to feel powerless. It is because for the most part you are. There is really not much that you can do.

The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself (thats where all the "run away" comments are coming from). However, since that is not an option, the best thing you can do is to lend May support as she tries to deal with the situation. In the mean time, as the good Dr mentioned above, use this situation as a catalyst to do a little self reflection and figure out why you only want inaccessible women. That way if things don't work, you won't end up reliving this a second time.

Regards,
Greg

[Anacardo]

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In the mean time, as the good Dr mentioned above, use this situation as a catalyst to do a little self reflection and figure out why you only want inaccessible women. That way if things don't work, you won't end up reliving this a second time.

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Lines like this strike me, an observer, as really stupid and presumptuous, so I can only imagine what Joker makes of them.