any way to charge laptop through the usb slots?

[BiPolar_Nut]

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come up with a clever yet not completely condescending analogy for why this wouldn't work.

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Charging a laptop battery via the USB cable would be analogous to filling your car's fuel tank by pouring gas into the glovebox. Arguably, it could be done w/ modifications...or if it were designed that way from the factory. Otherwise,

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No.

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Edit: Some laptops are a nightmare to solder power jacks back on their boards. Others are easy. It's broken anyway, might as well try soldering.