New to OOT. Have custody of my nephews. LONG

[EddieMoney22]

I knew by posting this I was goint to get some childish comments and I decided I wouldn't let it bother me.

Although I do feel that my wife is being a little selfish I also feel that she has that right which is what makes this so difficult. If it was just her being a B**** then I would say ok we are done. But She has tried for over a year. She really didn't start complaning until about 3 months ago that she can't take it anymore.

We have stuck by each other through some very tough times in the past so It's not like Im just finding out about here when the times finally got tough.

But at the same time as I said earlier Giving them up to foster care would be more that difficult for me.

Now onto BB I understand alot of what your saying and as I said earlier I opened myself to all of this by posting on a public forum but if you and I were friends sitting somewhere talking and I asked you for advice and you starting with my wife is a Fing B or anything like that I would more than likely try to knock your teeth down your throat. I know its your opinion but I think you are getting a little carried away.

[Big Bend]

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Now onto BB I understand alot of what your saying and as I said earlier I opened myself to all of this by posting on a public forum but if you and I were friends sitting somewhere talking and I asked you for advice and you starting with my wife is a Fing B or anything like that I would more than likely try to knock your teeth down your throat. I know its your opinion but I think you are getting a little carried away.

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You're right, and I have apologized and do mean it. I'm sure your wife is a wonderful person in most regards, and I'm sorry this has affected her so. I know this is a tough time for everybody.

But you know what the right thing to do is, as difficult as it will be. Are you going to be happy with your wife if she makes you turn the kids over to foster care? I love my wife dearly, but I wouldn't be able to handle it if she made me turn my brother's kids over to the state, a horrific fate when family alternatives do exist.

Do what you know is best, it'll all work out somehow.

Sorry again.. I get too emotional when I see kids suffer needlessly. My brother, sister and I wouldn't be where we are today without the care of extended family when our parents both died way too young. My aunt literally kept my sister (her niece) alive during all the trauma when she was going thru horrific eating disorders as a result, and that was VERY VERY difficult for my aunt. Fortunately my uncle supported his wife, and my sister is alive today. That is what family is for. In another case my wife's aunt is raising her step-daughter's children cause the daughter is on crack. Those are even less related to her than your nephews are to you.. but SOMEONE has to take care of the kids. Those that dump the kids off with the government, when they are perfectly capable of doing the job, are just doing a HUGE injustice to the innocent children.

Good luck and do take care. You can handle all this, you are stronger than you think, and the kids need you now more than ever. You will be rewarded some day by sticking with the kids.

BB

[4_2_it]

OP,

Would it help if you laid out an endgame for your wife? Something like, we do this until old kid is 18 and then he is gone. At that time either Mom has cleaned up and can take younger kid, some one else steps up or he goes to foster care. Not an ideal solution for either her or the kids, but it's not unreasonable and you could hardly be considered callous or selfish by taking that approach (or working out something similar).

Sounds like you and your wife need some alone time to reconnect. When is the last time you took a vaction with just her?

[EddieMoney22]

Thanks BB I understand the emotion.

42 - You are right we are really in need of a vacation just ourselves. The last one we took was to LV just before we got the boys. Since then it's been family camping trips.

Just an FYI we talked last night. Here is what are gameplan is. I am calling the Social worker today to see fi they can get my mother's Petition in time for our Dec. 14th court date. We just found out yesterday that my sister is in for long term (3 more months) If My Mother's petition is denied we will keep the boys until the end of the school year. At that time Hopefully my sister will be ok but if not the 12 (13 at that time) will be going to My Aunt's who is a last resort. She is older and really doesn't want or need to take on a 13 year old but will to help out. The 17 year old will just be a few months from 18 and will stay with My Mother for the Summer and be 18 before school starts.

So again Dec. 14th is the important date right now.

We also spoke with the boys about this to let them know it's not there fault they never asked to be put in this situation and never did anything to be put in this situation.

[RoundGuy]

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My brother, sister and I wouldn't be where we are today without the care of extended family when our parents both died way too young.

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BB, I too am 43, married 23 years to one amazing wife, with 2 kids.

What you wrote above is the background that was missing. It sheds a whole new light on your position in this thread. While I do not change my position one iota, I certainly have a much better understanding of yours -- and respect it.

As for tripsearching, [censored] you. You obviously didn't read my context post later. I adore my kids AND my wife, and would gladly give my life for any of them without hesitation.

[kantu]

You are in a really tough spot. just to let you know, as a foster parent, i can assure you that being placed in foster care isn't the worst thing in the world. it is much better for kids to be with family, but, foster parents can provide a great home for kids.

we have to do a lot of training, behavioral stuff, so we are ready for the issues of children that are placed with us. we offer them a loving home, and constant support until their parents get their act together, or the state revokes custody.

i can't speak for any other foster parents, but my wife and i do this to help kids, and help their families.

good luck

[gobbomom]

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I've read all the replies. While I'm sensitive to the other point of view, there's no way this is fair to your wife.

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There is no solution that is fair to all parties. Obviously she has some reason to feel aggrieved, but I'd like to think that in this situation I would be tolerant.

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Life isn't fair. When you marry someone, its supposed to be thru sickness and health, good times and bad. I personally think it is totally unfair of the wife to demand the nephews be sent to foster care. If my wife suddenly had to adopt her sister's 3 kids, I don't care what the struggles were, we'd work it out as a family.

No way the kids should be sent back to foster care, not when you are perfectly capable of raising them. Yes it'll be a HUGE sacrifice for you and your wife. But that is what family is all about. Other people have had to raise kids in far more demanding circumstances than this, and they've survived it all somehow.

Dump the wife and take care of the kids by yourself if you have to. The life of a child is precious and more important than your marriage in this case. I really feel that way.

10+ years from now when the kids are grown and have a brigh future, you'll be glad you stuck it out. Turn them over to the government and things go bad, you may never forgive yourself (or your wife).

Good luck.. BB

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I agree with this. You are a very honorable man O.P. and I feel for you in this situation. A 12 year old is a child, and he needs to know someone loves him through thick and thin. Your wife is an adult, and she needs to suck it up. If you give up these kids, you'll never feel good about yourself again.

[4_2_it]

eddie,

Your gameplan sounds very well thought out and seems to address everyone's needs. I wish you well. Now surprise your wife with a 4-day cruise in the next month. Travel Zoo always has good deals about now.

[iambusto]

I dont understand the hate for OP's wife. OP's wife DID NOT sign up for having kids. If she was a "family person" then ok i might go along with some arguments. remember we are talking about a couple that doesnt want kids.

How is it fair to OP's wife. we are talking about troubled kids with a screwed up mother. OP's wife might be trembling at the thought of having to survive these brats for eternity.

I pity OP's situation. like i said before, its your responsiblity to make amends of every royal f****ups.

keep the wife, ditch the nephews. you dont even want kids of your own and you are going to provide shelter from 2 effed up kids.

[Tuco]

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You sound like a nice guy who cares about his family even though they may be a bunch of [censored] ups so I will give you some serious advice. Tell your wife to stop being so selfish, sometimes there are things in this world that are out of her control. This is one of those times. You have a responsibility to these children at this point and putting them back into foster care would be wrong and possibly/probably detrimental to their well being. I am actually surprised anyone could be married to a woman who is so selfish that she wants to put these children back into foster care.

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This advice is exactly right. If your wife can't see the good she is doing for two children that you obviously care very much for then she is amazingly selfish. To get rid of the kids so she can go shopping or get her hair done makes me happy that she never had any. I realize that she didn't have them because she didn't want the responsibility but that doesn't change the fact that she is showing some true colors here. These are kids for christs sake.

Tell her to suck it up. It's a few more years of "inconvienence" for a lifetime of knowing you went to bat for her family and the human race.

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I also think children need to be slapped on occasion if they misbehave so they know there are consequences. What you should do is get your belt out and use it on the 17 years, the 12 year and your wife when necessary so everyone knows who the man in the house is. All problems solved.

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This advice is terrible. Take a belt to a 17 year old? LOL. This isn't 1920.

Tuco.