New to OOT. Have custody of my nephews. LONG - Page 5

MissT74 · #41 11-06-2007, 05:44 PM

I have to agree with Big Bend. RoundGuy, you're logic just seems SO off base to me. So what if the kids are almost out of the house, I know that the daughter/mother bond I have with my child will NEVER go away and she can be 45 and I'd still give my life for her. Can't say the same about a spouse.

T

EddieMoney22 · #42 11-06-2007, 05:45 PM

oddjob - The funny part is we got the better two kids. The 15 year old I knew was trouble from the begging as he has always been a troubled kid. He has been in cousuling since he was 7. He has a habit of stealing from everyone. He smokes, skips school amother other things. I love him to but even I couldn't deal with that. That's why when my sister said she would take one she offered to take the 15 year old knowing we were never parents and no way we could handle that. ( obv. very nice of her)

Blackkeys - She said she loves me very much but doesn't know how much longer she can handle it. She doesn't want me to have to chose between her and blood but sometimes we have to make a choice. She spent most of the evening lying in Bed crying. So I took the boys out of the house for a while just to let her have some alone time. Hey I am outta her for the night. Everyone have a good night. Thanks agian.

NT - I might pick your brain for some more info soon, If you don't mind..

microbet · #43 11-06-2007, 05:47 PM

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I think most people would find your favoring your wife over your children to be upside down.

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My post sounded much colder than it is. I don't favor my wife over my children, however, in about 3 years my youngest will be off to college. In 10 years, I expect both of my children will have started their own families, and they will have a wife or husband of their own (who will, of course, be more important to them than I).

I will still be with my wife for another 30 years or so.

In that context, do you understand why I put my wife at the highest level of importance?

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Yeah, I thought about saying something like 'when my kids are 15 and 17 it might be different.' They are 5 and 7 now.

RoundGuy · #44 11-06-2007, 05:48 PM

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Wives come and go, can always get another one if necessary.

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I'd still give my life for her. Can't say the same about a spouse.

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Wow. Just, wow. If this is the level of importance our culture currently puts on marriage, it's no wonder we're all so [censored] up.

I just cannot wrap my mind around this kind of thinking. I would gladly give my life for my children AND my wife. Wow.

Mr. Philosophy · #45 11-06-2007, 05:49 PM

I just love how social workers feel an old lady will have the ability to spank three boys at those ages. I'm pretty sure the bigger concern would be if they were to attack her in some way.

VoraciousReader · #46 11-06-2007, 05:51 PM

Some of you are being terribly hard on OP's wife, who has really been a trooper up until now.

OP's wife is probably fearing that sister will never get her act together and that she will be raising the 12 year old for the next 6 years. For someone that never wanted to be a parent, this is a grim prospect.

And, OP, you can talk as much as you want about not asking her to be a mother, but she is being forced to parent as long as the kids are in the house. She can't just "be an aunt", because she has to be an authority figure.

It doesn't seem like it's as simple as "side with your wife", though, because you're going to feel resentful and guilty if you send the boys to foster care, which will also hurt your relationship with your wife. And of course, it's not in their best interest either.

I hope you and your wife are getting counseling for yourselves, not just the boys, to help you work this out. There's no perfect answer here.

[warm thoughts]

MissT74 · #47 11-06-2007, 05:51 PM

I think it's the level of importance our culture currently put on OUR CHILDREN.

You have to choose between saving your wife's life or your child's life, you must only choose one. According to your post, you'll choose your wife because the kid is almost out of the house. Just makes no sense to me. I would always save the child. Just my opinion though.....

T

microbet · #48 11-06-2007, 05:52 PM

Anyway, maybe let's not get carried away in the spouse v. children wars. OP has his unique circumstances. Hopefully the rest of us will be able to love our spouses and our children.

RoundGuy · #49 11-06-2007, 06:00 PM

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You have to choose between saving your wife's life or your child's life, you must only choose one. According to your post, you'll choose your wife

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No, because if I did that my wife would never forgive me -- because she would gladly give her life for her children. See how that works? Of course I would save the children first. That's what mothers and fathers do. And I don't believe this contradicts my original premise of the importance I put on my wife.

In any case, I pray daily that situation will never present itself.

VoraciousReader · #50 11-06-2007, 06:01 PM

Also, fwiw, I think that the absolute best things that can happen to children are:

1. A stable, loving marriage between their parents, and the security that comes from knowing that.

2. Learning that they are not the center of the universe and that they can not always have everything their own way.

I think putting a spouse first encourages both things to happen.