Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players

[pfapfap]

Let me preface this by saying that, as a dealer, I feel my job is to shut up and deal, appropriate to the level and game. My goal is not to antagonize, but to assist.

That said, what are some effective (or at least amusing) responses to problem players/situations? I'm hoping fellow dealers will help me out here, as I'm a better writer than quick-witted orator... feed my stockpile, as it were.

What prompted this was this morning I was dealing to someone who kept talking about the board. When asked pointedly not to, he said, "all I'm doing is saying there was a straight and now there's a full house." Yes, exactly right, that's what you're doing, that's the problem.

Anyway, right after that and right before I had the floor come over to explain it to him, he said one of those "I've been playing longer than you've been alive" type of comments, which I ignored. Five minutes too late, I thought: "I'd have thought in all that time you'd have learned to behave like an adult."

The table also didn't like this guy, so I think that'd have helped a lot (or at least gotten me a talking-to by my boss), so I gotta remember it for the future. Anyone have other situations/comments they've seen or would like to? How well did it work to actually diffuse the situation?

[pfapfap]

Something I say sometimes when I'm sure I won't offend anybody when people get all "ooh, if only he had had a pocket pair and you had a better kicker and another ace fell, it'd have been a jackpot!" and keep going on about it:

If my sister had a dick she'd be my brother.

[bav]

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I'd have thought in all that time you'd have learned to behave like an adult."

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BAAAAaaad plan for a dealer to get lippy. I understand letting fly in the heat of the moment, but if a player takes offense you could easily get reported for it. Dealers are supposed to remain professional. PLAYERS...now we get to do verbal battle with each other (up to some hopefully pre-blow-up limit).

[ QUOTE ]
If my sister had a dick she'd be my brother.

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Another example of something any player could say and get away with, but if said by an employee could generate paper reports. Probably a one in a hundred shot some chick at the next table will hear it and be offended and care to report it, but just not a good plan for job longevity (though it may add to job satisfaction for the duration).

If you want to move beyond simple professional responses, you need to be aiming for clever, cute, clean, funny quips that are not insulting.

Sucks to sit in the box and have to put up with crap, but that's a sad part of the job.

[Berge20]

I definately agree Bav, but I'm looking forward to seeing what people have in their arsenal for when I'm sitting at the table with one of these types.

[jacksquat]

funny this subject came up, as i was playing in a MTT this past weekend where the dealer at my table kept doing the same thing. this guy was really good at dealing, following the action, and generally keeping the game flowing very efficiently. unfortunately, he kept commenting on the board. for example, flop is 67T, he would say, who has the 89. i tried to get him to stop by subtly saying things like; "easy there" or "be carefull", but it didn't stop him.
any way, at the first break i take him aside and tell him i thought he was a very good dealer but he needed to watch his comments about the board, as he might be giving out to much info. his only response, "most of these players are too dumb to know what i was talking about."

i just had to walk away.....

[pfapfap]

Agreed, bav, which is why I'm not on high alert to think of witty put-downs. At the same time, at the micro-limits, it surprises me how some of the obnoxious people will get right in line and even start being friendly and tipping well if you talk down to them and put them in their place. Some kind of masochistic thing. I've only had to really scold and borderline insult someone a couple of times, and I felt very weird and dirty doing it, especially when they got all sugar and spice afterwards. Helllooooo childhood issues. I can't imagine EVER saying anything like that to a player at anything above 3/6, and even at that level I don't want to do it. Also why I'm asking for better responses to things, as mine aren't so good. I'm hoping to get a dealer venting thing going on, too. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

As to the sister line... I've only softly muttered it twice. Tho' keep in mind we have dealers who outright swear at players, so there's some context here. But c'mon, it's funny! Sadly, I didn't make it up.

[Mr Rick]

[ QUOTE ]
Something I say sometimes when I'm sure I won't offend anybody when people get all "ooh, if only he had had a pocket pair and you had a better kicker and another ace fell, it'd have been a jackpot!" and keep going on about it:

If I had a sister and she had a dick she'd be my brother.

[/ QUOTE ]
I'm not a dealer - but as a player I'd appreciate it if a dealer did say that (either yours or mine). F**k 'em if they can't take a joke.

The first one wasn't funny enough to take a chance with though...

[bav]

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At the same time, at the micro-limits, it surprises me how some of the obnoxious people will get right in line and even start being friendly and tipping well if you talk down to them and put them in their place.

[/ QUOTE ]

ok. You're a big boy. But I've heard a couple tales of dealers who thought they had a read on a table and thought they could get away with something who found themselves with a writeup in their personnel folders. And I've seen a lot of close calls where the floor or fellow players managed to talk a player down. So tread lightly.

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F**k 'em if they can't take a joke.

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An excellent personal philosophy. Which doesn't work AT ALL in very many places of employment.

[Percula]

In a MTT...

Guy in seat 3, ALWAYS asks "How much is it?" and then sits there for a god awful long time before acting either way on any AI or any raise other than a mini raise.

The dealer is frustrated, hell we are all frustrated at this tard. The guy in the 4 seat, which is about 3 times the size of the guy the 3 seat is really getting frustrated...

Seat 1 goes AI for (1) yellow chip, (3) blue chips, and (2) black chips...

Seat 3: "How much is it?"

Seat 4: "If you could count you would know!"

Seat 3: "I CAN COUNT!"

Seat 4: "So you cant do simple math then..."

Seat 3: "YES I CAN!"

Seat 5(me): "So you are one of these guys that cant walk and chew gum at the same time then..."

Whole table: Silence...

Whole table 5 seconds later: Giggles to rowdy laughter!

[youtalkfunny]

Best one I ever heard happened at the next table over. I'm certain that the dealer deliberately spoke loudly enough to be heard at the next table over. This was the first week the MGM Grand was open:

"Sir, please don't throw the cards. We don't do that here."

I looked up and saw that the dealer had stopped the action, placed his hand on the table in front of the offending player, and was leaning across the table to deliver the message as face-to-face as possible.

You had to hear the guy say the word "here" to get the full context. The way it was spoken, the word "here" was an entire paragraph:

"Look, pal, I don't know where you usually play. And I don't know what kind of disruptive nonsense that place allows to occur at the tables. But right now, you're sitting in a place that has some class, so get with the program. Do I make myself clear?"

This was what, 10-15 years ago? I still remember it word for word. It was that awesome.