jokes you've made IRL that flopped

[neuroman]

[ QUOTE ]
Last week I was at a happy hour with 12 other people, 8 of them girls and they were talking about the Michael Devlin kidnap/rape case in St. Louis. One of the girls commented that they had added a bunch of new rape charges and she was wondering how many and my reply was, "After a certain number of rapes don't they just quit counting them?" which was met by lots of silence by the girls.

[/ QUOTE ]
Ouch. And yeah, I have bombed too many jokes to count, I'm sure.

My favorite though is unfunny "your mom" jokes. I pretty much make these indiscriminately. 98% of the time they are terrible, and 2% of the time they are hilarious.

[popeye18]

I have this one joke that most people havent heard and it usually kills. I dont know if i was off or what but im at a party with a ton of people i dont know, i was drunk and dont know how the conversation led up to it but i say...

"Whats tall green and [censored] old women?"

"What?"

"Me in my lucky green jacket"

dead silence.

[otnemem]

[ QUOTE ]
I have this one joke that most people havent heard and it usually kills. I dont know if i was off or what but im at a party with a ton of people i dont know, i was drunk and dont know how the conversation led up to it but i say...

"Whats tall green and [censored] old women?"

"What?"

"Me in my lucky green jacket"

dead silence.

[/ QUOTE ]
See, I can completely understand why this bombed.

[Big TR]

My wife is generally a terrible joke teller. She decides to try at her cousin's wedding rehearsal dinner.

Idiot calls 911 saying his best friend was accidentally shot. 911 operator asks "Is he dead?" Idiot says hold on. While waiting, the operator hears a gunshot. Idiot comes back and says "He is now."

She got nothing but glares from most everybody. Her cousin just said "That's not funny" with a horrified look on her face. It was outstanding. I laughed at the attempt since she actually nailed the timing and pseudo drama, which is a rare feat for her.

[anklebreaker]

[ QUOTE ]
My wife is generally a terrible joke teller. She decides to try at her cousin's wedding rehearsal dinner.

Idiot calls 911 saying his best friend was accidentally shot. 911 operator asks "Is he dead?" Idiot says hold on. While waiting, the operator hears a gunshot. Idiot comes back and says "He is now."

She got nothing but glares from most everybody. Her cousin just said "That's not funny" with a horrified look on her face. It was outstanding. I laughed at the attempt since she actually nailed the timing and pseudo drama, which is a rare feat for her.

[/ QUOTE ]

That joke (when told correctly) is supposedly the world's funniest joke.
Goes a lil something like this:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[KLJ]

[ QUOTE ]
I have this one joke that most people havent heard and it usually kills. I dont know if i was off or what but im at a party with a ton of people i dont know, i was drunk and dont know how the conversation led up to it but i say...

"Whats tall green and [censored] old women?"

"What?"

"Me in my lucky green jacket"

dead silence.

[/ QUOTE ]

first one i laughed hard about

[grando]

I'm waiting tables in Ontario and in the fall we get all these Americans coming up and hunting/fishing - they all tip amazing.

so these 4 American guys come in and take a seat at the semi-casual restaurant I was at. these guys are total American hunters - overweight, big manly men. they're ordering rounds of Bud and JD and finally they order food.

guy 1: I'll have bla bla bla bla
guy 2: yeah make it 2
guy 3: so, what about your pizza?
me: what would you like to know?
guy 3: so how big is it about?
me: 12 inches - about 8 inches more than you're used to
guys: .....

[THAY3R]

[ QUOTE ]
I have this one joke that most people havent heard and it usually kills. I dont know if i was off or what but im at a party with a ton of people i dont know, i was drunk and dont know how the conversation led up to it but i say...

"Whats green and [censored] little boys?"

"What?"

"St. Patrick"



[/ QUOTE ]

FYJ

[Budget Boy]

Once I was over at a good friend's place, his wife was an anthropology grad student and several of her grad student friends were over. There was a preview for the movie "Code Talkers" on and someone made a comment about what a great contribution the Navajo made, their unique language, blah blah blah. So I said "I don't know isn't it all pretty much just WWWHOOBOOBOOBOOBOOBOO" (like slapping my hand in front of my mouth making an Indian war cry). My one buddy (a sociopath FWIW) starts laughing hysterically, everyone else in the room is silent and looking at me like I'm the most ignorant POS they've ever seen.

[miajag]

[ QUOTE ]
Once I was over at a good friend's place, his wife was an anthropology grad student and several of her grad student friends were over. There was a preview for the movie "Code Talkers" on and someone made a comment about what a great contribution the Navajo made, their unique language, blah blah blah. So I said "I don't know isn't it all pretty much just WWWHOOBOOBOOBOOBOOBOO" (like slapping my hand in front of my mouth making an Indian war cry). My one buddy (a sociopath FWIW) starts laughing hysterically, everyone else in the room is silent and looking at me like I'm the most ignorant POS they've ever seen.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is awesome.