college essay help

[tshort]

Welcome to 2+2: Student Life. a.k.a. the college admission essay review forum.

Really good theme, intro, conclusion, and general organization. This is much better than any I've seen posted on here.

Some grammatical errors:

1. "children using rugby just to ease the pain of hunger"

I don't know that exercise eases hunger. Distracts from, maybe.

2. "I've made a pact to myself..."

A "pact" typically involves multiple parties.

3. "we've done concrete ways to help the poor."

"we've made concrete progress in helping the poor"