Cover Letter / Resume Hilarity

[Los Feliz Slim]

So I'm hiring again and I posted my listing on Craigslist. I get some great resumes when I do this, but I get some really, really, stupid people, too. Here are some examples of stuff I've gotten in the last couple of days. WTF is the matter with people?

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Education

1944-1978 -High School Diploma High School , Poland

1978-1980 -Teachers Diploma Teachers College, Poland

1991-1994 -Hairdressing Diploma Midland Avenue College, Ontario, Canada

1992-1993 -Colorist Diploma Coloring School “Color Club For Hair”, Toronto, Ont. Canada

2001-2002 -Goldwell Educator Certificate Goldwell College, Toronto, Ont. Canada

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Hello nice to meet you, my name is XXXXXXXXX. I saw your posting and I completely fell in love with this opportunity. It just feels right, the whole being around people with good sence of humor, anmd being able to have my same personality that I do aswell as my job. Im gonna be honest, im currently working at this substance abuse rehab center, but the ambience isnt exactly for my sort of personality, I find myself depressed, specially when I see all these people I can't help. I hope this doesnt lessen my opportunities for this opening. Thank you so much for your time and consideration taken towards my resume. Please be sure to contact me as soon as possible to interview. Hope to hear from you soon! [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

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My name is XXXXXXXXXX. I would love to be considered for the assistant position!! I have the skills to pay the bills and most say i am funny!!! I think? Most of my training is in restaurant management but I absorb knowledge like a sponge. Anywho, I just really don't wanna go back to the restaurant game. I do have some experience in TV. I had a great lil gig on STUDIO 60 last year doing cue cards. There was alot of pressure to deal with on that set and I lasted for 22 episodes. XXXXXXXX is the best number to reach me. Thanks again!

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[mosdef]

You really must interview these people and provide trip reports on each.

[DonkeyKongSr]

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1992-1993 -Colorist Diploma Coloring School “Color Club For Hair”, Toronto, Ont. Canada

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I think I'm going to go there for graduate school.

[jjshabado]

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1992-1993 -Colorist Diploma Coloring School “Color Club For Hair”, Toronto, Ont. Canada

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I think I'm going to go there for graduate school.

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I didn't read the whole thread, so maybe this has been pointed out already, but this is clearly a fraud. If it were real it would be the: Colourist Diploma Colouring School “Colour Club For Hair”

[NajdorfDefense]

# "Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

# "Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

# "Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

# "My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

# "Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

# "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

# "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."

# "I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."

# "Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."

# "Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."

# "My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

# "Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

# "Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

# "Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."

# "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

# "Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

http://www.rinkworks.com/said/resume.shtml

[Case Closed]

34 Years in high school is pretty standard.

[RoundGuy]

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34 Years in high school is pretty standard for Polish people.

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[img]/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]

[MediaPA]

Please post the job ad. I'm looking for a new job. I'm a failed poker player but have excellent math skills and can be trusted with large sums of money.

[tuq]

LFS,

Welcome to the world of hiring.

I once worked with a really dumb chick who wrecked the English language. One of her greatest hits was saying "fruitation" (not a word) instead of "fruition".

So one night working late I was bored and logged onto Monster.com and did an all database search for "fruitation". Here is what I found:

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Project included indentification and installation and/or modification of software currently utilized on both Developers and Production Systems (SAS Base & Intrnet, HTML, Java Scripts, FTP, SiteMinder & NT Security and SafeSource) on both Windows NT and UNIX platforms, assignment of step-by-step activities among departments, system staging and push to bring UAT project to fruitation on time.

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A position where my many years of experience can come to fruitation.

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My objective is to find a good company that will be as loyal to me as I will be to them. I enjoy not only seeing something that I helped create come to fruitation but also to completion.

[/ QUOTE ] (pretty sweet redundancy there.)

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To be able to share in the fruitation of a company's accomplishments.

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I process all accounting duties such as manageing the bank accounts, and filing quarterly sales tax and income tax forms. We work together to bring full musical compilations to fruitation.

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A job where I am aloud (LOL!) to utilize my professional music expertise and related skills to bring the desired results to their full fruitation and to be able to recommend solutions that I have found to be have validity.

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Filenes Inc.,Flex Rep/Manager Trainee-helped collect the “trouble spots” to fruitation and attempted to motivate other representatives to succeed.

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There is this deep inate need to make a contribution to a greater good. To follow a plan and then see it throught to fruitation.

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I like to get with a creative team and start with an idea and see it through to fruitation.

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I believe in completing jobs and will do that bit of extra to bring it to fruitation.

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[tuq]

She also had a problem with "cudos", this turned up only three hits at the time:

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Received numerous cudos from customers for excellent service and customer communication.

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Cudos for outstanding customer service skills.

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Recieved company wide cudos in Verizon Wireless Company Magazine.

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I love how some people can't be bothered to spell check before blasting their qualifications all over the internet.