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  #1  
Old 11-06-2006, 06:22 AM
Nezzar Nezzar is offline
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Default have you ever felt so depressed that you want to commit suicide?

Hi,

in september i won 29 session out of 30. I made over 700K that month.

At the begining of october i lost 500K in five days.

after my first session I was so tired and exhausted that I only made it to my sofa in the living room and collapsed.
when i woke up I immediatly started playing again. After the second session i warmed a piece of garlic bread in the oven and managed to eat half of it before i again collapsed on the sofa...

Third day I ate the rest of the garlic bread in front of the computer while losing again. after my third session i watched some simpsons in my sofa before i fell asleep.

Fourth day i actually ate breakfast, took a shower and made some coffe before i started to play. I lost again and some hours before i made it to my sofa I got a call from the site I play at. "its not your night? is it?" the man said. They recommended that i would call it a night and stop playing. Do you think i listened?

On the fith day i immediatly went online and played. Now i had started to get really depressed... i felt so bad inside but i just couldnt stop playing. I thought of my parents who doesnt have alot of money and my sister who is going to a school in london which isnt supported by the swedish student loan thing so she has to struggle hard to afford to go there... I lost this session also.

But now i left before i was tired and sleepy and watched simpsons for the rest of the night and morning. How wonderful the simpson life seem. I watched simpsons for at least 6 hours... They gave me such comfort. I spent the whole weekend wacthing simspons without playing poker.

finally it was a new week... in the morning the girl that cleans my appartment came and said i looked like [censored]. "yeah i feel like [censored] also" i said. she made me shower and shave myself, then she took me for lunch. When we stepped out in the sunlight i was blinded. I hadnt seen daylight for a week. She took my arm and led me towards lunch. I heard all these people walking, talking, going on with their daily lives as i was walking... the sounds were a strange but welcomed noise and i finally got my eyes adjusted and saw all these poeple! amazing!

after we had lunch i felt a little better. I called all the friends i had and talked to them. Telling them about what had happend and such. i felt a little better.

Then my room m8 who had been in dublin for the week came back. we went to play tennis and then hit the gym. I felt better. but still, i was deppressed.

When i finally started to play again i won. but i was very afriad when i played. my confidence was shattered. i wondered if i had just been lucky to make it where i am. VARIANCE. what a dreadful word. I hate it. anyway i won again, small but i won. i went down in stakes and started playing 10-20 NL. it felt ok. i still played 50-100 but didnt dare to play too long...


Do you remember the first time you got your ass kicked in a fight? I was 16 and the guy was 20. He was looking for a fight... challenging me with words. I was drunk so i challenged him back. I had friends watching me. I took my jacket of and raised my fist. he stood in front of me with his hands to his sides. Then suddenly my eybrow exploded and i was lying on the ground with him standing over asking if i wanted more...

Before it happend to me i had a innocent feeling, a sense of immortality. After that my spirit had been broken.

another time when there was trouble at the club/disco people came and asked me for my help. I was so embarrassed from the first time that i came and fought their fight for them to restore my pride, even though i was afraid of getting my ass kicked. this time the guy broke my nose with three head-butts.

after this i started to get catuios and when someone bumbed in to me on the dancefloor i just moved away. When someone tried to get me to fight i just walked away or tried to calm him. i was tired of confrontations. if the guy is bigger than u he usally wont back down and will fight u, if the guy is smaller than u he usally wont fight u.. in some cases he gets his "big firend", though...

Anyway the same thing has happend in poker now. im afraid to loose money when i play. not so much as it was at first though... but im afraid. Im afraid i will start a session and not be able to quit. I have a really hard time quiting when im down and i dont think i have quit when im down ever before... I have always played until im even or the table breaks or if i have some really important meeting in my schedule.

anyway i got way off why i began writting in the first place... When you lose and lose and lose, have you ever been so deppressed that you wanna kill yourself?

I had some really dark thoughts during those five horrendous days.
I didnt reach the level of actually considering suicide but i wonder how far away i was?
If i had lost all i had would i actually consider suicide? Probably not.
Would i think the thought? Yes, Probably.

Anyway its just money, right? [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

Now i feel much better especially since i have just come from a nice 70K win session. But im still afraid and my confidence and spirit is still broken, but its on recovery. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]
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  #2  
Old 11-06-2006, 06:49 AM
effinA effinA is offline
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Default Re: have you ever felt so depressed that you want to commit suicide?

i didnt read any of it, but i figured i respond so u dont kill urself.......everyone on here has felt such depression, just remember one thing...........DONT KILL YOURSELF.
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  #3  
Old 11-06-2006, 06:50 AM
DJ_Northstar DJ_Northstar is offline
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Default Re: have you ever felt so depressed that you want to commit suicide?

tl; dr for sure

it's just money.
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  #4  
Old 11-06-2006, 06:51 AM
CaseS87 CaseS87 is offline
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Default Re: have you ever felt so depressed that you want to commit suicide?

good read, sounds like you hit rock bottom. this is a good example of how NOT to deal with tilt.
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  #5  
Old 11-06-2006, 06:53 AM
edfurlong edfurlong is offline
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Default Re: have you ever felt so depressed that you want to commit suicide?

I want garlic bread so bad right now. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]
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  #6  
Old 11-06-2006, 06:58 AM
mperich mperich is offline
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Default Re: have you ever felt so depressed that you want to commit suicide?

Wtf why is there no mention of booze in this post. Clearly the only cure for multiple 6 figure downswings is to binge

-Mike
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  #7  
Old 11-06-2006, 06:59 AM
ginko ginko is offline
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Default Re: have you ever felt so depressed that you want to commit suicide?

Dude I feel where your coming from(i read the entire post).

Only thing I suggest is getting a good schedule and eating good and some exercise. Easier said than done I know.

And set a stop loss. Its SO hard to come back winning when you are down a lot of money. You are either getting cold decked or playing bad, or both.

Remember poker is just a job or a game, it should not run your life. I learned that the hard way.

Anyways... GOod luck you are a good guy.
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  #8  
Old 11-06-2006, 07:02 AM
ski ski is offline
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Default Re: have you ever felt so depressed that you want to commit suicide?

You won 700K in september

WTF.

You could lose your arms and still be better off than most people.
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  #9  
Old 11-06-2006, 07:05 AM
ginko ginko is offline
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Default Re: have you ever felt so depressed that you want to commit suicide?

Hey I should add, if you are rich or have a lot of money, I think it would be wise to hire a cook or order some healthy already made food and have it delivered to your house. Like a day or twos worth. Sandwiches, salads, eggs, etc,fruit like bananas. And a lot of water.

It is a fact that being hungry lowers mental performance and stamina. These foods also fight depression at a base levels because they are just extremely healthy for the brain.
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  #10  
Old 11-06-2006, 07:07 AM
younghov17 younghov17 is offline
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Default Re: have you ever felt so depressed that you want to commit suicide?

"Do you remember the first time you got your ass kicked in a fight? I was 16 and the guy was 20. He was looking for a fight... challenging me with words. I was drunk so i challenged him back. I had friends watching me. I took my jacket of and raised my fist. he stood in front of me with his hands to his sides. Then suddenly my eybrow exploded and i was lying on the ground with him standing over asking if i wanted more..."

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
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