Once a cheater always a cheater.........

[steel108]

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Here's a slightly different angle on this topic. I have never cheated on a girl when I've been in a relationship, but I have slept with girls who were in relationships themselves. Am I bad?

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A couple of years ago, I would have said that it's perfectly fine. My logic is if I guy can't hold on to his girl then tough for him. Now, after being cheated on, I just don't want to be that guy. I'm not preaching, it's just something you have to go through to understand.

[bernie]

[ QUOTE ]
Here's a slightly different angle on this topic. I have never cheated on a girl when I've been in a relationship, but I have slept with girls who were in relationships themselves. Am I bad?

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To me, it's on the one in the relationship.

I mean, let's say you pick up a chick, take her home and bang her, then find out later she has a b/f or is married. They're the one that cheated. You could be anyone. Though many won't see it that way.

Now, if it's a bud of mine's g/f or wife, that's quite a bit different. You just don't do that to a bud. If a bud did that to me, we're done.

But to answer the OP, yes, cheaters can change. It's called maturity(for the most part). Would I date someone that cheated on me? No. They had their chance on that ride. Could I date someone that cheated on someone else in their past? Yes. Though not blindly.

b

[By-Tor]

my reply from the oot thread...



I have never cheated and do not believe that I ever would.

Having been cheated on, I believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is 100% true.

Someone that has cheated in the past, "has it in them" and while they may not be currently cheating, when the opportunity comes in the future, they will have to decide if to cheat or not, where as the non-cheater has no decision to make.

The decision itself is a form of cheating when you really think about it.

[tdarko]

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I have never cheated and do not believe that I ever would.

Having been cheated on, I believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is 100% true.

Someone that has cheated in the past, "has it in them" and while they may not be currently cheating, when the opportunity comes in the future, they will have to decide if to cheat or not, where as the non-cheater has no decision to make.

The decision itself is a form of cheating when you really think about it.

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I don't think I completely agree with this though I think this right some of the time, I just don't think life is this black and white.

For instance I cheated on my past gf and have been with my current gf for 3 years, I live away from her for 5 or so months out of every year and while gone have been hit on plenty of times and approached etc. Never once was it a decision, b/c it wasn't. I am not going to cheat on her, it isn't in me to do it and I am completely happy.

I have also been around plenty of people that haven't cheated before at bars and while they had some girl chatting them up all night they would keep telling me how their gf wouldn't ever know. They would agonize over the decision whether they should or shouldn't. Some made the right choice and then some didn't--becoming "cheaters." Some non-cheaters aren't happy in their relationships, or happy with where they are in their lives as well and are just as disrespectful and can just as easily cheat on their gf even if they haven't cheated on the past...what if in the past they have had solid relationships that just didn't work out for some reason? There are too many variables to just paint a black and white picture and classify humans with human emotions in everyday situations into two distinct categories.

[chopstick]

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I have never cheated and do not believe that I ever would.

Having been cheated on, I believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is 100% true.

Someone that has cheated in the past, "has it in them" and while they may not be currently cheating, when the opportunity comes in the future, they will have to decide if to cheat or not, where as the non-cheater has no decision to make.

The decision itself is a form of cheating when you really think about it.

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I'm not really sure where to start here.

OK, I got it.

wtf.

Now that that's out of the way:

How does being cheated on create the once/always position? Because it happened multiple times? I'm curious how this makes sense to you.

What is "has it in them"? What is "it"? Some uncontrollable compulsion? When does "it" get in them, and how?

I want to address the "has no decision to make" and "the decision itself" arguments, but every time I start to write a response I feel like my brain is melting a little. It's like responding to a "Glutamate knits better catalytic converters than fireplaces do." statement. I just feel like I've been transplanted to some other universe where logic doesn't have any connection to reality. I'm guessing this is because the positions are emotionally-derived and driven, and poor old logic was pushed out of the car some number of miles back.

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I've never cheated, nor do I think I ever would. I completely disagree with Bytor's arguments. People do change. It doesn't happen often, and it usually takes a significant life event (more often than not, with an extreme emotional component), but it's hardly impossible. I find that people that adhere to the once/always argument are usually either shortcutting behavioral analysis for their own purposes, or have some kind of emotional experience with the subject that affects their ability to approach it without bias.

And that's just regarding deliberate and/or non-compromised judgment cheating. The I-got-drunk-I-don't-believe-I-did-that cheating is a whole different ball of wax. While I do think people are responsible for their actions while under the influence of something that affects their judgment (assuming they voluntarily took it), that's still a completely different thing than the person who cheats because they are bored or want to get back at someone. The motivations do matter, especially when dealing with absolutist arguments like this one.

[By-Tor]

The 'has it in them' remark refers the some peoples inabilities to leave a relationship if they are unhappy rather then taking the easy way out and cheating, often times intentionally to 'force the others hand'.

The non-cheater leaves the relationship first, because they do not understand the concept of cheating. It is black & white wrong to them and the thought never crosses their mind.

The cheater thinks more selfishly and makes a on-the-fly decision. Yes, in many cases, such as TD above, that decision is made very early on in the relationship, but it is still a concious decision that has to be made in the cheaters mind.


(this is all IMO of course).

[PITTM]

everyone in the oot post is asking what i did, and i cant respond there, so i will have to post it here. When I first started playing internet pokers in 2003 before i found 2p2, my roommate and i started playing on pacific poker. after awhile, he said, hey, lets play on the same table, i thought it would be fun, so i said okay. we played some .05/.1 limit table and if i had aces or somesuch i would say "hey dude, fold! i have aces!". it took us about 2 weeks to realize this was retarded in lots of ways. so we stopped doing this. I posted that pacific poker had an obvious flaw since you could sit at the same table from the same IP address in the zoo. Grannymae decided that i was the worst cheating scum on the face of the planet and then decided to troll me for years. Recently, i got temp banned for doing one thing that was even slightly trollish back to grannymae, not that this site ever subscribes to double standards or anything...

anyways, thats what i did. i apologized and i dont cheat anymore. originally i said we made money. i have no idea if that is actually true or not. again, i apologize for doing it and i think it was a poor decision on my part.

yeah, feel free to xpost this to oot or whatever.

[thatpfunk]

i had no problem with it when i was younger. you get lazy and comfortable in relationships that really arent that important.

now i would never do it, ive actually had nightmares in which i have cheated on my current gf and had to tell her.

i think getting older and just maturing changed it for me.

[DeezNuts]

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PITTM is a cheater, he always will be a cheater and I'll never respect him ever. He'll no doubt profess he's a non-cheater but everybody knows what kind of douchebag scum he is. He's also fat.

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Are you also very fat?

[J.Brown]

my personal view and experience on this matter is this:

i used to cheat on all my girlfriends from junior high through the beginning of college. usually just found someone new, more interesting, whatever, did what i want, broke up with the old one, etc. etc.

then i met the girl that i married and have never cheated or wanted to really at all, ever. i used to work in a job that had a ton of temptation as well and it was never really a problem. i could go into details on this part, but it would just seem like a brag post and it is not. i used to literally have drunk college girls throw themselves at me on a nightly basis and cheating never seemed like an option. i liken it now to cutting off my own arm. sure i could do it, but it is NOT EVER going to happen. [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

i have been married almost 6 years and i really feel like the cheating part or just doing what you want comes from still searching for happiness and contentment in a relationship. once you have it you quit looking. i don't think cheating is about the sex very often at all.

any questions about this subject or my opinion on it and i would be happy to answer. i just think a time comes that you mature and care about someone and would not want to hurt them or do anything dishonest in your relationship with them. some people never find this and keep searching using some very bad methods (cheating, being selfish) some people never grow up, but cheating isn't something you have to do forever, you have choices, everyone does.

later. J.