Incapable of love?

[ata]

I have always been a very independent person. Never truly exposed my inner-self to anyone. If there's an opposite to someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, I am that person. This is not to say that I'm quiet and shy... in fact I'm quite loud and outgoing. I just pick and choose what cards to reveal depending on the circumstances.

So how this translates into my relationships - I have an extremely hard time opening up to girlfriends. I have had two serious relationships that lasted around a year each. Each of them were pretty similar. I liked the girl, thought she was hot etc. so I pursued her and ended up getting her. Lots of fun. Then the moment we are considered 'together', something clicks in my brain and I sub-consciously feel the need to constantly push back so that she doesn't get too close to me. Like I can think of doing things for her that will make her completely fall in love with me, but I don't do them because my sub-conscious can't let that happen, for some reason that I can't understand. My past relationships always fell into the cycle where she wanted more from me, and I was always pushing back. I have no [censored] clue what love is, but I'm pretty sure I was never at that point with either of them, and the predominant feeling I felt was a 'don't get too close' feeling.

I just broke up with my most recent gf (mutually due to the above), and of course now I miss her and want to get back with her, but we already broke up once before and then after getting back together, the same cycle of me pushing back continued. She is great, we get along well, but I never started to experience feelings of love. I have no [censored] clue whether it's just my natural character that I'm incapable of it or if I just haven't met the right person. My recent ex-gf is good looking/fun/etc. and will likely find someone new in the next few months. So obv it's hard for me to let go to figure things out for myself right now knowing that I likely won't be able to get her back if I figure things out. I'm 25 fwiw.

Feel free to comment on personal experience or advice or whatever.

And I sincerely apologize for being completely emo, it's totally out of my character, so feel free to ridicule.

[superadvisor]

Wow. You've been in two whole relationships and you weren't compatible in either one of them, something must be seriously wrong with you.

Everything you've described sounds painfully standard and you're completely over thinking the entire situation.

Take this time to focus on you. Figure out better now that you're single things that make you happy. Figure out better how you want to progress in your life. And just Figure out how to be a better person to yourself and the women will follow naturally.

I heard a quote that sounds foolish but it's absolutely true. You can lose a lot of money chasing women but you'll never lose a woman chasing money.

Incapable of love? [censored], you just haven't found a woman to accept your love properly.

[hosstito]

good post superadvisor. the past few weeks i've been in a similar situation, it's good to know it's nothing out of the ordinary. i feel kind of soured on relationships still, but i'm sure that will pass.

[seemorenuts]

Have you told these women what you are telling us?

What do they say and feel (and if you haven't told them, how would you think they'd react; lastly, why don't you just tell them)?

I can see bottling things up if you had a traumatic separation when you were young, but I assume you're pretty emotionally healthy.

P.S. I think the expression is 'pulling' back not pushing back.

[xxThe_Lebowskixx]

whats your relationship like with your mother?

[ata]

[ QUOTE ]
whats your relationship like with your mother?

[/ QUOTE ]

We get along fine - we are not very close though.

[imitation]

Interestingly I was considering making a similar post, but less that i'm clingy or wear my heart on my sleeve, rather I feel i'm fairly emotionless person, not to be mistaken as negative infact quite the contrary i'm very outgoing and I always feel happy however I have totally rationalised in my mind that I don't really believe in being in love I have choosen the girl who I will marry on how she complements me, that she will be a good wife and that I will not get bored having sex with her. Is this wrong, I don't know does it matter? If I'm happy with this decision and I will keep this women happy then who loses?

Now don't confuse that I won't love this women as my wife and care for her, I will but more as a matter of what the goals of life should be.

I am saving love for my children. And I think this reflects much more what people really have in their lives I don't believe in the past parents loved each forever but they committed themselves by their joint love of their children.

This is a bit rambly whatever.

[mlane]

U guys are all emo [censored], wooo I WINZZZZZZZZZZ.

srsly though i think its just a matter of finding out who you are and what you are willing to give up to make things work. As far as the rationalization goes I think its fine I do it too but not to that extent, and I think as you progress in the relationship with the person the love will grow. Just depends on what you are willing to put into and how hard you want to work for it, because if one thing is true relationships are REALLY hard.

[cianosheehan]

I probably come across as a fairly cold guy. I tend not to get worked up about things...good or bad.

I have been in a few relationships over the years, and sometimes I find it hard to feel like I'm really into whats going on. It's like I'm always waiting for something different, something to change, or something that will be better.

I want to be with dozens of girls...but I'm not a player. I get involved with someone and I find it hard to let them go. I could go ages knowing that I probably want to break up with someone, but dont do it because I like being around them. And I dont want to hurt them.

[ata]

[ QUOTE ]
I probably come across as a fairly cold guy. I tend not to get worked up about things...good or bad.

I have been in a few relationships over the years, and sometimes I find it hard to feel like I'm really into whats going on. It's like I'm always waiting for something different, something to change, or something that will be better.

I want to be with dozens of girls...but I'm not a player. I get involved with someone and I find it hard to let them go. I could go ages knowing that I probably want to break up with someone, but dont do it because I like being around them. And I dont want to hurt them.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah that about sums me up. The question is, what do we settle for?