Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.

problems · #1 08-24-2007, 11:50 PM

Hi OOT,

I don't really know where to begin with this. The short story:

I'm 26, and I'm engaged to get married with my girlfriend of two years next July. We moved in together pretty quickly, and have been living together for about a year and a half. There was no pressure to get married whatsoever, so it's not like she was pushing for a rock or anything. It just seemed like the natural move, and I felt great proposing.

I also recently started a new job. I work in a young, creative industry (it might be stupid, but I don't want to give too many details), and I've met a lot of very interesting people at this new job.

Just last week I became friendly with a girl at work, and I think now that I have a ridiculous crush on her, so much so that it's making me rethink this engagement. Basically, I'm starting to wonder: if I can have intense feelings, like real sparks, with someone that's not my fiancé, is my fiancé really the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? I love her, and we connect on so many levels, but I get this sinking feeling that maybe there's someone else out there...

OK, here's the sticky part. I've always been the type who wants whatever's on the other side. Whenever I'm in a relationship, I always wish I were dating, and vice versa. So I can't really tell if I feel like I'm sort of falling for this girl because I "can't" have her, or if I genuinely have feelings for her. The other thing is that I feel like she flirts with me, and we click on a lot of levels, but maybe she's just a flirtacious type.

I think I might get blasted for this sounding too much like a blog entry, but I guess I'm looking for feedback from people who've been in a similar situation. Is the fact that I might conceivably have feelings for someone else enough to call off an engagement? Or am I just idealizing what I can't have? We haven't planned anything yet for the wedding. What if I suggest waiting another year? [censored], I don't really know what to do now...

I've probably left out a lot of pertinent information in this post.

pokerbobo · #2 08-25-2007, 12:07 AM

I got married the first time after dating for 3 years, because it was the "next step" so to speak.

marriage lasted two years officially, but was really over after about 6 months.

I consider my divorce one of the best days of my life.... banged a ton after divorce, found a great woman, dated 4 months, got engaged, married for almost 8 years now with 2 kids. Waaaaay better the second time thru.

Based on your post, I would advise to break it off or at least slow it down. Imagine yourself with her in 10 years... imagine yourself with her if she gets fat, imagine if lots of things. If you still are dedicated, go for it.... but sounds like you already want to stray.

CheckCheckFold · #3 08-25-2007, 12:08 AM

Dude, everyone has this problem.

Fact: there are more than one person you can be attracted to - that's [censored] life. The hard part is to choose if you want peace and stay with one woman or excitement and fool around.

problems · #4 08-25-2007, 12:10 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Dude, everyone has this problem.

Fact: there are more than one person you can be attracted to - that's [censored] life. The hard part is to choose if you want peace and stay with one woman or excitement and fool around.

[/ QUOTE ]
Yeah, the thing is that the girl at work – I feel like we have a connection that's beyond physical. But we haven't known each other long, so I don't really know.

problems · #5 08-25-2007, 12:11 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Based on your post, I would advise to break it off or at least slow it down. Imagine yourself with her in 10 years... imagine yourself with her if she gets fat, imagine if lots of things. If you still are dedicated, go for it.... but sounds like you already want to stray.

[/ QUOTE ]
How do I slow it down? I tell her I'm just not ready now? I need more time to consider? I figure that's going to set off some bells with her...

leehrat · #6 08-25-2007, 12:14 AM

if you don't want to have children right now don't get married as that's really the only point in doing it as a male.

TobDog · #7 08-25-2007, 12:17 AM

[ QUOTE ]
I feel like we have a connection that's beyond physical.

[/ QUOTE ]

It wont be the last time you feel that way, married, committed, or single, your life will be filled with that, see how you feel about her(girl at work) in 6 months, and, do yourself a favor, find out how she feels about you now. If she has feelings for you and is willing to express them, does she know you are living with your fiance?

Just my .02

tobdog

stormstarter28 · #8 08-25-2007, 12:22 AM

My wife read this, and wanted me to tell you that she thinks you should postpone the wedding. It's not fair to her, or either of you for that matter, to make a "life-long commitment" if you're having serious doubts.

problems · #9 08-25-2007, 12:23 AM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I feel like we have a connection that's beyond physical.

[/ QUOTE ]

It wont be the last time you feel that way, married, committed, or single, your life will be filled with that, see how you feel about her(girl at work) in 6 months, and, do yourself a favor, find out how she feels about you now. If she has feelings for you and is willing to express them, does she know you are living with your fiance?

Just my .02

tobdog

[/ QUOTE ]
This makes me feel a little better... She knows I'm engaged, but doesn't expressly know we live together (mentioned my fiance, but thought it was implied that we lived together. Maybe not.)

problems · #10 08-25-2007, 12:24 AM

[ QUOTE ]
My wife read this, and wanted me to tell you that she thinks you should postpone the wedding. It's not fair to her, or either of you for that matter, to make a "life-long commitment" if you're having serious doubts.

[/ QUOTE ]
This is sounding more and more like a good idea. I don't see anything wrong with staying engaged for an extra year anyway, but she might... She'll at least wonder why, and I don't want to explain it.