rate my College Undergrad Essay

[pokerchap]

I am a bad writer and put this together in 30min. I read over a few times and am thinking about starting over but dont really have any topics... tell me what you think.

My trip to Costa Rica during the summer before my senior year in high school is something that has had an emormous impact on my life. Coming from a wealthy family and having a passion for travelling, I have taken many trips to other countries through summer programs and family vacations. Before my trip last summer, I had already traveleld to Costa Rica once before and other continents including Australia and Europe. My seconds trip to Costa Rica was designed to be a surf trip with me and my older brother, who is 19 and attends the University of Miami, but I took home something much more valuable than an improved surfing style.

As soon as we excited the airport doors, we were bombarded by the Spanish speaking taxi drivers. I had already felt a sense of discomfort that I had not felt a year before, when I was in the exact same situation only with a chaperone. I figured it out during that very moment. The difference between my first trip and my 2nd trip was a feeling of independence that frightenend me at first. My brother and I were challenged with the responsibility to find a safe taxi and not to get ripped off. Surely enough, we got ripped off and wound up spending $70 to get to our hotel. The taxi on the way back would only cost $35. In others places I have been, I have also gotten ripped off but it was my parents or another adult being ripped off. Adults create a sense of security and often times as a dependant child, I never learned from my mistakes. I never learned because I always had my parents to deal with my mistakes.

Independence is something that I work more and more to achieve each day. It is important for me to achieve a certain level of independence because it builds character and prepares me for the future. It makes the individual more aware of his or hers surroundings whether it be personal or global issues. Handling situations independently gives me a sense of pride and accomplishment.

my reasons for disliking it:
a) its basically BS
b) im a bad writer (transitions are bad, lack of examples)
c) I dont get enough about me and my personality in there. kind of dull
e) I fail to achieve something

[Wyman]

d) grammar, syntax, spelling.
f) ::yawn::

You need something that grabs the attention of the readers and makes them want to meet you.

Not awful for 30 minutes. Use some ideas. What do you like about it? You'll write several more drafts before you submit, I'm sure.

[relativity_x]

a) its basically BS
<font color="blue"> it's boring. Plus you come off as an arrogant, spoiled prick.</font>
b) im a bad writer (transitions are bad, lack of examples)
<font color="blue">tons of misspelled/used words, this needs to be edited/revised</font>
c) I dont get enough about me and my personality in there. kind of dull
<font color="blue">umm, you come off as dependent on your parents.</font>
e) I fail to achieve something
<font color="blue">I think you'd be better off using the last paragraph and starting from there. Give examples of how you work towards independence if you want to continue in this direction. </font>

I'd suggest starting on another topic.

[pokerchap]

lol i just realized how spoiled i come off as. too bad i paid for the trips with poker winnings [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

I am going to start over though. I just wanted to make sure it was awful before i started.

[pmuir10]

[ QUOTE ]
My trip to Costa Rica during the summer before my senior year in high school is something that has had an emormous impact on my life. Coming from a wealthy family and having a passion for travelling, I have taken many trips to other countries through summer programs and family vacations. Before my trip last summer, I had already traveleld to Costa Rica once before and other continents including Australia and Europe. My seconds trip to Costa Rica was designed to be a surf trip with me and my older brother, who is 19 and attends the University of Miami, but I took home something much more valuable than an improved surfing style.

[/ QUOTE ]

word choice man. use a thesaurus or something..

off the top of my head, you could try vacation, excursion, expedition, tour.

[pokerchap]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
My trip to Costa Rica during the summer before my senior year in high school is something that has had an emormous impact on my life. Coming from a wealthy family and having a passion for travelling, I have taken many trips to other countries through summer programs and family vacations. Before my trip last summer, I had already traveleld to Costa Rica once before and other continents including Australia and Europe. My seconds trip to Costa Rica was designed to be a surf trip with me and my older brother, who is 19 and attends the University of Miami, but I took home something much more valuable than an improved surfing style.

[/ QUOTE ]

word choice man. use a thesaurus or something..

off the top of my head, you could try vacation, excursion, expedition, tour.

[/ QUOTE ]

yeah, like i said it was quick and I was just looking for a general response.

[pokerchap]

hmm im going to write it on almond joy's. should be interesting.

[Dan.]

[ QUOTE ]
hmm im going to write it on almond joy's. should be interesting.

[/ QUOTE ]

Remember the essay should ultimately be about you as a person. So make sure not to digress too far into almond joys.

[tshort]

Read a few sentences ... terrible

[Ponies]

didnt read it but i really don't think these essays matter as long as ur not a retard. at least not for people going to normal schools