The Well or: How I Learned to Stop Caring and Become Big Nothing
I started playing hold'em in the summer of 2004 after watching a neighbor play tourneys on Party. After losing maybe $400 learning the game I decided I wanted to stick to playing NL. I quickly became a winning player and moved up in stakes rapidly, and little over an year later I had a six-digit roll. I had caught the tail end of the poker boom. But then things quickly changed. The online-gambling bill was passed. Tens of thousands of my funds were frozen in the NETELLER seizure and the feds also stole my precious body fluids. I also ended up dropping out of college last December. The school was going to shtt, tuition was increasing, and most importantly I wasn't getting what I wanted out of it. So that brings us to now. My roll has shriveled like testicles dipped in ice water after taking some hits on FT. I barely play any poker at all anymore. My day consists of listening to music and smoking weed for 3 hours of the day, watching Doctor Strangelove, maybe some reading and writing, and perhaps 1 hour of poker, and drinking. I sleep for the rest of the time, I'm guessing around 14 hours or so. I'm a glorified bum. My roommates say I am quite the specimen and I don't think they mean it as a compliment. I realized that you can do what you want to whenever you want to, you can do what you want to there's no one to stop you, all spit and spite you're up all night and down every day, a tired man with a faucet in one hand, gun in another, only hours to go waiting to be taken away.
Right now I don't really give a shtt about anything. It's like an opium high. I've reached a plateau. I don't feel good, I don't feel bad, I don't feel anything. Maybe this is as close to Zen as I'll ever get. For a while in college I was depressed and thought about icing myself and listened to Biggy's song "Suicidal Thoughts" a lot because I was feeling it. I was thinking when I die, fk it I wanna go to hell, cuz I'm a piece of shtt it ain't hard to tell. But I have transcended that state through introspection and meditation and stripping away the delusions of religion that have been haunting me. And with this nothingness came a certain clarity of vision and motion and structure. Life was stripped bare of all it's superficialities and I see myself for what I am. In a sense it was a process of de-edification, a reversion to a more primal consciousness without the distraction of the artifices created by man. I sacrificed the elements that made me human and became Big Nothing. I became painfully aware that the vast majority of humans have an aversion to being exposed to certain truths because they subscribe to a version of reality and seek to preserve it almost out of reflex. They do not want to face the void and would rather shield themselves with falsehoods than seek the truth. And they don't know that truth doesn't come in a bottle. That truth isn't printed on billboards. That it doesn't play on the radio or heard in churches or schools. That you'll hear more truth from a pig's mouth than a politician these days. But truth is all around you even if you cannot see it or understand it. And the truth I speak of is not a human construct but a higher truth. Truth exists in nothing. Truth is nothing. Truth is. Just as there are virtual particles that flit in and out of space defying the laws of physics, truth exists in nothing and arises out of nothing. After reading this I know that there are those out there who sense my power and seek the life essence. You desire to taste the essence that my soul secretes and inseminate you with truth. But I do deny you my essence. For the essence comes from within. For truth can only come from within. Sit in a room, let your mind settle down and remove the filters on the connection you have to the organ that nestles in your skull like an egg in a nest, and the ghost of truth might come knocking on your door. In the process of making myself a vessel for the truth I have suffered greatly. But now I'm Big Nothing, Battle-scarred shogun, explosion when my post hits, tremendous, ultra-violet shine blind forensics, I inspect view through the future see millenium.
|
05-20-2007, 05:26 PM
Linear Mode
