Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice

[Greeksquared]

Hopefully this will be a unique feel sorry for me story...

I suppose this will sound very awkward but I think I reached a point where I don't [censored] care and just want to see what everyone else has to say.

I think no one can rival my anger and rage at myself when I play poker. My rage has turned very severe the last couple months. Tonight it reached near epic proportions as I repeatedly beat my new laptop that I just got in the mail today at 10 in the morning into a corner of a wall for about ten good hits. The reason I got a new laptop was because exactly one week ago I obliterated my 6-month old machine with my bare fists and finished it off with a poker chip box holder right to the screen. Both laptops were bought for 1k. In the process of destroying my laptop last week I also destroyed my 1-month old 24 inch monitor accidentally as the poker chip box flew open and all the chips flew open and struck the bottom of the screen.

Also of late I have began to yell uncontrolably throughout my sessions. I now have to play with a pillow next to me to stuff in my mouth as to not get the cops called to my place as it probably sounds like I am getting stabbed repeatedly throughout the day.

In addition to this I have ripped numerous shirts in half, thrown a wine glass and a water bottle into a wall leaving holes that my friends get suspicious about. Last year I also broke 2 20" dells and another cheaper laptop.

I am seriously considering building some kind of enclosure around my laptop so that I cannot easily access the inside. I am also going to try to keep my old destroyed laptops close by so perhaps I can destroy them instead of the new one I am about to purchase right now.

What's weird is that I feel very good after I destroy something. I mean I felt phenomenal the second I destroyed my laptop after the ensuing -2500 dollar streak that happened in about 20 minutes at 2/4 and 3/6.

I actually had my best month ever last month and was having a very good day today until the last 100 hands.


Outside of anything competitive I am usually very easy going and don't get bothered by much. I give to charity more than most and do community service. I just have 0 control whenever I get bad beat or play bad.

Thoughts?

[doppelganger]

I'm no psychologist, so I apologize if I'm way off here.

It sounds to me like you have some sort of need to be in control of situations, and when things happen that you can't control you respond with rage against the physical things you can actually bend to your will.

Did you have super strict or overbearing parents or experience bullying when you were younger? Anything like that which could cause you to feel so powerless and have such a need to vent your frustrations physically and tangibly against your physical environment?

I don't know what to tell you honestly, except to say that your behavior is definitely not normal. Lots of people feel the rage and anger you are talking about - that's part of life and certainly part of poker for some - but being unable to control such destructive impulses strikes me as indicative of a serious emotional problem. Talking to a professional really could help you work out whatever is causing it and learn to deal w/ frustration better.

Good luck.

[Greeksquared]

Totally agree with the whole need to be in control issue.

I basically had 4 parents growing up with my grandparents living with us. I also was very spoiled and never really had many responsibilities as a kid.

I have also destroyed more than a dozen golf clubs.

I still feel somewhat confident that one day I will be able to detach my emotions from the game and be in control. Perhaps this is because I have done relatively well in the past and I believe I can easily get back to that state. For whatever reason the eruptions have really flared up this past couple months.

[Henry17]

I was going to say you shouldn't play poker but then I saw the golf clubs so now I don't know what to say. You should probably not do anything competative.

[kyzerjose]

What's changed in your life over the last few months?
Work?
Relationships?
Financially?
Legally?

[icheckcallu]

[ QUOTE ]
I'm no psychologist, so I apologize if I'm way off here.

It sounds to me like you have some sort of need to be in control of situations, and when things happen that you can't control you respond with rage against the physical things you can actually bend to your will.

Did you have super strict or overbearing parents or experience bullying when you were younger? Anything like that which could cause you to feel so powerless and have such a need to vent your frustrations physically and tangibly against your physical environment?

I don't know what to tell you honestly, except to say that your behavior is definitely not normal. Lots of people feel the rage and anger you are talking about - that's part of life and certainly part of poker for some - but being unable to control such destructive impulses strikes me as indicative of a serious emotional problem. Talking to a professional really could help you work out whatever is causing it and learn to deal w/ frustration better.

Good luck.

[/ QUOTE ]


this is so on point regarding my anger issues. My dad was just a big bully who controlled my every move. I remember one time he beat me up because I went home at 10pm on a friday night and I was 16 years old. He also had some control issue like forcing you to do stuff. I felt like a maid when I was living at my parents home. Im now having probably a mild-to sever depression because of this. I dont know how to deal with it. I have aches and pains which is a tell tale sign of drepression and I can become bipolar in a snap.

any good suggestion on how I can let this memories forgiven? My dad and I get along fine now but then again I dont live with them anymore.

[Henry17]

The first step would be to not blame others for you inability to have self-control.

[bustowithnobra]

[ QUOTE ]
I'm no psychologist, so I apologize if I'm way off here.

It sounds to me like you have some sort of need to be in control of situations, and when things happen that you can't control you respond with rage against the physical things you can actually bend to your will.

Did you have super strict or overbearing parents or experience bullying when you were younger? Anything like that which could cause you to feel so powerless and have such a need to vent your frustrations physically and tangibly against your physical environment?

I don't know what to tell you honestly, except to say that your behavior is definitely not normal. Lots of people feel the rage and anger you are talking about - that's part of life and certainly part of poker for some - but being unable to control such destructive impulses strikes me as indicative of a serious emotional problem. Talking to a professional really could help you work out whatever is causing it and learn to deal w/ frustration better.

Good luck.

[/ QUOTE ]

Normally I hate this type of analysis, but here, good job. I am similar, except instead of being influenced by childhood factors, I am influenced by my last 4 years of college of everyone always having to be right on every damn point all the time. Except I don't get upset when I'm sucked out on really, I get upset when I feel like I made the wrong play and get sucked out on, even if I put my money in way ahead. This stems from my feeling that I should never show any weakness, ever, from my college days of needing to argue with pretentious, "upstanding" individuals all day, and only losing control when it is me that fails to prove a point (even if Im right, its being unable to demonstrate my side that puts me in a combatative state).

TO analogize it a little better, when someone sucks out, a lot of people tilt b/c of that- similar to how when people are trying to prove a point and someone is being bullheaded and doesn't listen, i.e. in both situations people are being influenced by factors out of their control. However in my case, when someone sucks out, or someone just isn't listening, it doesn't usually upset or anger me (unless its really really bad), unless in some way I see it as my own fault for the situation occuring. This is good usually for tilt control, until I question or doubt myself, wherein then when they suck out I will feel I did something wrong.

[OnYourBike]

[ QUOTE ]
Hopefully this will be a unique feel sorry for me story...

I suppose this will sound very awkward but I think I reached a point where I don't [censored] care and just want to see what everyone else has to say.

I think no one can rival my anger and rage at myself when I play poker. My rage has turned very severe the last couple months. Tonight it reached near epic proportions as I repeatedly beat my new laptop that I just got in the mail today at 10 in the morning into a corner of a wall for about ten good hits. The reason I got a new laptop was because exactly one week ago I obliterated my 6-month old machine with my bare fists and finished it off with a poker chip box holder right to the screen. Both laptops were bought for 1k. In the process of destroying my laptop last week I also destroyed my 1-month old 24 inch monitor accidentally as the poker chip box flew open and all the chips flew open and struck the bottom of the screen.

Also of late I have began to yell uncontrolably throughout my sessions. I now have to play with a pillow next to me to stuff in my mouth as to not get the cops called to my place as it probably sounds like I am getting stabbed repeatedly throughout the day.

In addition to this I have ripped numerous shirts in half, thrown a wine glass and a water bottle into a wall leaving holes that my friends get suspicious about. Last year I also broke 2 20" dells and another cheaper laptop.

I am seriously considering building some kind of enclosure around my laptop so that I cannot easily access the inside. I am also going to try to keep my old destroyed laptops close by so perhaps I can destroy them instead of the new one I am about to purchase right now.

What's weird is that I feel very good after I destroy something. I mean I felt phenomenal the second I destroyed my laptop after the ensuing -2500 dollar streak that happened in about 20 minutes at 2/4 and 3/6.

I actually had my best month ever last month and was having a very good day today until the last 100 hands.


Outside of anything competitive I am usually very easy going and don't get bothered by much. I give to charity more than most and do community service. I just have 0 control whenever I get bad beat or play bad.

Thoughts?

[/ QUOTE ]

Totally standard. I've busted two laptops. Have some soft stuff around you like stress balls or pillows so you can punch and throw against walls. I find a release of rage to be healthy psychologically and to help my poker game. You're a human being. You're meant to feel emotions. Just make sure it doesn't hurt your game by having an outlet. Smashing laptops gets expensive and time consuming having to set the [censored] up, so buy pillows or a punching bag.

[Rek]

I suppose being an adult and accepting you need to practice self control is out of the question?