New to OOT. Have custody of my nephews. LONG

[EddieMoney22]

Long time lurker. You all make the day go by much faster at work. Well now its my turn to share a story and maybe get some advice.

My sister has 3 boys ages 17, 15, and 12. She got into drugs and lost custody of her kids. They were in foster care while the courts decided who in our family could have them.

My wife and I really didn't want to do this we don't have kids and don't want kids, but I couldn't let them go to foster care. My younger sister has 3 kids of her own so she said she could take one but not all three. My mother couldn't get them because she believes in Spanking and told the Social worker that.

So My Wife and I get two of the the kids on June 26th 2006. The 12 and 17 year old. FYI this was suppose to be tempory (until there mother completed Drug rehab and counseling). There father wants nothing to do with them at all and hasn't since the youngest one was 2.

So The 12 year old has been nothing but trouble, but all little trouble, Not doing homework, fighting at school, not cleaning his room, always breaks things ( not on purpose) like my laptop, terrible grades. The older one does not get in any of those little problems. He does his homework, gets decent grades upper 70's low 80's. Does not skip school. He even played on the Highschool football team. But the first month he was with us we let him go to Buffalo for the weekend to visit friends he was staying at my younger sister's. He got arrested for throwing rocks in a major road with friends ( not little rocks either) We went through the whole you could have killed someone speech and everything. Almost a year later of no problems with him at all. He goes to buffalo again (which he had done many times over the year But this time he and his friends break into cars and steal stuff, gets arrested again! We let him spend 5 days in there before bailing him out to teach him a lesson. He is no longer allowed in Buffalo without us there.

Now Here is the issues, My sister was on here way to getting them back, she was doing great. Then a relapse, now she is back in rehab. My wife is going crazy and wants them out of our house. Even though I understand I find it way to hard to put them in foster care. My wife and I have now been arguging nonstop for a few weeks about this. We have both in counseling.

We have a court date on Dec. 14th. My mother is trying to petition for them again we will see how it goes. If they won't give them to her then I have a decision to make. Put my nephews in foster care or hope my wife will understand that I can't do that. ARGHHHHHH!!! What to do??? What to do???? Sorry for any typo's, Run on senteces, or missplled words. Typed this fast or didn't know how to spell it lol.

[Vyse]

You DON'T believe in spanking? You better start the faith.

[Paul B.]

foster care

[RoundGuy]

Wife >>>>> Nephews. Not even close.

[4_2_it]

Wow. Tough spot. I know my wife would be exactly like your wife in this situation. How long till the 17 year old is 18? If it's only a few months then maybe stick it out and kick out to grandmom when he turns 18. It seems like the 12 year old would be manageable on his own.

[Fast Food Knight]

[ QUOTE ]
Wife >>>>> Nephews. Not even close.

[/ QUOTE ]

As cold-hearted as it sounds, I agree with this. Don't let these kids destroy your marriage. You have extended yourself overwhelmingly to accommodate them and they have hardly been appreciative. Very tough spot.

[NT!]

eddie,

i work in the child welfare field and was just at an industry conference on friday. i attended a workshop about kinship care vs. regular foster care, and the relative success of each.

what you did for your sister's kids has helped them a great deal, even though they are struggling right now. statistically speaking, kids who are placed in kinship foster care have a much, much better chance of avoiding adverse behavioral outcomes and other problems down the line. what's more, kids who go into kinship care early on (i.e. don't have to wait in a regular foster home while a relative is petitioning for custody) have even better outcomes.

statistics don't really matter to an individual - what really matters to you is the outcome for your nephews and your sister. but i thought you might like to know this.

depending on the state you live in, you may be eligible for foster parent benefits that you aren't receiving. the kids are almost certainly eligible for some counseling, supportive services or other benefits. i don't know what you are receiving or what they're getting in the way of services, but look into this, and don't just take the word of somebody from the state office - they often fail to inform you of your rights or refer you to good services. if you're in NY state i may be able to help you locate further help.

it's normal for foster kids - even kids in kinship care - to struggle. it sounds like your nephews have some positive things going in their lives, some strengths to build on, etc.

one other thing to consider - if you place the kids in foster care, your family (and your sister) will probably never get them back. for the older two, it's less of an issue because they will be aging out anyway. federal law requires that states initiate a termination of parental rights any time a child has been in foster care for 15 of the last 22 months. you may be aware of this already, but i thought you might want to know anyway. this is a crucial time period in terms of custody of your nephews.

more details would help, feel free to post in the thread or PM me.

(disclaimer - IANAL etc, use information in this thread at your own discretion and risk, i am speaking not as a professional in the field but merely as a concerned 3rd party.)

[TripSearching]

You sound like a nice guy who cares about his family even though they may be a bunch of [censored] ups so I will give you some serious advice. Tell your wife to stop being so selfish, sometimes there are things in this world that are out of her control. This is one of those times. You have a responsibility to these children at this point and putting them back into foster care would be wrong and possibly/probably detrimental to their well being. I am actually surprised anyone could be married to a woman who is so selfish that she wants to put these children back into foster care. I also think children need to be slapped on occasion if they misbehave so they know there are consequences. What you should do is get your belt out and use it on the 17 years, the 12 year and your wife when necessary so everyone knows who the man in the house is. All problems solved.

[NT!]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Wife >>>>> Nephews. Not even close.

[/ QUOTE ]

As cold-hearted as it sounds, I agree with this. Don't let these kids destroy your marriage. You have extended yourself overwhelmingly to accommodate them and they have hardly been appreciative. Very tough spot.

[/ QUOTE ]

developmentally speaking, these are adolescents dealing with a major trauma. based on what OP has told us so far, they have been a LOT more resilient than a lot of kids in foster care. i am not trying to minimize the difficulties OP and his wife are facing, but, unfortunately, in terms of how they stack up to the system on average, these kids are not doing too bad.

[NT!]

[ QUOTE ]
I am actually surprised anyone could be married to a woman who is so selfish that she wants to put these children back into foster care. I also think children need to be slapped on occasion if they misbehave so they know there are consequences. What you should do is get your belt out and use it on the 17 years, the 12 year and your wife when necessary so everyone knows who the man in the house is. All problems solved.

[/ QUOTE ]

yeah, don't do this (as if it really needed to be said).