college essay help

[Aramail]

pokergrader, thanks a lot. I finalized that one, i'll post if you're curious

last essay, first draft:

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

When it comes to a matter of importance, nothing can be more important than yourself. Nothing is more significant to me than my ability to overcome the challenges presented to me, especially those inherent in myself. Living with, facing, and overcoming my learning disability was a hard-fought battle, but victory was thrice as rewarding.
I excelled through the beginning of my education, up until middle school. I began to struggle in certain areas, and classmates started to catch up to my level. I wasn’t necessarily bad in those areas, yet comparatively, I was much worse. I still mastered verbal tasks with ease, but was average at nonverbal processing and visual motor coordination. I couldn’t comprehend why I was amazing at some things and average at others. Frustration set in, I lost motivation, stopped trying, and my grades suffered. I managed to get by, but was doing the bare minimum. This continued into my first two years of high school. My mom had been hearing more and more about ADHD, and the next summer scheduled testing for me.
To be tested for ADHD I participated in a psychodiagnostic evaluation, conducted by Amy Ellis (Psy.D.) and Christina Zampitella, (Psy.D.). The results were unexpected, but are logical in retrospect. On the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale I scored a verbal IQ of 150, greater than the 99.9th percentile, however, I scored a performance IQ of 110, the 75th percentile. Similarly, my verbal comprehension and working memory were both greater than 99.7 percent, while my perceptual organization and processing speed were in the 68th and 82nd percentile. To quote the summary of the report, “Cognitively, his (Mr. Gorham) overall level of functioning is in the Very Superior range. However, there were significant discrepancies within his abilities which indicate a non-verbal learning disability and ADHD.”
I began to understand the cause of my educational struggle. With a verbal IQ well into genius and a performance IQ just above average, I was embarrassed to put in effort and only be average. I felt like I should be better than I was, so I rationalized not trying. “I could do it if I wanted to.” I would tell myself, but always avoided doing it. The test raised my confidence in my strong areas, and illuminated the areas I need to focus on. It was the first time I admitted to myself the fact that I’m simply worse at some things, and the first time I began to do sometime about it.
I went into school the next year extremely optimistic. I developed a system of note taking to help my perceptual organization. I understood my weaknesses and stayed vigilant; the frustration I had always experienced started to disappear. Most importantly, I changed the way I think, not valuing the result, but the effort. It was hard at first, the subconscious self restraints I had built were reluctant to come down, but there was only improvement ahead. As I started to see improvement I gained confidence, and worked better because of it. I overcame it almost completely, and even have begun to embrace it.
Overcoming my learning disability allowed me to achieve the potential I had subconsciously been restraining for years. I changed my outlook on life, focused on improving my weaknesses, and kept trying. It changed the person I am today, opened doors, and gave me insight into myself unique from anything else.

[SeeYouSoon]

Who needs a writing center when you have 2p2?

(In all honesty though, you probably pay some fee to use the writing center and don't even know it...so use it.)

[XXXNoahXXX]

OP,

pls include a pic with your essay. i'm thinking something along these lines

[O Fen�meno]

[O Fen�meno]

i think you should go in that costume, complete with the little league catchers gear

[3shaaa]

haha that's just mean.... but funny indeed. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img])

[Aramail]

Noah, if you'd like. I'm the one on the left.



Here's what I ended up submitting:

The Moonlight Amphitheatre, a local semi-professional theater, was my sanctuary for years. Musical Theatre always acted as constant in my life. I performed in musicals every summer, and when I wasn’t performing, I was volunteering. Either selling raffle tickets or ushering, I stayed involved however I could. The experience revealed my want to embrace and seek out diversity as I pursued the future.
The performing aspect wasn’t what attracted me; I never minded being in front of people, but I never found it that rewarding. However, I could never get enough of the atmosphere. Theatre naturally attracts the outgoing type, and the people I met were of the most interesting and diverse group I had ever been a part of. Many roles were profile specific, which led to a constant flux of different people. Meeting and watching this ever-changing mass interact showed me how people really should be treated. People in theatre always seemed to be open to people, rejecting childish stereotypes and not passing the sort of judgments I had been exposed to for so long in society.
The summer entering my senior year, I was hired at Moonlight’s restaurant and concession stand. It was one of the most gratifying experiences of my life. I started as the cashier for the stand and absolutely enjoyed what I was doing. The work itself was generally bland and unexciting, but the constant interaction with strangers and co-workers was both enjoyable and enlightening. I learned how to play off of aggressive personalities, how to react to timid ones, and how far being polite and having a smile can go.
My experiences performing and working at the Moonlight directly shaped my aspirations. To not only accept diversity, but to seek and embrace it. To constantly surround myself with new people, and to show everyone the respect they deserve. I now know that no matter which way my life goes, I’ll be content as long as I’m perpetually searching for, learning from, and embracing different people, different activities, and different ideas.

edit- thanks everyone who actually took some time to offer constructive criticism. I really appreciate it

[Hawklet]

You're not a very good writer man.

Don't use so many colloquial phrases in formal writing ("I never minded", ""not passing..judgments", "found it that rewarding" etc)

Don't use passive voice, ever. Stick to Subject-Verb-Object

You shouldn't have any sentence fragments. That looks really bad.

You're using words awkwardly (it was a constant in my life/it revealed my want)

No contractions

Don't end a sentence in prepositions

Verb-parallelism needs to be improved

Thesaurus is your friend. Use more interesting adjectives and verbs.

NEVER USE Object-Verb-Subject. You're not Klingon, nor are you Yoda.

Structure your paragraphs. Topic sentences.


My Advice: Retake senior year. Pay attention in English. Volunteer and have something more interesting to write about.